I feel your pain. I, too, have lost a loved one. I know the initial shock as your mind strives to process the news that seems so unfathomable, so impossible. We know that it happens, but we just didn’t see it coming.
I know the heartbreak that sets in as the shock wears off and you realize that your person is gone. This is not a bad dream. You’re awake, and it sucks. I know the deeper layer of heartbreak that comes with the realization of just how much pain your person must have been in. The weight is crushing.
You’ll want to go down the If Only path, but don’t. That will only result in endless loops of anguish and no real clarity. Know that it is not your fault.
You may be struggling with wanting to understand WHY this happened. Know that you may never fully understand your person’s state of mind or the factors that led to their death. You may never have a satisfactory explanation.
Know that it’s ok if you feel angry, but understand what happened. In the mind of someone who dies by suicide, they are a burden to others and do not belong. You and I know that’s not true, but in their mind, riddled with the insidious lies of Depression, they did not. They believed, TRULY believed, that their existence caused pain and that the world would be better off without them. From their perspective, their last act was a selfless one or one of mercy to end suffering. That’s the tragedy of suicide.
You feel lost and stuck as the rest of the world continues on like nothing has changed…but things will never be the same. The waves of grief that crash over you now, buckling your knees and taking your breath away, will gradually slow down. They will begin to come less often and with less intensity.You’ll find yourself feeling (almost) normal for increasing periods. You’ll stop feeling like you’re drowning, but it will never completely stop hurting.
Know that you WILL be ok. It’s going to hurt…a lot and for a long time. There’s no way around it and no way to avoid it. But know that you CAN get through this loss.