My life was turned upside down on this day at age 24, the first day I took that hit. I was hooked and had to have it 24/7 so I wouldn’t get sick. That’s when the devil 😈 entered and took over my soul and numbed all the pain, shame, guilt and anger I was feeling all my life. It was such an amazing feeling at the moment bc I was numb and didn’t feel anymore. But….before I knew it, this smart, funny, radiant, beautiful woman had turned into someone evil with a dark ugly soul 🖤. This person was my dark evil shadow that I been carrying my whole entire life and that would never leave and always encouraged me to get high and do my loved ones wrong. I heard numerous voices in my head tugging me in several directions, to a point I couldn’t handle those voices and I had to get high to make them stop, but temporarily. I was trying to drown out the voices of my inner demons. They play off of my deepest fears, of inadequacy, inferiority, abandonment, loss, rejection. They’d tell me that I’m not good enough, that I wasn’t deserving of love, I was inferior to other people, I don’t measure up. They are so convincing that I grew to believe them. I’d break down crying bc I felt so weak and helpless at the moment. I mean, it was an indescribable kind of pain. When people tell you all it takes is that one time, believe them 1000% y’all. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. But yeah, I had people try to help me get clean but, they were so forceful and pushed me to my limits that my mind was thinking a million and one things and I was confused, lost and felt like no one loved me…. I wanted to run far away and I didn’t care where, only if I can leave my shadow behind. . I had to be ready to get better, but I wasn’t ready, it only made me wanna use more and become more of an ugly monster. To make a extremely long story short…on this day today, July 5, 2011, that I remember clear as day. I made a drastic change that I thought was never possible or I couldn’t do. I had 2 choices: live or die?? I thought about it for a few hours 🧐…and in my state of mind I was in, I thought I’d be better off dead so I can not feel all this agony and pain no longer. So bad that I wished I could tear my eyeballs out and stomped on them so I can’t see all this pain I’ve caused to every loved one, including my lost self. BUT..as I was sitting on my couch crying out my eyes I weighed my options and chose lived!! So, I went through withdrawal for 2 weeks. The 2 longest weeks ever of sweating profusely, not able to sleep and eat bc I was vomiting every 2 minutes. That’s right folks my, I got clean ON MY OWN!! 👏🏻 Don’t get me wrong, I did learn a lot while in rehabs and took the tools they taught us how to get clean and applied them to my life. I’m still adjusting to the sober life, and have to face all those feelings I mentioned and then some. Feelings I’ve NEVER felt before while using. And it hurts like hell. All I think about is self medicating, but I look around me and see all I have that I don’t want to lose, especially when my dog looks up at me with his cute, loving self 😪. Life is a huge challenge for me, I know I can’t win every fight, but this one, I got it by the balls and I’ll keep on fighting the fight that I CAN win. I never was able to speak about this dark part of my life bc I was ashamed, but today, I say fuck it, I’m not ashamed of this dark path bc I grew stronger. And if y’all wanna judge, be my guest bc your words will never hurt me. I am stronger than my demons, this I now know.
I. AM. A. WARRIOR!!
iamsober #believe #beautiful #keepfighting #strong #sobrietyrocks
“𝑊ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑒𝑛𝑑 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑟𝑜𝑎𝑑 𝑤𝑒 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑤𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑛𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑓𝑢𝑛𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑎𝑠 𝑎 ℎ𝑢𝑚𝑎𝑛 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔, 𝑒𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑜𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑑𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑠, 𝑤𝑒 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑓𝑎𝑐𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑙𝑒𝑚𝑚𝑎. 𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑜? 𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑒𝑚𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑙𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑒: 𝐸𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑔𝑜 𝑜𝑛 𝑎𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑤𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑜𝑟 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑎 𝑛𝑒𝑤 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒. 𝐼𝑛 𝑦𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑠 𝑔𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑏𝑦, 𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦 𝑓𝑒𝑤 𝑎𝑑𝑑𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑠 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 ℎ𝑎𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑙𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑖𝑐𝑒. 𝑇ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑤ℎ𝑜 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑑𝑑𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜𝑑𝑎𝑦 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑢𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒. 𝐹𝑜𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑚𝑎𝑛’𝑠 𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑟𝑒 ℎ𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑦 𝑎 𝑠𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑙𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑦 ℎ𝑎𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑡𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑎𝑑𝑑𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑠. 𝐼𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑣𝑎𝑖𝑙𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑢𝑠 𝑎𝑙𝑙. 𝑇ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝑠𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑙𝑒 𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙–𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑔𝑖𝑜𝑢𝑠–𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑔𝑟𝑎𝑚, 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑎𝑠 “𝑁𝑎𝑟𝑐𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑠 𝐴𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑦𝑚𝑜𝑢𝑠”