Love is supposed to teach us what it feels like to be accepted, to be appreciated and loved. Love is supposed to teach us how to love someone as much as we love ourselves, how to make someone our priority.
But with you, love taught me nothing but pain.
We started off well. We were happy; we were in love. Or at least I thought we were. And I wish I could say that I know what happened. I wish that I could say where the man I fell in love with disappeared to, but I have no idea.
All I know, the only thing I never wanted to know, is how it feels to be left aside in my own relationship.
I was standing next to you, but it was like you couldn’t see me. It was like you didn’t want to see me. You were so quick to see any of my mistakes, but so slow to see the pain on my face and tears in my eyes.
Love was supposed to show me how it feels to be accepted. How it feels to have someone who is going to look at me in the morning and still think that I’m the most amazing human being.
I know that I’m not, but I wanted to know how it feels to be one just for one second. But you couldn’t even give me that. And honestly, I have no idea how I could’ve been so blind. Love was supposed to show me how it feels to be loved.
But with you, it showed me nothing but sadness.
I remember how I was thinking that maybe if I try a little bit more, maybe you will love me. I remember how I would get up in the morning and think about all the ways I could make you see how amazing I can be.
How amazing WE can be. I can still remember every single time you pushed me aside over something that was more important to you.
Your job, your friends, your alone time, your guys night… Everything except me. So that explains why you could never see how broken I am, how sadness was drowning me. But it doesn’t explain why you stayed with me.
Why you used me the way you did. Why you broke me. Was I just a game to you? Was I just a doormat to you? Or someone you had as a safety net?
You know, love is supposed to give one strength. It’s supposed to be the wind under the wings and other cliché shit. But you made it seem impossible.
You made it seem like the only purpose of love is to break one. And screw you for it. Maybe love is a cliché because that’s the way it should be.
It should help you walk the rest of the world. It should make you feel like the most amazing human being, and it’s supposed to make you feel like a superhero.
But with you, it gave me nothing but weakness and brokenness.
I listened to you, to every single word that came out of your mind. And then slowly, those words started chasing away pieces of me and replacing them.
Slowly, every lesson I learned was replaced with yours. Every compliment I ever received was replaced with your toxic words.
My strength was replaced with weakness and my confidence was replaced with a feeling of not being good enough.
My love, my emotions, my passions and my fire—they were all replaced with nothing but voids. It felt like your words were echoing inside me and every time I tried to silence them, they would become louder.
Every time I tried to silence you, to run away from you, you were stronger. You were sweeter. And you were more poisonous.
Love is supposed to be the best thing that happened to you—when it’s real, of course.
Love is supposed to show you that even though you are whole, there is still someone out there who upgrades you and creates an Iron Man out of you. They are your shield and you are their heart.
When love is real, it teaches you that eternities are not enough for you two. When love is real, it teaches you that everyone is imperfect, but with the right person, you fit perfectly together, creating your own definition of perfection.
You were so dedicated to looking at other women, but somehow forgot to look at me. Well, only when you wanted to compare me to someone better.
But you… you and the thing you called ‘love’ showed me none of it. Taught me none of it. And I wish I could say that I did something about it. I wish I could say that I gave you a taste of your own medicine.
But I couldn’t. And because of that, it took me way too long to look myself in the mirror. To look myself in the eyes and say that I did everything I could.
To say that I’m already doing great, and that every day is a chance for a new adventure.
And that the void inside me is no longer that scary and huge; it’s being filled with laughter and love. That your toxic words are no longer so loud because my music is louder than they are.
It took me too long to stand back up on my feet. And now that I finally did, there is no way I’ll ever let anyone knock me down again.
Not you, not my past, not my future or my anxiety. I’m all that is left and that is more than enough!