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Am I Depressed?

“I realized that in depression, nothing matters. And in sadness, everything matters.” Gloria Steinem

There’s so many people in the world today who are ‘depressed’ and walking around with a big sign around their neck saying ‘Keep Away From Me I Have Depression.’ Someone in my therapy group said recently that her doctor had told her that she has a ‘touch of depression.’ – A TOUCH OF DEPRESSION!, how the hell does that work?

If you know me at all you’ll know labels are one of my pet hates, although they can’t be avoided in life, medical and condition labels are the worst. Think of these labels:

I am an alcoholic

I am an addict

I have depression

I am Bipolar

We’re not any of these things.  We are human beings experiencing life and we have to take responsibility for whatever life throws at us, it’s what makes us grow, it’s what makes us unique, it’s what makes us ‘US’.  When we label ourselves there’s no way out of it, we’re sticking something on us that may last a lifetime, purely because we tell ourselves over and over and over again ‘I have depression.’  If you tell yourself something often enough your mind, brain, body and soul start to co-operate to keep you in that state of being.

One of my therapy groups works with abused women and one of the main reasons that abused women stay with their partners is because they don’t believe they have the ability to do anything as their partners have chipped away at their confidence over the years. These women have been disempowered becasue they have heard their partners saying so often ‘you’re useless’ ‘You’re no good at…’ ‘you can’t do that.’ ‘you’re weak.’ This is the kind of thing that’s happening to us when we are labeling ourselves, only we’re doing it to ourselves.

Depression, sadness and  nominalization

The rise of depression in the western world astounds me, we have never lived in such affluent times yet 10% of the western world have been labeled as having depression – why?

Well, one good thing that it shows is that money doesn’t make us happy. But, are we really depressed or feeling a prolonged period of sadness?

I’ve been treated for depression in the past, about 20 years ago, and was given a lot of meds by my doctor. When I realized that I was making my situation worse by telling myself I was depressed day in and day out, I threw my meds down the toilet. Which was a big mistake.

What I was really feeling was sadness. sadness for a life I did not have, sadness for a life I really wanted, sadness for my husband who I had not yet met, sadness for the job that would make me happy – I was sad. I was feeling despair for the things I didn’t have in my life, and when I realized I was feeling something, I realized I wasn’t depressed, when I realized I wasn’t depressed then I started asking questions – What can I do to make me feel happy?

When we label ourselves such as ‘I have depression’ our brain has nowhere to go with that statement, therefore it takes it as fact, there’s no future.  This is called  nominalization.

Nominalization is when we take a verb or adjective and turn it into a static noun. A state like depression becomes an enormous and sometimes insurmountable, overwhelming state of being, for example, whereas being depressed to most people is more likely to imply a state that has a beginning, and more importantly an end. A block is something much more insurmountable than something that is merely blocking your progress.

What sounds more longer lasting:

I have depression

or

I am feeling depressed just now

You are a feeling being

When you are feeling something you are alive on the inside, when you don’t feel anything at all about anything, then that’s when you know something is organically or clinically wrong.  The labels that are placed upon us, particularly negative labels, hold us back when we begin to identify with them and internalize them as something concrete.

What labels are you identifying with that may be holding you back?

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Open Topic

The Unseen Scars.

The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal. They are the deepest and often the most painful. The reason is because we do not understand them, and as humans, we crave to understand. We crave to understand our own lives and the world around us, and when we don’t, we suffer from a feeling of conflict and uncertainty which only serves to exasperate the already existing pain.

Sometimes, we hurt for reasons that we are well-aware of; heart-break, job-loss, conflict with a loved one, etc. We understand our hurt. It doesn’t take away the pain, but we understand why we feel it, and deep down somewhere within us, we also know that time will heal us; that eventually, we will overcome the pain.

When we feel a sadness, or anger, or hurt where we cannot identify the source, the pain is multiplied. It is multiplied because when we don’t understand why something has arrived, how can we ever understand when and if it will ever depart. We feel helpless. How can we cure something that was never diagnosed?

The pain that we do not understand is the sharpest of all pains.

Unfortunately I have no magic solution. However, the best advice that I can offer is to seek awareness. Seek to understand yourself; your feelings; your emotions. Seek to understand their drivers and their manifestations. Become present.

Awareness and understanding, like any other attitude, is a choice. It is also a habit. The more we do it, the more natural it feels and the easier it becomes.

When we begin to better understand ourselves; our feelings, our emotions and where they are coming from, we find ourselves feeling more in control. We find ourselves feeling calmer from a sense of understanding that we previously lacked. And even if there is no “solution,” that awareness and understanding provides solace in and of itself.

How do you do it and were do you start? All it takes is one choice, made every day, to be present. Become a spectator of your own life. Notice your surroundings when you are feeling energized, and notice when you are feeling drained. Notice the people that make you feel alive, and the ones with whom you feel defeated. Notice the situations that calm you down, and those that make you tense. Become aware of the circumstances that make you angry, and those that make you kind. Perhaps most importantly, adjust accordingly. Invite more of the positive people into your life, and distance yourself from the toxic. Seek out situations where you feel energized and alive, and avoid those where you feel defeated and beaten. Create the environments that make you calm and kind, and avoid those that make you tense or anxious.

The unseen scars are the hardest to heal, but they need not remain in the dark.

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Open Topic

Should You Be Jealous?

If keeping up with the Joneses is raising your day to day stress levels, have no fear – it happens to everyone! As social media takes over our life, we are faced with new social challenges that have never been seen before to this grandeur in human history. As news media becomes neighbor media, everyday we see the proverbial Joneses in the face of everyone we follow, as they take lavish vacations, birth beautiful children, buy and sell homes and receive sought after promotions.

And where are we in all of this? Infamously lurking behind on Facebook, watching everyone go about their daily lives and gradually becoming more concerned about our own social status. When was the last time we celebrated something? When was the last time we had something to be proud of to show? When was the last time we posted something that got “100 Likes” on Facebook or new followers on Instagram? How come she has so many followers and I don’t?

There are some brilliant art commentaries out there on the internet about how today we validate our self worth by the amount of “likes” we get, the amount of “friends” we have, and so on and so forth. They hit us right where it counts because we are all aware that it happens to us. Think about the last time you made a good post – you felt good. Then a few minutes later, you felt a buzz in your pocket; you will open your phone to see who liked your post… who commented on your post… who shared your post…

That act of social activity has now taken over your day until you grow tired of waiting for Likes. You feel better when more people like it, and feel estranged when no one likes it at all, or someone comments something you did not expect. It’s normal, it happens, we all do it.

The pinnacle era of human comparison is on us, and it’s our duty to our health to see it for the entertainment that it is without becoming critical of ourselves, for of course self – criticism is the easiest and most accessible scapegoat when it comes to personal judgement.

Remember that you are a humble person. The reason you do not seek validation from things like this is because you are already happy with yourself. You know you do not need reassurance from the internet to show yourself that you are having a good day, or that what you did was worthy of praise.

You are the kind of person who can leave a tip when the barista isn’t looking, the person who will donate to a charity when no one asked, the person who can dance when no one is watching because you are happy with your life. You don’t need the approval of friends, acquaintances and strangers for you to remember what you already know. Learning to give praise without receiving it is a fundamental concept in religions and moral ethics that we learn from childhood. It is our ability to congratulate others for their merits when we have no expectations to receive any such praise for ourselves. We have to earn it, just as they did.

Should you be jealous? Why? Who cares?

Although I do not think comparing each other is a good way to usurp other people’s credits, maybe sometimes it’s a good way to keep things in perspective.

I had a great friend and who was always quite the go-getter. He always posted about his academic achievements and great field trips into the wilderness for scientific research. I was living an enjoyable life myself, but I didn’t have a constant reminder of it. I did however, always have a constant reminder of his enjoyable life. Recently he had really achieved the american dream with his newest post of his new car and new job, at a high up banking agency. I was very happy for him, and wondered, was I jealous of his success? Did he do it right, and I did not?

A little more research into it and I recognized that his new job and home was in one of the smallest towns in our area, with the highest rates of depression, child teen pregnancy, adolescent drug use and other unfortunate statistics. Although it seemed like he was about to start a great life with his career and assets, I became more thankful for my own life in the city where I enjoyed a more cosmopolitan life with more amenities and less of a poor reputation.

Whenever we are congratulating someone for their efforts, is a time to reflect the feelings back onto ourselves and look inside to allow ourself to congratulate ourselves for our milestones and successes. There is plenty of love and space in the world to offer pats on the back to everyone around us as well as ourselves. We don’t have to be jealous about anyone’s life because we have our own amazing life to lead. And isn’t that worth celebrating?

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Outsider Looking In.

AN OUTSIDER IS A PERSON WHO QUITE SIMPLY DOES NOT FIT IN WITH EXISTENCE-AS-WE-KNOW-IT.

Such a person is fringe dweller, a dropout of humanity, a social oddball, and an alien endlessly coexisting in a society that doesn’t feel like home. We refer to the outsider as the “loner wolf” who walks through life with a feeling of inner isolation and disconnection. This isolation often gives birth to the longing and search for freedom, acceptance, and a true place to call “home.”

Can you relate to this feeling? Have you begun this quest?

There’s a reason why you feel this way, and it’s not because there is something defective or “wrong” with you. In fact, despite what you may feel about yourself and the world, being an outsider looking in is actually a huge advantage. I’ll explain to you why.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE AN OUTSIDER LOOKING IN?

I have asked myself this question ever since I was about 10 years old. This sensation of being an outsider was originally triggered by my social rejection at school and religious condemnation at church.

In fact, I was practically raised being taught that I was an “alien on this earth,” and that Jesus could come back at any time and take me to my “true home” in heaven. So since the time I was born I have been indoctrinated with this idea.

Yet the feeling of being an outsider runs much deeper than religious brainwashing or being classed as one of the “unpopular kids” as a child. This feeling of being an outsider looking in is intrinsic, subterranean, and seemingly fundamental to my experience as a human.

And I know that you feel it too. Otherwise, why would you be reading this post?

You have also carried this unshakable feeling with you. Sure, at some moments and periods of life you feel “contented” but this feeling of not belonging always returns. Sometimes the feeling is subtle like a softly lapping lake at twilight. Other times, the feeling is overwhelming and makes you feel trapped in a never-ending desert of complete nothingness.

But it’s always somehow there in the background: in your interactions with people, in your observations, in your dreams, desires, and motivations, at the beginning and end of your day, and when you’re surrounded by others.

I know that you know what I mean. And this very feeling was why I decided to write in the first place. In fact, the feeling of being an outsider was the very catalyst for this entire blog.

YOU MIGHT BE AN AWAKENED SOUL

There are many reasons why you could feel like an outsider, but the most significant reason is that you were either born with or developed, an awakening soul.

We were all born with souls, but not all of us continued to feel that connection as we grew older. If you have felt like an outsider for most of your life, you are almost certainly a highly sensitive and spiritually receptive person. You have experienced first hand how isolating the ego can be. You know how unnatural it is to live in a society that is obsessed with fame, status, money, and power. You know how superficial, senseless, and insane living an ego-centered life is.

But you can’t quite verbalize this. You can’t quite understand what you’re going through because you’re inundated with feelings of being “strange,” “weird,” “different,” and “unworthy.”

You long for a home that you’ve never even experienced; a place to feel completely understood, loved, and cherished.

This place is your soul.

It is your soul,” “the true you,” that seeks to experience itself again.

In other words, deep down, what you’re really craving for is truth.

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Juggling Stress And A Relationship.

It’s dangerous to care too much about others and too little about yourself. You might think you’re being a good person by looking out for everyone else, by placing their needs ahead of your own — but in reality, the more you neglect yourself, the more trouble you’re going to have in your relationships.

When you stop taking care of yourself, when you allow your stress to get the best of you, your attitude shifts. You become moody. You become unpredictable.

Sometimes your stress encourages you to say something you regret seconds after it leaves your mouth. Other times, the stress causes you to collapse in bed as soon as your work day is over, with no leftover time to dedicate to the people you care about the most.

You need to find a way to deal with your stress, because if you let it fester, it’s going to negatively impact your relationships. There is going to come a day when you need an outlet for your emotions, and since you allowed your person to become your whole world, you will use them as a punching bag.

They will be the one to deal with your screaming, your crying, your complaints. They will suffer along with you. And that’s not healthy. They don’t deserve your wrath. They only deserve the best from you.

You might think your person wants you to take care of them, to spoil them, to be there for them every second of every day — but they would rather have you take care of yourself. They would rather see a little bit less of you if it means you’ll be able to have enough time to take care of your own physical and mental well-being.

If you want a healthy relationship, you need to have a healthy mindset.

It’s okay if you have baggage, but you should be putting effort into lightening the load. You should be actively trying to become a better person. You should be taking some time to deal with your problems with your insecurities, with your stressors.

You shouldn’t put all of your energy into your relationship and stop putting energy into yourself because that’s a recipe for disaster. It’s not going to end well. If you want to make your person happy, you have to make yourself happy first.

If you don’t deal with your stress now, it’s eventually going to ruin your relationship. You’re accidentally going to explode on your person. Or you’re going to grow distant from your person because you’re going to have less time to dedicate to them.

If you don’t want that to happen, then you need to give yourself the attention you deserve, the therapy you deserve, the pampering you deserve. Putting all of your effort into your relationship might sound like a good idea right now, but eventually, it will come back to haunt you. It’s much better to leave a little effort for yourself — because when you’re in a healthy state of mind, it’s much easier to maintain a healthy relationship.

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Taken Advantage Of.

Stop giving them everything you have when they give you nothing in return. Stop letting them take advantage of your kindness. Stop expecting the minimum amount from them when you deserve so much more than that.

They might ignore your texts when you call them out on their bullshit. They might stop speaking to you when you ask them questions about where the relationship is headed. They might leave when you raise your expectations for them. But that shouldn’t dissuade you from speaking your mind, from asking for more than you have been receiving.

You can’t let your fear of them walking away convince you to keep putting up with their shit.

You deserve someone who answers your texts without three days passing. Someone who stays the night to cuddle. Someone who shows up when they promised they would instead of canceling after you’re already in your car and driving to meet them.

Stop letting others take advantage of you because you have strong feelings for them and couldn’t imagine dealing with the aftermath of them leaving. 

If they walk away after you call them out for lying to you, or after you ask for a real title instead of being called just a friend, or after you tell them you’re upset about how they have been treating you lately, then you are better off without them.

If they don’t want to hear about your feelings, then they don’t want to date you. 

You don’t want someone in your world who wishes you would stop talking. Who wishes you would keep your emotions to yourself. Who wishes you would pretend to be heartless instead of being your authentic self.

When you raise your standards, there is always a risk of them leaving. There is a chance they will search for someone new, because they only wanted you around when you were easy. Easy to disappoint, easy to ignore, easy to hurt.

If they leave after you start practicing self-love, you know where they stand. You know they aren’t interested in a serious relationship where you are both treated equally. They are only interested in one-sided love. In being spoiled by someone they are neglecting.

Stop letting them take advantage of your kindness, because no amount of compliments or texts or sex is going to convince them to change. The only way to get different results is to take a different approach.

You need to expect more from the people you let into your life, because once you rearrange your requirements, they will either walk away or they will stick around. They will either decide you aren’t worth the trouble of changing or they will fight for you. 

Resist the urge to settle, because if someone belongs inside of your world, they won’t walk away when you raise your standards. They will rise to meet those standards. They will apologize for not treating you better from the start. They will hope you will forgive them and will take measures to make that happen.

They will do whatever it takes to earn your love.

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What It’s Like Living With Bipolar.

I wake up in the morning. My first action is to take my prescription medication sitting on my nightstand. I have not even planted my feet on the ground and I am reminded.

I would be lying to you if I told you each day was not a struggle. It is. Some days are better than others, but not a day goes by that I donʼt have to analyze my diagnosis. I am attached to my illness in such a smothering and unhealthy way.

Everyone knows someone who is “crazy” or “insane” or “psychotic.” I am very good at disguising my “crazy,” but I am the first to admit that it is there.

When others share stories about a family or friend with mental illness, or when a national news story spreads about a manic man shooting up a school, bipolar once again is in the spotlight with such a negative association. It is a confusing and misunderstood illness, to everyone on the outside looking in, and in my experience, even to the one living with it.

I spend most of my energy thinking – a lot of times about myself but also other people. I spend a lot of time analyzing my behavior, my words, my actions.There are times where I feel proud to have such a creative mind and to have the extra energy to put into things I am good at. Yet, there are times where I am in such a state of negativity about my situation that I want to give up.

Bipolar is simply defined as having periods of mania and depression and even mixed states, which I find the scariest. Bipolar is so much more than that. It is a constant battle. A battle between moods, between thoughts of who YOU are and who the illness makes you.

I sometimes forget who I am because I am so overwhelmed in what my illness makes me.

I know my triggers and I can self manage, but still I can become emotional. And when my emotions take over, I can lose control. I have learned to ask for help. I have learned to ask for advice. I have learned to do everything in my power to prevent extremes. I think what makes me the saddest is exiting a depression or a mania, looking back and feeling disappointed, helpless, misunderstood and self conscious. Having regrets.

I read the news and people with what I suffer from are killing people, robbing stores, going to jail, committing the worst of crimes. I forget to breathe. I am frightened. I have the same illness. How did it get to that point for them?

I wake up in the morning. My first action is to take my prescription medication sitting on my nightstand. I have not even planted my feet on the ground and I am reminded.

I am reminded that I need medicine. I will need it for my entire life. I am reminded that I come from a family that loves me and got me help when I needed it.

The media stresses for the public to make an attempt to understand and talk about mental illness. It’s a tough platform because it’s always been attached to such a negative stigma, which has caused many to hide or feel embarrassed.

We need to discuss it and we need to empathize.

No one without the illness will ever understand, but they can empathize and make things easier for those who suffer.

My mother once asked me: if they came up with a cure for bipolar, would I take it? Would I be excited? I answered her that I didnʼt think I would, because I am so used to my brain working the way it does. I did not think it would be comfortable and I would lose my creativity.

I have rethought my answer.

Every day I take medication. I refill prescriptions monthly. Eighty percent of my energy is used to maintain stability. Iʼve hurt those close to me without meaning to. I have rested in a dungeon’s darkness and I have flown with angels in the sky. I have avoided mirrors because my reflection lies. Ordinary people visit theme parks and ride roller coasters for fun, knowing that they can get off and then choose when and if to re-ride. I am on that roller coaster too, a prisoner with a seatbelt that will never unbuckle.

I pray for a cure.

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Open Topic

God Won’t Show You Your Person Until You’re Ready.

Sometimes in life we think we know everything. We think we know exactly when things are supposed to happen for us and when. But life doesn’t work that way.

As much as you’d like it (as would I), you’re not in control of your destiny. God is. And sometimes all you can do is decide to let things happen the way they are supposed to and pray it all works out.

I remember meeting this “perfect guy” a few years back. It was a weird time for me as I was struggling with a few things, but I distinctly remember the moment I met him and feeling that instant vibe.

You know the one that knocks you off your feet and makes your skin tingle?

That’s the one. And this guy was something special. He knew just what to say and how to treat me, and I felt like this was the one for me, no doubt about it.

Even though I was struggling at the time (drug addiction and a less than ideal living situation), I decided that I was set for life.

I felt I had met the man I was supposed to spend my forever with, despite the obvious red flags (that were mostly on my part).

See, I was in no place for a stable, healthy, love story. I wasn’t equipped to deal with that all-encompassing love that takes you for a spin and makes you want to commit for life.

I was a hot mess. I was in such a bad place that even the thought of taking care of and nurturing a relationship made me dizzy, but I fooled myself into thinking I was up for it.

I went against myself and ignored all of his pleas to get help. I just thought I knew best. In my head – I was fine. 

Who doesn’t drink every now and then? So what if I couldn’t find a permanent place to live? Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be when you’re young?

But it wasn’t, and it took me a few years to come to terms with it. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I could flip a switch inside of me just like that and make everything okay… but I couldn’t.

Needless to say, my relationship crumbled before it had a chance to actually flourish. We never stood a chance. I only wish I had realized this sooner.

I have to say, this was a tough pill to swallow, but it needed to happen for me to gain this much-needed perspective.

Now I know that God is the only one who knows what I need. And He won’t show it to me until He knows that I am ready. And that’s okay.

Because in all honesty, what do we really know about life and love? 

You learn as you go. You make your mistakes, and only after you’ve learned from those mistakes, does God show you the one you’re meant to be with.

I know it might seem a bit harsh, but that’s the truth. I’ve stopped thinking I know everything. I’ve stopped believing that I know what’s best. I don’t, and it feels so good to be able to say that.

It’s all in God’s hands. And trust me – He knows what He’s doing.

At times it might feel like you’re lost. And in those times, you need to keep your faith that this is the path you need to walk in order to make your mistake and learn a valuable lesson from it.

Once you stop seeing your mistakes as something bad and start treating them as learning experiences, things are going to start looking up for you. They did for me.

God is always there for you. You may not always see and hear Him, but He’s there, and He hears you.

And you know what? Just because it may seem that your life is a constant storm of shitty things, it doesn’t mean that He doesn’t have something magnificent planned for you!

Let my situation inspire you to keep your spirits high and your faith in God intact.

Just a few short years back, I was a mess. I didn’t have a place to live. I couldn’t keep a friend to save my life, and I drowned my misery in drugs.

And do you know where I’m now? I am in the best headspace I have ever been. I let God take control, and things slowly started looking up.

Once I realized I couldn’t control what would happen to me and that forcing things when they’re not supposed to be is only going to backfire, I gained this beautiful perspective that changed my life.

Now, I am a woman in love. And it is peaceful, reassuring and all kinds of right. And do you want to know why? Because I took care of myself first.

I prioritized myself. And one day, the pieces of the puzzle started coming together, and my life was becoming something I was finally proud of.

God showed me the man I was supposed to be with only when I was truly ready to see him. And not a minute sooner.

A few years ago, it wouldn’t have worked out. But today, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I can proudly and selflessly give it my all.

Learn to let go. Trust God and His plan. Just because today you’re struggling, doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t get better! He’ll make sure it does, and I am your living proof!

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Open Topic

God Breaks You Just So He Can Fix You.

How many times have you heard that everything happens for a reason? That there is always something good in everything, if you only look for it and that only depends on how you choose to see life?

How many times has someone told you that everything that happened to you had a bigger cause or purpose which you didn’t always understand? That everything bad would eventually turn out to be good for you?

How many times have you heard that sometimes you need to lose small battles to win a greater, more important war? 

That every heartbreak and emotional pain you’ve experienced will sooner or later be nothing more than a tough lesson?

And every time you hear something like this, you think of it as a meaningless phrase. You think of it as an empty cliché people say to comfort each other. 

And you never believe a single word you hear.

Let me tell you one thing—whether you believe it or not, all of this is the truth. Because things indeed happen for a bigger cause and you really should be grateful for all the pain and hardships you’ve been through.

I know that whenever you lost a loved one or when you got disappointed, humiliated or hurt, you couldn’t help but wonder why God sent you all of these challenges.

Whenever you got your heart broken, you asked why He chose to burden you, of all people, this much, when you’ve done nothing to deserve it.

I know it’s hard for you to understand why you need to experience hard times in order to live through the easy ones. Why do you have to experience all this sadness before you get the chance to be happy?

You might not know it, but every single life challenge is a kind of a test. It is a test of your strength and power. And it is a test of your faith.

Whenever something bad happens to you, it is an opportunity for you to grow as a person. It is an opportunity for you to cleanse your life from all the toxicity.

It is an opportunity for you to see who your real friends are and who the people who don’t deserve a place near you are. An opportunity to see the latter ones clearly and to cut them off.

Whenever God throws you in the ashes, He is giving you an opportunity to rise. 

Whenever He knocks you off of your feet, He is giving you a chance to stand up better and stronger than you have ever been.

Every heartbreak is much more than just a heartbreak. It is also a chance for you to see your own worth, power and bravery.

An opportunity for you to learn from your mistakes and not to repeat them ever again.

And most importantly—it helps you see everything you are capable of, even if you didn’t know it. Because God will always send you only as much as He knows you can take.

Sometimes, He’ll put you through some things and He’ll send some people to your life just to teach you a valuable life lesson. 

Whenever He sends you some toxic people, God is giving you an opportunity to learn what type of person you should never become and who the ones you should never make a part of your life are.  

There will be times when He’ll teach you to be grateful for everything you have. Or to appreciate more the people who love you and who are always there for you.

There will be times when you’ll learn how to love and respect yourself more. Times when you’ll learn to put yourself first.

There will be times when you’ll have to confront your inner demons and shadows from the past just to see how much you’ve grown. Times when you’ll have to learn when it’s time to let go and when to hold on.

So whatever happens to you, remember one thing—God will leave scars and wounds on your soul and heart to serve you as reminders of everything and everyone who built you and helped you become the person you are today, one way or another. 

Sometimes, He will crush you to pieces only to build you up.

And when that happens, consider yourself pretty lucky. Because it means you got the opportunity to reinvent yourself and to finally become the best possible version of yourself. 

And not everyone gets that chance.

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Open Topic

When You Feel Nobody Cares Letter To You.

You get up in the morning not because you’re looking forward to seeing what this next day has prepared for you, but because you have to.

You don’t look forward to seeing people and you’re not looking forward to new mornings and days because you forgot how amazing feels.

Even if something amazing happens, you probably wouldn’t be able to notice it. Because you’re too busy feeling alone.

From the moment you open your eyes this feeling overwhelms you. You wake up to a whisper in your ear that tells you nobody cares.

It tells you how you need to say, “I’m fine,” whenever someone asks you how you’ve been or how you shouldn’t tell others about your issues because nobody really cares.

You get up, strip off your clothes and get under the shower. You let the water roll down your face while you continue thinking that there isn’t a person in this world who could understand you.

You feel like you’re the only one, like you’re alone. So you end up getting out of that shower feeling tired even before your day started, but you somehow resist the urge to crawl back to your bed.

Is this really the life you want to have? Is this really how you want to live? Feeling tired, feeling like nobody cares, like nobody understands?

Aren’t you tired of feeling tired? Aren’t you tired of constantly bringing yourself down?

At one point you’ll have to snap out of it. At one point you’ll have to find the strength to stop yourself from being toxic.

You’re the toxic one here. You’re hurting yourself. And you need to stop.

You have to stop hurting yourself and decide to take care of yourself for a change. Because if you don’t do it, nobody else will be able to help you.

Somewhere down the road, in the comfort of your bed, you forgot how nice and warming it can be to have someone who actually cares.

You forgot how it feels to not feel alone, how it feels to look forward to a new day and new amazing things life can give you.

You might be unable to see it now, but this feeling of loneliness doesn’t come when nobody cares. It comes when the person you care utterly about doesn’t really care about you back.

There isn’t an uglier feeling than to see that the person you’d do anything for, wouldn’t even do half of the things you’re ready to do.

Only then your self-doubt starts and once that avalanche has been started, it won’t take long until it buries you.

You start feeling like you’re not good enough. You start thinking how you can’t do a single thing right and you start hating yourself and your life for not being lovable.

But worst of all, you start feeling like nobody cares. And you do all this yourself.

Instead of blaming the right person, you end up pinning all the wrong deeds from a single person onto every other person in your life. And you slowly start pushing people away.

Because of this one person who did you wrong, who didn’t reciprocate your feelings, you end up thinking that we’re all the same. But we’re not.

You’re just temporarily blinded by emotions, but once you’re okay, you’ll see you’ve been projecting the insecurities of one person onto all the people around you. And that’s what you shouldn’t have done.

So, tomorrow, when you open your eyes, decide to actually look forward to that day. Smile before you get up out of bed and while you start stripping your clothes off for a shower, start singing.

And then continue singing. And then get out of the shower and play some music. Let it be a song you’ll continue playing in your head.

The next day, do the same thing. And the day after that and the day after that.

Smile at your faith and welcome your new day with a song, ready to see all the amazing things that will hit you that day.

As for the person that doesn’t car care about you because of whom you started feeling unlovable and unworthy and not good enough of others’ attention, well, there is only one thing you could do and that’s to walk away.

Even when it might be hard to do it, even if you don’t want to hear it now, it’s the truth and I’m gonna drop it right here-sometimes you have to be your own hero and guard your own heart because a person you utterly care about doesn’t care about you at all.

Darling, you’re the only one in charge of your life and if you don’t love it, how do you expect anyone else to love you?

Whatever disturbs your peace, whoever makes you feel unimportant, unworthy or miserable- then they don’t deserve you and you’re allowed to walk away.

Once you walk away from such darkness, you’ll come to a daylight and you’ll be able to clearly see that there are people who truly care about you.

There are people who want to know how your day was, who’d like to go to the movies with you and who’d enjoy grabbing a beer at the bar with you.

Walk away from whatever makes you feel miserable. Stop pushing good people away. Learn how to fall in love with your life again. 

Take care of yourself. Take care of your happiness. When you care, everyone else tends to follow.

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Open Topic

I’m Not Difficult, You’re Just Disrespectful.

Why is it so easy to label a woman as difficult when she doesn’t want to compromise on respect, love, and trust?

I guess it’s easier for men to pronounce a woman impossible to deal with than to actually put some effort into meeting her needs.

Yeah, I get why you do that, but I won’t accept it. I’m not willing to forget who I am just so you can tell me how easygoing and cute you find me. Nope.

Whenever a girl has self-respect and knows just what she wants to feel loved, taken care of, and safe she mysteriously gets called a crazy, needy woman who downright exploits her man.

Are you not used to dealing with a woman who knows she’s good enough and doesn’t question herself just because you decided that you’re the most important person in the relationship?

I guess you’re not.

There was a time when I actually thought that I might be asking for too much from my boyfriend. Luckily, I’ve realized just how little sense that makes.

I’m not asking you to give anything I’m not already giving you.

I only ask for us to be partners, equal in how much we respect each other and care for one another. I want my effort to be reciprocated.

You chose to ignore my needs so you can fulfill yours and that doesn’t mean I’m being difficult or selfish, it means I’m being disrespected.

I know you were hoping for me to be insecure enough to let you control our relationship and make you the king of my castle.

Unfortunately for you, I’m perfectly aware of how much value I have and I demand to be treated with as much respect and love as I treat you.

I’m not okay with you paying attention to me only when you feel like it. 

I want to constantly feel like you’re there for me and I’m not settling for anything less than that.

That doesn’t mean that I won’t give you time, freedom, or space for your individuality. It doesn’t mean that you have to be at my beck and call 24/7.

It only means that you have to give me the respect that I deserve – the same kind you want me to give you and that I do give happily every day.

I’m tired of being called nagging and demanding just because I have to remind you of the right way for you to show me you love me.

You should know that on your own. You should appreciate that I’m willing to give you time to learn and change.

It seems like in any given situation when I expect you to up your game and show me how caring you can be, you find a way to disappoint me.

Sure enough, a woman shouldn’t say anything, not even then, unless she wants to be called difficult.

A good girl is expected to settle for mediocre love, a mediocre relationship, and mediocre passion so she can have the privilege of being labeled as easygoing, relaxed, and mild.

Well, guess what? I don’t care what you call me, because what you call me only speaks of who you are and what your shallow expectations of me are.

You don’t get to guilt-trip me into thinking that I should abandon my rights, my needs, and my wants.

Things don’t work that way. If you want to have a woman in your life who’ll give you everything, you need to learn to treat her the way she deserves to be treated.

Ultimately, what do you even want? Do you want to have a great woman in your life?

I’m right here. The thing is, you won’t keep me by trying to lower my standards instead of simply putting more effort into our relationship.

I won’t have you trying to bring me down just so you can feel better about yourself. You’re not being strong or clever by doing that, you’re just being annoyingly insensitive and demeaning.

I need love, devotion, admiration, and respect and if that’s just too much for you to give, I have a label for you and it says you’re “a low effort man who doesn’t have what it takes to love me.”

I’ll always keep my head high, no matter how difficult you think that makes me.

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Open Topic

Trying To Save A Long Distance Relationship.

I was blind and robotic before I met you. But I thought I’d let you know and I realized that I needed you and I wondered if I could come home with you.

People may not have understood but I was happy with you, because you did things no one ever had done for me.

For the first time in my life, someone made me feel special in a very noteworthy way.

The first time we met was one of the most memorable events in my life. We were both strangers from two different sides of the world. It was fun and weird at the same time. There was no air of romance; just pure silliness and laughter coming from two real people while having a good time and getting to know each other.

We’d come up with a committed relationship—a relationship which I wasn’t ready for and a relationship you had no idea about, but we took the risk and gave it a shot. Luckily, it worked. But I guess faith is sometimes playful. We were separated by distance.We tried to fight for it, but distance got the better of us. I was never a fan of long distance relationships, as I’d been there and done stuff that didn’t work out.

I was on cloud nine when you made your promise. You proved to me that you were a man with one word.

I liked our love story. In fact, it was one of my most favorites. It was very different from the ordinary. People judged us, but we were never bothered, because it was clear to us that they didn’t really know what was going around.

When you love someone, you just love them.

The list of memories would be endless if I’d try to recall every piece of our shared moments together. They were cool and fun. We were a cool couple. We were natural. We were different from one another—I suddenly entered into a serious long distance relationship with the most caring guy who I never thought of loving one day. It was like solace. It just happened.

I could never forget that day we first met, a moment we’d been waiting for after learning that we shared common interests in life like beach bumming. And we also dreamed of someone to hold our hand while walking. We’re lazy people who just like to lay on the sand, sipping our favorite cocktail and beer while sunbathing. We were talking about our future like we knew what was going to happen. We were lovely. We were carefree.

Until one day, things started to go astray. The rainbow-colored love story just turned into black and white, but we didn’t want to admit that. Everything was gray. As they say, things don’t always go the way we want them to. It’s like a theory that I cannot explain, but we lost our relationship because we became so confident that we forgot to sympathize with each other. The problem was, we didn’t know how; we just knew it existed but couldn’t make progress. We were stuck.

The distance didn’t make us closer to each other. We got tired. To be honest, some things became monotonous. You were busy with being in the military. I never stopped you from pursuing your dream because it’s your passion and I love that about you.

All I wanted was a goal, a goal that two people wanted to achieve so that they could succeed together, but I never felt anything at all. Or maybe, I was so dependent on you that I forgot that I’ve had a life that I could enjoy; not waste on waiting for someone ignoring me. Still, I have no bad blood against you. It’s wrong to hate someone.

Our cultures were different, but it didn’t matter to us. Still though, you were a very loving person and I am glad that you let me be me as myself during the times that we were together, for spoiling me with my tiny stuff and for treating me like a princess, because I was a little princess who you liked to see happy and smiling all the time.

I must admit that somehow, when our relationship was on the rocks, I noticed your flaws. Flaws I just wanted to ignore. For me, they were no big deal. I’m a liberty taker and I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I am not judgmental either. But I wish you did not take me for granted. I wish that you gave your best, even though, we didn’t know what was going to happen next.

I believe the happiest people are the ones who are not afraid to take risks.

I wanted to believe you loved me as much as I loved you, that you’d do anything for me and fight for me, but I guess I was wrong and I just made myself believe that you were that kind of guy. You were different, but you were the one I loved the most.

There were times I thought I was stronger and I could do everything on my own and I thought you were there but you left me just when I needed you most. You made me learn the hard way that even the people we thought who cared and thought about us the most could also let us down. In times of my own trouble, you showed me how to be responsible, but didn’t help me to stand up. It was hard.

And I hate to say this, but I didn’t feel the love I deserved to get. I didn’t want to believe that I settled for less. You were not less, but you missed the best things that were supposed to be shown, given and done without any words. I didn’t hate you for that, but I hated myself for letting myself take it all in and I wish I didn’t, because I didn’t need to.

You’re a wonderful person and I loved you. You proved to me that every nice girl like me should be treated right in every way possible. You’re a nice man. You were like a prince who was luckily found by a princess. You once told me that I was your princess and I believed you, but I just realized that if I were really your princess, then we should be under the same castle. But no, you were alone in your own castle, letting your princess be alone in the sadness of her own.

Somehow, you didn’t break my heart, but you broke my belief that long distance relationship works. I wish I wasn’t that fragile. I believed it was easy to handle that, because from the beginning of our long distance relationship, you let me hold you tight.

I never thought we were never meant to be. I’m a person who believes in fate and in destiny. I once believed we were destined, but now I realize, maybe we never were.

Time flew fast and as I look back, I can’t believe that we lost almost everything we cared for.

But for all the time wasted, time spent well, and time unknown…I’m thankful.

And then we ended up making a choice. It was the only ability that was left. Either we continue or just leave. And we decided to do the latter.

The mistakes we made could never be fixed, but could be avoided. We can always start a new beginning. Our life may have become different and a new stage is about to begin. We don’t blame each other in the end because we’re just human beings. I’m glad I met you and I don’t regret letting you into my world. You brought so much joy to my life. And every painful ending is a beautiful beginning.

Sometimes we’re better when we’re on our own. Maybe this is our destiny after all.

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Open Topic

Heartache Of Long Distance Love.

Lately, I was reading through the screenshots of the messages we shared before. It hurts a lot to see how we started things in the right direction and ended up in a wrong turn. We had high hopes, promises of seeing each other, and patience to stick around. I know the feelings we shared for each other were real.

I know you’re just pushing me away to sacrifice your feelings and make things easier for me. And the situation we’re in has forced you to believe that love is dead. Even though you deny your feelings a million times, even though you push me away, I’d still love you like I did before.

I understand that the sleepless nights we’ve been through for having each other on our minds wasn’t enough to satisfy our desires. So we ended up this way. It could’ve been a potential relationship. But we’re built to fall apart. I shouldn’t have blamed you for hurting me. The pain I’ve been through was partly because of me. I played with fire so I got hurt.

I took the risk of falling in love with someone far away from me.
 You, in return, took advantage of that for your own good. Don’t say that you didn’t feel anything towards me now that every hope we had has faded away. I know you did. It’s just that you couldn’t accept it because it was either too painful or inappropriate for your part–letting yourself fall in love and risking your bruised ego. I guess we are just both victims of the circumstances and the ugly fate that has been woven for us.

I’d like to believe that you have loved me too–that you were also hurt that we haven’t seen each other in a while. We both wanted to see each other so bad. We have waited for days, months, and years until one of us is ready to take a chance. But life has somehow got in the way. Things weren’t easy and they get harder as each day without you passed by. The right time that we have both been waiting for hasn’t come yet.

Frustrations and disappointments creep in. We started becoming impatient. We started feeling hopeless. We feel like we have already wasted a lot of time hoping for something that wouldn’t even come. There’s a lot of drama that has happened. The tension between us is heating up like a ball of fire. But then again, you told me that you know something else would be a lot easier to do rather than maintaining a long-distance relationship, but you like going through the challenge with me. That made me sad.

Because I never thought that someone is willing to spend so much of their precious time on me even if I, myself, isn’t ready to take the risk. For that, I thank you–for keeping the friendship alive all through these years even how hard the situation was. I know it was fueled by passion and desire for finally expressing our emotions physically.

Even so, I’d like to believe that there is love between us.
 Even just an ounce of it. Even just something friends feel toward each other. Even it was a fleeting moment. Because I know that deep down, we may be built to fall apart but fall back together. We both have tried to wait for each other. Only it didn’t work out the way we wanted it to be.

We are both open for a second third or fourth chance even for the nth time. I wonder when would that chance encounter could ever happen? For me, it would be an endless chase of the unknown. I’d forever be curious about what it’s like to be with you now. I’ve felt too many emotions that I tried to live in the moment but failed to do so because the only thing I did was wait and hope for the future when the day we’ll get together will finally arrive. We have never backtracked. All we did was wait for the hands of time to move our relationship forward.

All we did was wait for the right time.
Eventually, all that’s left was patience gone wrong. For that, I’m sorry because I’ve caused you too much trouble. I’m sorry if I somehow got in the way of achieving the life that you want. I hope I didn’t. Those were four amazing years. So I guess this shall end here–the drama and the roller coaster ride we both enjoyed (and got tired from).

I’d rather say that you should stay. You should’ve stayed. But I’d be selfish if I say those words.
After all, I believe you already have the life that you wanted and I have no place in it. That’s better. I’ve always wanted the best for you, anyway.

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Open Topic

Keeping Busy.

Keeping busy keeps me feeling productive. Even if I’m not in the greatest emotional state, at least, at the end of the week I can look back at everything I’ve accomplished. I can be proud of myself in at least one area of my life. I can feel like I’m gaining forward momentum, like I’m not as stuck as I’ve been telling myself, like I’m getting closer and closer to my goals.

Keeping busy keeps me in a routine — and I’m someone who thrives on routine. I could just as easily get into the habit of sleeping in every single day, of doing nothing, of accomplishing zero. I could easily spend my days crying, spend my nights moping, and it would be hard for me to stop. That’s why I try my hardest to stick to a healthier routine, to continuously better myself, to try to get things done, even when I’m not in the mood.

Keeping busy keeps me from spiraling. It distracts me. It occupies me. It forces my brain to focus on something other than the pain. I know it’s only a temporary solution. I know I’m going to have to cope with my emotions eventually. But in the meantime, it keeps me grounded. It keeps me from falling back on other coping mechanisms, more toxic coping mechanisms, like getting high. My routine is the healthiest way to give myself a break from my dark thoughts. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than most of my alternatives.

Keeping busy keeps me from giving up hope. It makes me feel like my life is headed somewhere, like things are going to get better, like I’m headed down the right path. It helps me ignore the voice in the back of my head warning me that there’s no point, that my effort is useless, that I’m wasting my time. It helps me feel like I have some semblance of control over my own life, like I can make my own decisions. It makes me feel more powerful, even during the moments when my emotions are tricking me into feeling weak.

Keeping busy keeps me from falling apart. Honestly, I don’t know how to relax anymore. I have a long to-do list that keeps me occupied from the moment I wake up in the morning until I fall asleep at night. On the rare occasions when I’m running ahead of schedule, when I have some downtime for myself at the end of the day, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to unwind, how to let loose, how to enjoy myself. Even though a part of me is annoyed by my schedule and wants to finish everything as quickly as possible, I actually prefer it better when my mind is occupied, when it is kept from wandering. After all, too much time leads to too much thinking. And too much thinking leads to too much pain.

Keeping busy keeps me sane. It might not help forever. But it’s helping me today.

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Open Topic

Smudging.

Smudging is a sacred, ancient practice that should be respected. It has roots in Native American tradition. Dried sage, especially white sage, was used by indigenous people for decades. Shamans would burn sage in order to cleanse others of negativity while also promoting wisdom, healing, and longevity. However, over time, smudging has become a part of the New Age, commercial practices.

Smudging is a cleansing ritual that involves the burning of sage. This can also be referred to as saging and promotes physical, emotional, and mental well-being by getting rid of bad energy. Sage itself is an herb that comes from the salvia plant family. This is fitting since salvere means to heal in Latin.

How to Smudge a House

In order to perform a smudging ritual and turn the house into a sacred space, sage is needed along with an abalone shell or some other form of a vessel to hold the sage. A long match or a candle is also needed in order to light the sage. Then a feather or fan can spread the sacred smoke released from the burning herb.

Start by opening a door or a window in order to release the medicinal smoke. Then come up with a mantra or a prayer about what needs to be purified in the space. This should be repeated over and over throughout the ritual.

When it is time to actually burn the sage, hold it at a forty-five-degree angle. Light the tip and let it burn for at least twenty seconds. Then blow out the flame. Orange embers will appear and the smoke will billow up into the air.

Now, walk around the room to spread the smoke around the space. Pay special attention to corners, hallways, and doorways. Mirrors and electronics, such as phones and laptops, should be saged as well. However, make sure the smoke is guided toward open windows for an easy escape.

When finished smudging, press the tip of the sage into some dirt, sand, or a fireproof bowl until the smoke disappears. Be careful not to get it wet. Although a smudge stick can be used again, water will make it harder to light the next time.

How to Smudge the Body

Sage smudging the body is similar to sage smudging a home or a workspace. The main difference is that the focus will be more concentrated. Get into position, standing with legs spread, forming a T. Then start the smoke cleansing down by the feet and repeat the chosen mantra while slowly working up the body.

The areas that need the most attention during smudging differs based on the individual. Make sure to spend more time on the areas that are used the most throughout the day. For instance, a public speaker should sage near the throat, while a manual worker should sage near the hands.

Keep in mind, no matter where the sage is being used on the body, keep it an arm’s distance away while working in order to avoid an accident.

Smudging Prayers

A smudging ceremony is a spiritual act, which is why intentions are an important part of the process. A person can come up with their own mantra, or they can borrow one they have heard in the past. It doesn’t matter whether the words are spoken aloud or repeated internally as long as there is a strong connection to the mantra.

Here are a few examples of what to say when smudging a house:

“Into this smoke, I release all energies that no longer serve me, all negativity that surrounds me, and all fears that limit me.”

“I am surrounded by love and light.”

“Air, fire, water, earth. Cleanse, dismiss, dispel.”

“All negative, stagnant, dense, or low vibrational energy is cleansed and restored to its most organic state.”

Benefits of Smudging

The biggest benefit of smudging is that it will dispel negative ions, which cause unwanted energy. Sage will dispel the negativity caused by past traumas and bad experiences, creating a living space or a workspace filled with more positive energy.

Sage also has antimicrobial and antibacterial qualities. This means it can improve mood, concentration, and sleep quality. In addition to fighting off insomnia and negativity, it can also work as an insect repellent and fight against bugs.

There isn’t a specific amount of times a person should sage in order to reap the rewards. They should simply perform a cleansing whenever they feel weighed down by stress, toxicity, and negative energy.

Negative Effects of Smudging

It’s important to avoid inhaling smoke when smudging. Although it is generally safe to breathe in, directly inhaling it can cause the lungs to dry out and irritate the mucosa. For those who are sensitive to smoke, cleansing smudge mist is a great alternative that doesn’t involve any sage smoke. This can also be helpful when smoke isn’t allowed in a certain area that needs to be cleansed, such as an office building.

Smudging can also become a safety hazard when done improperly. When saging the body, it’s important to pull back the hair and avoid wearing loose clothing. If embers drop onto the ground, they should be stamped out immediately. When the sage is done being used, make sure it is properly extinguished before leaving the room.

Best Smudging Kits

Sage kits are available in metaphysical shops or websites across the internet. These kits contain bundles of a single herb or a combination of several different sacred herbs. The most commonly included herbs are white sage, which has a woodsy scent, and desert sage, which is peppery with a warm herbaceous aroma. A more expensive smudge bundle or sage bundle might even include a smudge bowl.

A word of warning: Be careful when purchasing a smudging kit or even a sage stick because the popularity of sage has led to a lot of providers overharvesting the sacred plant. Out of respect to the indigenous culture — and for the sake of Mother Earth — make sure to purchase sage that has been collected sustainably.

Another dried herb — such as juniper, rosemary, sweetgrass, cedar, or Palo Santo — can also be used as smudging herbs instead of sage. Essential oils are another alternative that can be used for space clearing and dispelling bad energy.

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Reassurance And Communication.

Women are not complicated, they’re just different from men.

It took me a long time before I realized what the difference was between male and female approaches, but then it dawned on me.

When men talk, they talk mostly factual. The majority of men just communicate obvious information without lots of emotional attachment.

On the contrary, women communicate with emotionally charged words.

For instance, if a man makes a comment on something he sees, like, “That dress is off-shoulder,” there’s a strong possibility that he thinks nothing but what he literally said.

He’s just making an observation.

On the other hand, a woman will think that he is trying to imply something by saying that information because that’s how they communicate.

That’s where the mess begins.

So here’s my message for men: “Think before you speak. If you care for the woman you love, think about how your words will affect her.

Don’t let her worry about unimportant things when you can reassure her with one simple sentence.

Explain your view of the situation before getting triggered by small things and ending up in a quarrel.

Tell her how you feel about things, don’t just casually stir up a hornets’ nest and then stay silent.

The most important ingredients to good relationships are understanding and compassion.

It’s almost scary how quickly we lose patience and compassion with those who are closest to us.

Don’t fall into the trap of resenting your partner before even asking what’s wrong and trying to find a solution.

Resentment is what slowly kills the relationship. Be open and honest. Communicate.

Almost every problem has a solution, even when it’s hard to see it.

We live in a society that does everything to make women feel insecure and never good enough.

It’s no surprise they need occasional reassurance and clear communication.

A lot of women are too hard on themselves and feel like they need to be perfect in every area of life.

They feel like they need to be good at their job as well as a perfect mother, great friend, great girlfriend or wife and on top of that, always stay desirable.

That’s a lot of pressure and with that much pressure, it’s sometimes hard to get your priorities straight.

That’s why there’s nothing wrong with moments when you need reassurance about the things you think about a lot and asking for it.

It’s great when someone compliments you and reassures you about something on their own, but it’s even better when they do it the moment you need it.

Relationships are often hard, because they require a lot of compromises, but when we do things from love, nothing is really hard.

Don’t get irritated because of your partner’s need for reassurance, because that’s obviously what worries them daily.

Be kind and considerate and try to understand the reason behind it.

Everybody needs reassurance and reassurance is just one way of validation.

As human beings, we seek and want validation because that’s our nature and there’s nothing wrong with that.

However, we should work toward making ourselves feel better in our own skin and that means accepting all parts of ourselves, especially the ones we’re insecure about.

There’s nothing more freeing than making peace with yourself, and especially for a woman, finding your unique path and your inner passion that doesn’t involve anyone but you.

Don’t be afraid to ask for reassurance when you need it, but also don’t be afraid to speak your own truth.

No one knows you better than you know yourself, and no one can give you more validation more than you can give yourself by accepting yourself.

You want validation, but you don’t need it. That’s the difference.

Be brave enough to give yourself what you want others to give you. That’s the ultimate act of compassion.

To heal our own wounds, means finding our own medicine. Once we have our own medicine, we’re free.

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To The Man Who Saw Past My Addiction…Thank You!!

I had a problem with addiction. And I have no problem being open about it.

The truth is, that it feels so liberating to say it out loud, taking into account that I’ve spent years trying to run away from it and trying to deny it.

And it’s especially liberating to be able to talk about it in the past tense. To be able to say that I had this problem, but that I don’t have it anymore.

But the truth is, that I’ve had a problem with addiction for 15 years.

And I know many people will judge me when they hear about this. I know that many will say that I had it coming and that my addiction was exclusively my fault.

And I’m not trying to deny it. I’m not trying to run away from responsibility—my addiction really was my fault and I shouldn’t blame anyone for it.

But nobody should judge me for it either. Because nobody knows everything I’ve been through in life.

Nobody knows what brought me to this, and nobody knows what or who had an impact on me becoming an addict.

But I am not here to talk to you about that.

I am not here to tell you the story about how I became an addict or how I lived through my addiction. I am just going to tell you that luckily, this part of my life is behind me now.

I am not here to talk to you about me or about my life without you. I am here to talk to you about you.

Because I would never be the person I am today if it wasn’t for you. Because I probably wouldn’t even be alive if it wasn’t for you.

I am here to talk to you about the way you saved me, without ever trying to.

How you helped me rise from the ashes and how you are responsible for me starting my life all over again.

I am here to thank you, although no words could ever be enough for everything you did for me.

You might be surprised by these words because we never talked about this.

You might be surprised that you, of all the people who did their best to help me, are responsible for my recovery.

Well, the truth is that you are.

And what makes you stand out is the fact that you were the only one who saw past my addiction. The only one who saw past my crisis, past my depressions and anxiety.

I am not saying that you acted like I wasn’t an addict, because you were very much aware of my problem. But you didn’t see me through only my addiction.

You were the only one who never defined me by my addiction and who didn’t see me as an addict, although that was exactly what I was.

Instead, you saw me as a person, with all of my qualities and imperfections. You saw me as a person who happened to have a problem with addiction.

And you were the only one who showed me that I was much more than an addict. That I had much more to offer and that I had my worth, which was in no way related to my addiction.

You were the only one who managed to wake up the person I was before my addiction took over me.

The only one who talked to me about other things besides my addiction—about my interests and about my future plans.

Now I realize you were doing it because you were the only one who believed I actually had a future.

Because you were the only one who believed in me, even when everyone else, including myself, gave up on the possibility that I’d ever recover.

Now I realize that you were the only one who was ready to accept me for who I really was, even if that meant accepting my addiction as a part of me.

Now I know that you were the only one who managed to change me, just because you never tried to do so.

Now I know that you were the only one who loved the real me. And that is something I’ll always be thankful for.

www.mylifeblogs.club
Open Topic

The Fortune Cookie.

Chinese food has always been a favorite of mine. There’s nothing else quite like it. The combination of flavors and dishes are beyond unique. While I try not to eat it too often, I do love to treat myself to it about once a month at the most.

A few months ago, it had seemed like forever since I brought home the iconic white containers with the red pagoda and matching letters on it. And since I had a particularly long week at work, that meant Chinese takeout was on the menu for dinner. So as soon as 5 PM came, I was out of the door and walking towards my car. Once inside, I placed a call to Chinese21 , my favorite place for Chinese takeout. I placed my standard order of General Tso’s Chicken, vegetable fried rice, and a few shrimp rolls.

I arrived at the restaurant right on time and hustled inside. The place looked the same as always. The huge fish tank near the front, lanterns hanging from the ceiling, golden cat statues located in various places, and red banners with Chinese calligraphy hung from the walls.

“Hi, order for pickup. The name is Carla.”

The waitress took all of five seconds to walk to the back and return with my order.

“Here you are, anything else I can get for you?”

“No that will be all.

“$23.95”

I gave her $29 and told her to keep the change before I headed home. The smell of the food immediately took over my car and by the time I arrived at my house, I was starving. I wasted no time in ripping through the brown paper bag and taking out the white paper cartons, which were warm in my hands. Once I had filled a plate, I walked to the living room and turned on the TV before I chowed down. It was all delicious, as always. Chinese21 shrimp rolls are some of the best I’ve ever had. Always perfectly fried and crunchy, they go good with any kind of sauce, from mustard to duck sauce.

After I had cleaned my plate, I walked back to the kitchen and cracked open a fortune cookie. I don’t usually care for the cookies themselves, I much prefer the almond cookies with chocolate frosting, but the fortunes are mildly amusing.

Opening the tiny strip of paper, I read what was written in small blue letters.

“She who has wronged you will reap what she sowed.”

Looking at it, I was mildly surprised. That was a bit different than the usual philosophical quote about knowledge or wealth or happiness. Well whatever, the rest of my shrimp rolls weren’t going to eat themselves. So I went back to the living room and finished my dinner. When I was done, I packed everything away and put it in the fridge. That’s another great thing about Chinese food, it always heats up amazingly well, fried rice in particular.

The next day, I got up late since it was Saturday and tossed some eggs on the stove to scramble for breakfast. After washing it down with some orange juice, I grabbed my phone to see what was going on. Earlier this morning, a friend of mine had sent me a news article.

“Two dead in late-night car accident” the local headline blared before I scrolled down further.

“At approximately 2:30am, an accident took place on Route 13. A young girl was killed while crossing the highway. The driver of the car was unknown.”

But then I remembered the fortune cookie from last night. That had to just be a coincidence. Without thinking, I found myself walking to the kitchen, the smell of my breakfast still in the air. I grabbed the other fortune cookie that came with my meal and ripped open the plastic before I broke open the cookie and unfurled the small scrap of paper.

“An alarm is a handy thing to have for one’s house. But an alarm is only as good as the person who turns it on.”

That one made me chuckle. I had recently gotten a home security system on account of a rise in local burglaries, but since it was new to me, I kept forgetting to turn it on. I tossed the cookie into the garbage and hopped in the shower so I could officially begin my Saturday. I did the usual errands before I met some friends for dinner at a bistro before going to a movie. But before I left, I made sure to set the alarm before locking up.

When I came home a few hours later, I was shocked to find a squad car in front of my house, lights flashing.

“Can I help you?” I asked the officer as soon as I parked in my driveway.

“Hi, we were responding to an alarm that was activated at this residence about fifteen minutes ago. When we arrived, we saw someone dressed in a sweatsuit running down the street. Then we did a quick check and it looks like he was in the middle of breaking in through the front door when the alarm went off. We did a quick check of the perimeter, and it looks like everything else is shut. I also checked your front door, which is still working as it should be. You’ll want to do a quick check and make sure everything is accounted for, but apart from that, you should be ok. Let us know if you need anything else.”

“Thank you so much. You have a good night now.”

I did as recommended and everything was indeed accounted for. But I sat at the kitchen table and stared at the fortune from earlier. This couldn’t be happening. It had to be a coincidence. Out of all the thousands of fortune cookies that get handed out each day, some were be bound to be accurate. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

To get my mind off it, I spent the rest of the evening watching The Crown on Netflix before going to bed. When I woke up the following day, I managed to have a normal afternoon and didn’t think too much about the weird coincidences. The workweek followed in the same fashion and I carried on as usual. But something began to nag at me. What would happen if I got another fortune cookie? Maybe I actually would get the winning numbers to the lottery. What could it hurt? All that had happened so far was that it had predicted the girl being killed, and having a home security system is no good if you don’t turn it on. Not exactly stretches of the imagination.

So that meant Thursday night’s dinner was Chinese.

This time my order from Chinese21 was Orange Chicken, white rice, and Crab Rangoon. They have the best Crab Rangoon I’ve ever had in my life. I paid for my order and brought the food home, the usually short drive now seeming to take an eternity. But in what was a first for me, I ignored the food and went straight for the fortune cookie, wasting no time in ripping through the wrapper and cookie before staring at the fortune in my now sweaty hands.

“Beware people who wear red. They are up to no good.”

I stared down at the fortune in disbelief. What the hell did that mean? That didn’t even make sense. How was I supposed to beware of people who wear red? You pass people who wear that every day. I myself wore it regularly. But then I remembered there was another fortune in there. So I grabbed the other cookie and tore through it.

“Someone with a drawing of a tiger will try to kill you.”

I just stared down at the paper in disbelief. This was definitely not funny anymore. I don’t know what I was thinking. Tossing the fortunes aside, I grabbed the food I ordered and headed towards the TV. The next few days came and went and before too long, my mind was onto other matters besides weird utterances concealed inside cookies. That’s the great thing about life. No matter what happens, time marches on and eventually you move on to other things.

One night when I went out with an old friend from High School, we made plans to go to dinner at this fancy Italian place and when the night came, I was both super excited and super nervous. I picked her up right on time and we had a lot of fun at dinner. Then I drove her back to her house and we hung out for a while.

Eventually, she told me she wanted to change into something more comfortable and she came back looking great in a red t-shirt and shorts. But after the initial thought of how good she looked, my brain flashed to the fortune about someone wearing red. I tried to brush it away, but the memory wasn’t going anywhere.

“You look great,” I offered with a smile.

“Thanks,” she said before cuddling up next to me. After sitting there for a while, she leaned back and I noticed for the first time she had a tattoo on her back, just beneath her neck.

“You never said you had a tattoo,” I said teasingly.

“I do. Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll show the whole thing to you.”

“The whole thing?”

“Yeah, it takes up almost all of my back.”

“That’s hardcore.”

We didn’t say anything else after that, and after a little while, I noticed she had nodded off. When she shifted in her sleep, her shirt hitched up and I got a good look at the splash of color across her back. It was a huge picture of a roaring tiger.

My jaw almost hit the floor. No, it couldn’t be. Well, one way or another, it was time to leave because she was asleep. I made a hasty note on a scrap of paper that I had a great time and I left because she nodded off and I’d talk to her soon.

On the drive home, my mind was a mess. What was I supposed to do? Almost without thinking, I realized I was a bit hungry and Chinese21 was open late. But when I picked up my order of Egg Drop Soup and Sweet and Sour Chicken, I didn’t even wait to get home to open the fortune cookies.

“The basement of a house is where the secrets are,” said the first one. Gripping it in hand while sitting in the restaurant parking lot, I nervously opened the other one, terrified of what I may find.

“You have all the tools you need to make things happen,” was all it said. That was oddly reassuring. Ok, so what did that mean? There were secrets in my friends basement?

Right on cue, my phone rang and it was my friend herself.

“Hey sleepyhead,” I answered.

“Hey, you. I got your note and I’m sorry you left,”

“Me too, but I couldn’t take your snoring.”

“Lies, I don’t snore. But maybe next time if I fall asleep, you can join me.”

“That’d be fun. I’ll look forward to it.”

So we made plans to hang out the following weekend. I looked to it with a mixture of nerves and anticipation. But eventually, it was here and I arrived at her house on time. But this time, I looked up at the white ranch house with dread. What secrets were inside?

But before I could ponder further, she answered cheerily and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. A very nice one.

“Hey beautiful, come on in,” she added. “I’m so sorry I have to do this. But I need to run an errand real quick. Do you mind just waiting here while I go take care of it? You can watch TV while I’m out.”

This was music to my ears.

“I guess I can manage,” I said, doing my best nonchalant face. “Gonna be a while?”

“Not too long I hope, Should be half an hour tops.”

“I think I can stand that long without you. Barely.”

“Awe, well don’t miss me too bad. Behave yourself while I’m gone!” She said over her shoulder while heading out the door.

“Never!” I joked back as I heard her close the door and start the car. When I saw it pull down the road, I knew it was safe to do what I came here for.

I made a beeline for the basement door and opened it, peering down into the darkness below. After flipping the switch at the top of the stairs. I descended the creaky stairs down into the messy basement. I glanced around, unsure of where to begin. Like most basements, there were boxes, knick-knacks, and trinkets everywhere. Ignoring my heart thudding in my chest and the fear clawing at me, I took a deep breath and tried to focus. I switched on one of the bulbs dangling from the ceiling and got another look at the room. Then I saw it. An expensive painting of a sunset sitting face-up on a box.

I knew that painting. It belonged to my neighbor Jocelyn and had been stolen from her house not too long ago during one of the break-ins that caused me to get my alarm system. Casting another look around, I saw something else I recognized. An antique silver tea set, which had once sat in the dining room of James Cutler, who lived down the street from me.

Without another look around, I called the police and explained the situation. For good measure, I referred to the response to the attempted break-in at my residence so they knew the situation. The police were here before my friend arrived home and boy did she get a surprise. After muttering a few lame excuses, they took her in for questioning, and eventually, the full story came out that she had helped participate in the break-ins.

But the worst part was what they were planning to do. Break-ins were the least of the things she had participated in, as she turned out to be wanted in connection with several missing person cases from out of state. She eventually admitted that she and several others were planning to kidnap several people from well off families and hold them for ransom. I was one of those people. The matter is currently a legal mess, but she and several of her associates are now in jail.

Once I was free to go, I headed home when I realized I hadn’t eaten all day. With a wry laugh, I decided that nothing else but Chinese food would be fitting. When I picked up my regular order of General Tso’s Chicken, Fried Rice, and Shrimp Rolls, I paid for it with a 100 dollar bill and told them to keep the change. The expression on the woman’s face was priceless.

Without waiting for a reaction, I headed back to my car to see what fortune was in store this time. This time there was just a single cookie.

“Laughter is both the best medicine and the happiest companion.”

Well played fortune cookie. Well played indeed.

mylifeblogs.club

Open Topic

My Friend’s Suicide Left Me To Uncover A Hideous Secret About His Family.

When my friend committed suicide, I would have never expected to learn this terrible secret about his family.

Ten days ago, my friend Benjamin committed suicide. I hate to be blunt about it, I hate to admit that I didn’t cry over the fact, but here’s the deal… we’ve been closer than close since sixth grade, and we promised if something like this ever happened, that’s not how it would be. That was our friendship. We were used to the whole “death won’t be an emotional thing, rather, we can look back upon all the awesome things we did.” And if anything, the reason why he left the world left me in more of an emotional turmoil leaning toward the horrific side of things, not the depressing side.

When Benjamin and I wanted to keep something confidential but didn’t have time to talk it out in person or send it in a text that would take about six messages to get the point across, he would tag me in a ‘note’ on Facebook which I’m sure most of you are familiar with. If not, it’s a place on your personal profile where you can write notes, tag people in them, or keep them to yourself. We would put our settings to private and write to each other about something a teacher did, something that somebody said to us in class, etc. Except we did this even after high school, just to catch up on extensive events.

Ten days ago, I logged onto Facebook, hoping to see a private message from him answering me about wanting to see each other soon, but instead I noticed I was tagged in a private note written by him. It was titled in bold letters “I’ve been dealing with this for awhile.” My heart jumped a bit at the title, thinking that maybe he had done something really bad, maybe gotten a girl pregnant who was bad news, I don’t know. My mind raced as I read, and my heart only sunk further as I read on.

“I’m really sorry I didn’t call you. I’m really sorry that this is the way that I chose to go, but I can’t live with it anymore. When the thing that terrifies you the most comes back to you full force, it’s not easy to come to terms with.

Remember when I told you about my dad and how he always seemed to know what I was doing? Remember that one time that I told you he was standing in the hallway on the phone, back turned to me many, many feet away, and I crept out of my room even though I was grounded and wasn’t supposed to leave that day? And he threw the phone down and came after me, even though I made no sounds making my escape, I told you it was as if he had seen me try to leave, though there was no possible way? And that one time… he was sleeping on the couch and snoring REALLY loudly, but I swore to CHRIST I heard him whispering at the same time, like an echo, something that would have been impossible. It was the source of my nightmares for a long time.

Well, It’s been about years since I last saw my family, you know that. Well they went to the grocery store for something I was alone in the house, well besides the dog. And I walked out into the hallway coming out of my bedroom, and you know how my parent’s room is right across from mine. Somebody had left the door open and right inside the doorway was this really weird-looking journal with a shiny black cover that I had never seen before. It was closed with a clasp which I opened, and I know it was wrong, but this thing looked awesome and you know I like my little bit of adventure.

Inside was messy scrawl, and my father’s handwriting. It looked like two people writing back and forth, but I knew it wasn’t my mother. It was psychotic. My dad would keep a journal entry about something he did that way…you know what, instead of being erratic here, I’ll just show you an example. The first paragraph is something my dad wrote in his handwriting a few days prior, and the second paragraph is the other handwriting:

‘Woke up this morning to the same dream. It’s been happening for awhile now, so I thought I would write it down just as a way to keep track of how many times it happens. Wife and I are walking on the beach and all of a sudden I start hurting her. I take my fists to her and I have her on the ground, vicious intent in my mind, for some reason I feel like I’m filled with hatred and yet I feel like I could cry when I meet eyes with her and —

You stupid fucking whore this is why these things happen to you! You can’t shut your fucking mouth what if somebody finds this shit? fuck you fuck you fuck you’

I was flabbergasted. I put the journal back on the desk, hands shaking, and I burst out into the hallway and down the stairs, where I put some television on to try to calm my nerves until they were back. I couldn’t meet eyes with my father the rest of the evening, no matter how normal things felt. What was my father dealing with? Why did something about him always make me feel so uneasy…my own father?

Well, when I came back home from my getaway with my parents, I was taking a shower. I felt uncomfortable doing it in my old house and so I hopped in there and tried to scrub away all the fears I had that weekend, but my hand hit something on the back of my head. I dropped the fucking soap and screamed like a little kid in pain, I’m sure I woke up some people in the apartment building.

I know it sounds crazy, but you have to believe me when I say that I felt a blinking eye on the back of my head. It felt like it struggled to open, like it was breaking open for the first time, and then it winced as my finger pushed against it. 

I felt an enormous pain at the back of my head. When I went to rub my fingers back there again, it was still there, so I panicked and pushed my fingers further downward on my scalp, and there was a mouth there. And a fucking nose, in what felt like the exact same shape as mine. And as I was about to retract my hand, the mouth opened and let out the most terrifying scream, like a baby being born. I tried to cover it up but it fought with me and tried to bite my palm, it was trying to fucking kill me!

I can’t do it anymore. Last night I heard it sobbing as I tried to suffocate it with my pillow by laying on my back. I can’t go outside, I can’t do anything. I refuse to live the life that I suspect my father was living this entire time. I don’t know how he kept this from me for so long. But I have to leave this world, and I’m sorry.”

I tried to get ahold of Benjamin’s parents but it was pointless. Nobody would pick up the damn phone and I feared he was already long gone. I got a phone call that night, a returned call from his father, who was now sobbing and telling me that they had discovered his body in his apartment. A shot to the head that obliterated him and left him ‘unidentifiable’. I told them I had wanted to check up on him and hopefully see him soon, but that he wouldn’t answer my calls.

What his father said next before he hung up the phone and left me to my grief was what sent more chills up my spine, left so many unanswered questions running laps through my brain. It lives with me now, ten days later, makes it hard to sleep at night. I’m not sure anything will ever take away the pain, or help me sleep again.

“I saw the Facebook note.”

And it wasn’t even in his father’s voice.


Open Topic

Lessons Learned From My Abusive Relationships.

Living through an emotionally and physically abusive relationship was the hardest experience of my young life. You never think a relationship like that will happen – let alone define you. I always used to cast judgment on stories I’d heard of women who stayed in these poisonous partnerships. I used to ask myself, “Why don’t they just leave?” It wasn’t until I found myself captured in one that I discovered how hard that really is.

The abuse starts slow. It’s just enough to convince you that you’ve done a few things wrong: nagged at the wrong time, said the wrong thing, used the wrong tone of voice. You begin to believe that your words are crippling your relationship. Over time, you begin to speak quieter. You begin to leave the room when you’re on the phone with your mom, cautious to not divulge certain aspects of your relationship, you are paranoid about keeping quiet. You begin to burden yourself with responsibilities and lifestyle changes you weren’t expecting. You cook. You clean. You make the sacrifices. You live on someone else’s schedule, careful to not mess up, obsessed with acting correctly so to avoid another argumentative explosion. You tip-toe in what used to be the safety of your own house. You face battles alone because you don’t have someone who gracefully listens to your concerns. Instead, you have a monster who tells you you’re worthless, and stupid, and breaks you down to a point where you begin to sadly believe him.

Abuse suddenly begins to define you because who you are is not who you wanted to be. Your life has become diluted with the urge to go along with a life you didn’t ask for. You do it quietly and live, at least for a little while, feels like it’s normal. Your thoughts get expressed solely through the thinking you do at night as you fall asleep alone. Every once in a while he’ll tell you that you’re pretty. He’ll do some grand gesture. He might even shed a tear. He will definitely apologize. And, you’ll accept it – because it’s what you’ve been brainwashed to believe, brainwashed to accept, brainwashed to think is what you deserve.

My abuse still lives inside me, and it probably always will. But the abuse I endured no longer defines me. I am no longer a product of it. I am no longer victim to it because I refuse to allow my life to be dragged any further. My life is worth more than allowing what some loser thought of me. I’m not a bad person. I’m not deserving of thinking for even a nanosecond that my life, my dreams, my thoughts or my feelings are worth even the slightest aggravation. I do not intend on spending one more minute of my life believing that the qualities I have are worthless – that I am worthless.

I understand more than ever how easy it is to become a victim in a hostile, abusive and controlling relationship. The problem is not you, because the problem lies with them. It lies in their insecurities and I promise you this – there is nothing you can ever do to fix them. It’s not your job to pick up their shattered pieces that they use as an excuse to belittle you, to hit you, to spit on you, or to talk down to you. It will take time for the guilt they piled onto you to leave your shoulders, but it will eventually drift away. It will take time for you to want to love again, to even trust that there are good men out there – but believe me, there are. There are souls out there who will love you, who will look at you with full force, knowing you are the most stunning individual on this planet – both inside and out. You will find strength and gumption and the dark times will lift. Healing your heart after it’s been mangled from some scumbag’s mouth takes time and allows yourself that sometimes dark, but healing opportunity.

I never thought I’d spend any year of my life in an abusive relationship. I’m not embarrassed by my past. I’m not ashamed of what I went through. I’m not burdened by the warped mentality it took me years to get over. I’m stronger for it. I love fiercer because of it. I give myself a slap on the back for being a badass, who knows she can get over literally anything that life decides to throw at her.

Abuse doesn’t define me anymore like it used to. I’m grateful for that long, dark road to recovery because I deserved to live a life that was blossoming with happiness – just like you.

https://yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
Open Topic

Love Is Supposed To…

Love is supposed to teach us what it feels like to be accepted, to be appreciated and loved. Love is supposed to teach us how to love someone as much as we love ourselves, how to make someone our priority.

But with you, love taught me nothing but pain.

We started off well. We were happy; we were in love. Or at least I thought we were. And I wish I could say that I know what happened. I wish that I could say where the man I fell in love with disappeared to, but I have no idea.

All I know, the only thing I never wanted to know, is how it feels to be left aside in my own relationship.

I was standing next to you, but it was like you couldn’t see me. It was like you didn’t want to see me. You were so quick to see any of my mistakes, but so slow to see the pain on my face and tears in my eyes.

Love was supposed to show me how it feels to be accepted. How it feels to have someone who is going to look at me in the morning and still think that I’m the most amazing human being.

I know that I’m not, but I wanted to know how it feels to be one just for one second. But you couldn’t even give me that. And honestly, I have no idea how I could’ve been so blind. Love was supposed to show me how it feels to be loved.

But with you, it showed me nothing but sadness.

I remember how I was thinking that maybe if I try a little bit more, maybe you will love me. I remember how I would get up in the morning and think about all the ways I could make you see how amazing I can be.

How amazing WE can be. I can still remember every single time you pushed me aside over something that was more important to you.

Your job, your friends, your alone time, your guys night… Everything except me. So that explains why you could never see how broken I am, how sadness was drowning me. But it doesn’t explain why you stayed with me.

Why you used me the way you did. Why you broke me. Was I just a game to you? Was I just a doormat to you? Or someone you had as a safety net?

You know, love is supposed to give one strength. It’s supposed to be the wind under the wings and other cliché shit. But you made it seem impossible.

You made it seem like the only purpose of love is to break one. And screw you for it. Maybe love is a cliché because that’s the way it should be.

It should help you walk the rest of the world. It should make you feel like the most amazing human being, and it’s supposed to make you feel like a superhero.

But with you, it gave me nothing but weakness and brokenness.

I listened to you, to every single word that came out of your mind. And then slowly, those words started chasing away pieces of me and replacing them.

Slowly, every lesson I learned was replaced with yours. Every compliment I ever received was replaced with your toxic words.

My strength was replaced with weakness and my confidence was replaced with a feeling of not being good enough.

My love, my emotions, my passions and my fire—they were all replaced with nothing but voids. It felt like your words were echoing inside me and every time I tried to silence them, they would become louder.

Every time I tried to silence you, to run away from you, you were stronger. You were sweeter. And you were more poisonous.

Love is supposed to be the best thing that happened to you—when it’s real, of course.

Love is supposed to show you that even though you are whole, there is still someone out there who upgrades you and creates an Iron Man out of you. They are your shield and you are their heart.

When love is real, it teaches you that eternities are not enough for you two. When love is real, it teaches you that everyone is imperfect, but with the right person, you fit perfectly together, creating your own definition of perfection.

You were so dedicated to looking at other women, but somehow forgot to look at me. Well, only when you wanted to compare me to someone better.

But you… you and the thing you called ‘love’ showed me none of it. Taught me none of it. And I wish I could say that I did something about it. I wish I could say that I gave you a taste of your own medicine.

But I couldn’t. And because of that, it took me way too long to look myself in the mirror. To look myself in the eyes and say that I did everything I could.

To say that I’m already doing great, and that every day is a chance for a new adventure.

And that the void inside me is no longer that scary and huge; it’s being filled with laughter and love. That your toxic words are no longer so loud because my music is louder than they are.

It took me too long to stand back up on my feet. And now that I finally did, there is no way I’ll ever let anyone knock me down again.

Not you, not my past, not my future or my anxiety. I’m all that is left and that is more than enough!

https://yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com

Open Topic

Free Spirit.

Being a free-spirited woman comes with a lot of difficulties because it means that she’s different from the rest. She stands out and she can’t follow the rules of society.

She does everything she loves to please herself and she’s made herself a priority.

This woman knows what she deserves and she won’t let anyone tell her what to do, but if men only knew that dating a free-spirited woman could be the best thing that ever happened to them, they would all run after her. If you are a man who’s dating a free-spirited woman, know that you’re in for a treat.

There’s nothing usual about her. Everything about her is out of the ordinary and she does it with the intention of breaking stereotypes.

She does that in order to break out of the expectations of others. The standards of others don’t interest her because she wants to break free of them.

She’s passionate about everything. There’s nothing in her life that she loves with half of her heart.

She goes for all or nothing and that’s why you’ll know that she wants you and no one else but you, because she’s fully dedicated to loving and caring for you.

No one will occupy her mind the way you’re going to and she will be yours, fully, truly.

She’ll help you become better and see the world from a whole new perspective. Just because she’s not like the ordinary women out there, she will show you the world through her own eyes.

A world like you’ve never seen before. You will see what freedom feels like.

Adventures are her drugs and if you’re a homebody, it won’t go well with her soul.

She loves to travel and to find out new things. She’s curious in a way you’ve never seen before and don’t think that you can slow her down—she will be gone before you can ever realize it.

She’s loud and she’s not afraid to speak her mind. Even when it’s not appropriate. She doesn’t mind when people stare at her for her fast responses and sometimes she doesn’t even know that she’s being too aggressive.

It’s not that she wants to hurt someone’s feelings, but rather that she wants to make sure people know when they upset her but also when they make her happy.

She’s most probably an over-thinker. Even if it seems like she’s sitting still, know that her mind is traveling a million miles away from that spot, and she thinks about everything and anything that can make her happy at that moment.

She’s defined by the word ‘weird’ or is it simply that we are not used to her? We’re not used to free spirits. Those people who make the world a better place with their loud laughs and their open minds.

We’re not used to women who believe they can conquer the world. But she’s one of those—one of those women you will never be able to forget. Once you meet her, she will stay in your mind and heart forever.

You will never see her do something she’s not in love with and if you’re in her life, know that she loves you, too.

She doesn’t have time for half-ass love. She doesn’t want to spend her life living a lie and that’s why she won’t die with regrets because she’ll always do the things she adores.

You will never have to question her love and loyalty to you. If she loves you, you will know.

She will make sure you’re feeling loved 24/7 and with the little, everyday things, she’ll show you why you’re the chosen one.

She will always encourage you to follow your dreams. Not just you—everyone that she encounters.

She knows that the world is a big place and that following your dreams can be a long path to go, but she won’t back down until she helps you achieve what you want and deserve.

To her, everything has beauty in it. Even pain and melancholy. She knows that the most beautiful phoenix rises out of the ashes and the most beautiful flowers bloom in between rocks. That’s why she sees beauty even in the ugliest things.

Lastly, you won’t be able to bring her down. She loves herself and she knows what she’s capable of. She knows how beautiful she is and she knows that the world has a special place for her and a special someone for her included with it.

That’s why you won’t be able to bring her down. She knows her worth too well. She knows she’s enough.

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Wait For It, Love Will Find You.

Don’t be greedy. Don’t demand everything right away. Stop for a moment and look at your life.

It’s not that bad. You have plenty of things to be grateful for.

So, love is, at the moment, not one of them, but it will be. Just be patient.

You’ll find that someone who’ll embrace your fears and your anxieties. You’ll find that someone who’ll understand why you’re closing up and taking it all in.

He will understand that you are chronically dissatisfied because things are not going the way you want them.

He’ll know that you’re frustrated because you try so hard and you get nothing in return.

Wait for the man who thinks you are the most beautiful woman everywhere you go.

Wait for the man who’ll erase your insecurities and make you walk proudly, and happy about yourself. Wait for the man whose love feels like home.

Wait for the man in whose arms you feel the safest. Wait for the man who’ll dry off tears from your eyes.

A man who’ll always stand in front of you to defend you from evil. A man who’ll sacrifice himself for you out of nothing more than pure love.

Wait for the one who’ll put a smile on your face when everything seems blue. Wait for the man who makes you feel the happiest woman alive just from hearing his voice in the morning or reading his good morning text.

Wait for the man who’ll show you why every relationship you had so far was completely wrong.

Wait for the one whose words are not empty, the one who makes his promises come true. Wait for the one who’ll show you he loves you, who’ll actually act upon his words.

Wait for the man who’ll never leave you hanging and keep asking yourself, “is what you have real and worth fighting for?? With him, you’ll just know.

Because when true love pops in, you don’t need an explanation. You don’t need an announcement. You just know.

Wait for the man who’ll never disappoint you. A man who’ll try as hard as you do. A man who’ll care equally as you do.

Wait for someone who’ll make you never ever regret choosing him over everyone else.

Wait for the one who’ll never convince you that you are not good enough, that you have to change.

The one who’ll support you and learn to love the fact you’re weird and the fact you have quirks that no one can understand. Wait for the man who doesn’t care about perfection because he is not perfect either.

Wait for the man who’ll show you what true love is. The man who’ll ignore the whole world just because he has you and that is enough.

Wait for the man who would go to the ends of the Earth for you. Wait for the man you would also do all these things for.

Wait for his true love because it will find you one day.

Wait for the one who knows that life is fucked up and messy. The one who knows nothing is easily given to anyone, the one who’ll fight for something he wants.

Wait for the man who knows that love is not all flowers and candy.

The one who knows there will be fights and there will be tears, but in the end, it will all go away because your love, true love, will win and overcome all obstacles and tests that God has put before you.

Wait for the man who’s afraid to lose you because if he did, he would be saying goodbye to a huge chunk of his own heart.

Wait for the man who makes love easy and effort…wait for it…less.

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I’m A Victim Of Emotional Abuse.

When you hear the words “abuse” and “victim,” you automatically connect it with getting physical.

You immediately see a picture of someone with bruises all over their face and body, with scars, open wounds, and blood all over them.

Well, I’m different, and there are many just like me. When you see me, you won’t see marks or any other visible signs of abuse.

However, I was still a victim. Even though my scars are not visible, they still exist.

My wounds and bruises are hidden under my skin. They’re all over my heart and soul. I’m bleeding internally and that doesn’t make it any less painful.

For the first time ever, I’m able to say this painful sentence out loud: I’m a victim of abuse.

My ex never actually raised his hand to me, he was never physically violent, but he emotionally abused me and that doesn’t make my suffering any less important.

Even though I’m not trying to devalue anyone’s suffering, there is this trick with emotional and mental violence all abusers are perfectly aware of: People will rarely see you as a real victim, until they see physical evidence of all you’ve been through.

Moreover, it will take you a long time before you, yourself, acknowledge your abuse. Trust me, I’ve been there.

The first time my ex started insulting me and calling me names, he was also simultaneously convincing me that neither of these things was a big deal. It’s not abuse until he hits you, right?

With time, I started believing him. I thought I was overreacting and exaggerating.

When he began gaslighting me, I started questioning my own sanity instead of seeing this man for the hidden beast he actually was.

I thought I was imagining things and he made me think that I was the one misinterpreting everything, instead of seeing that he was actually successfully playing with my mind all along.

When he started putting me down, I didn’t see it as his attempt to reduce my worth. When he assured me that I was good for nothing, I believed him and adopted the idea that I wasn’t enough.

I know what you must be thinking right now. You may not say it out loud, but you can’t help but wonder why I didn’t just walk away.

No, I wasn’t financially dependent on him and we didn’t have kids. In fact, the truth is, that I had somewhere to go.

However, he did make me emotionally dependent on our relationship. He did cause me to crave his approval and convince me that I was unlovable.

He did emotionally blackmail me into staying with him. He did convince me that I was completely incompetent and incapable of going through life without his guidance.

Besides, every time I tried to leave or dared accusing him of being an abuser, I was told I was looking for too much.

Even when I tried confiding in my closest ones, they didn’t see the real picture.

In fact, everyone implied that I was too sensitive. Instead of advising him to change his behavior, I was told to toughen up and grow up.

Nobody saw me as a victim and it took me years to acknowledge my abuse.

Years for me to see that I wasn’t overly emotional, that I wasn’t the one causing all of this mess because I take everything too personally.

It took me years to finally realize that I was involved with a narcissist who was ruining my life and mental health.

Years before I saw that I wasn’t weak for feeling like a victim because – guess what? I’ve been a victim all along.

You see, actually abandoning your abuser is in fact the easiest step. The hardest part is seeing the reality and finding the strength to face your awful truth.

And for the rest of the world? Well, I can just say that I don’t give a damn about what anyone might think.

No, I’m not looking for people’s sympathy. I don’t want them to perceive me as a victim because I’m much more than that. I don’t expect anyone’s approval anymore.

After all, nobody has walked a mile in my shoes and nobody except me, has fought my demons.

However, I do hope that one day, the hell I went through will be acknowledged.

I hope that this pain will stop being downplayed, and that emotional abuse will finally be classified for what it really is.

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Judgement.

“Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.” ~Nancy Lopez

You and I, we judge others. And they judge us. We all do it. Sometimes we judge with positive or non-harming intentions.

Unfortunately, our judgment often comes from a negative place, with darker intent.

Why Do We Judge?

Though we judge for many reasons, we often do it when:

  • We don’t know a person well (yet)
  • We cannot identify with a person’s belief system, values, or behavior
  • That person somehow threatens how we perceive ourselves

I believe we judge for the first reason because our minds want to simplify the processing of information by putting environmental clues into categories. This just makes things so much easier, doesn’t it?

For me personally, when I judge for the second and third reasons, I have especially negative emotions and thoughts toward others.

I try hard not to judge, and have been doing so less and less, but I still have a ways to go.

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Cheating Is A Choice, Not A Mistake.

All of you who have been cheated on one way or another by someone you loved with all of your heart, you understand the pain of being broken into pieces and not being able to breathe properly because your world is suddenly falling apart.

You understand how it feels to be a second choice to someone who was your priority from the start.

But, there’s one thing you need to understand as well: You chose them, but they chose to cheat on you.

Don’t you dare think or let them persuade you that cheating on you was just a mistake, and now they realize that they shouldn’t have done it.

Cheating is an act of cowardice, and it has nothing to do with making mistakes by accident.

It is a choice made by greediness—not appreciating what you have but not being willing to let the person go. You chose to commit that sin because it makes you feel happy.

The one and only reason why you did it is because it gave you self-satisfaction.

Cheating is an action of deliberately destroying another human being to satisfy your selfish needs.

Cheating is not something you do by accident because you can’t control yourself.

Every action you make is approved by your brain which means YOU made a decision to make another human being feel miserable by enjoying your moment of happiness.

But, was it so hard to admit to them that you’re not satisfied with how things are? Was it so hard to tell them how you feel and fix the problem or leave and spare them the pain?

I bet, it wasn’t. Then why didn’t you do it? You didn’t do it because you wanted to try something new.

You got bored with what you had. You got bored of their love, and you wanted to taste another to satisfy your appetite.

Cheating is a choice driven by your urge for a change that you’re not capable of making yourself.

When you decided to cheat, you decided to do something in secret; to hide your shameful act from your loved one because you knew that what you were doing was not right.

You wanted something new, but you didn’t want to lose what you already have, and that is what makes you an asshole.

When you really love someone, you make choices that will protect them, make them smile and cause them to feel loved. When you really love someone, you make choices that will improve your relationshipnot destroy it.

But, you made a choice to fuck things up and break them, so don’t you dare tell anyone that you’re sorry because you’re not.

You deliberately, willingly, and consciously decided to destroy everything you had just because you were incapable of loving your partner as a real man does.

You deliberately killed their hope just because you didn’t have any. You deliberately broke their heart just because you didn’t have one.

And on top of all that, now, you probably expect them to forgive you because YOU MADE A MISTAKE. I’m sorry to tell you that love doesn’t tolerate mistakes.

You’re either committed or you’re not. You’re either here or you’re not. There’s no grey area here.

Everything you do in a relationship is a matter of your own choice.

You make them laugh, because you like their smile.

You make them feel special, because you love them.

You protect them, because you genuinely care about them.

You hurt them, because you don’t give a shit about how they’ll feel.

It’s as simple as that. You could have chosen otherwise, but you didn’t because you didn’t feel the burden of your own decisions.

You decided to waste large amounts of time only to enjoy one second. You did it because you didn’t give a fuck about them.

You didn’t give a fuck about people who love you, and who would give their life for you.

You hurt them because your own wishes and desires were your only priorities, and you need to know that these people are not fools who will believe that it was just a mistake.

You see, they might have loved you with all of their hearts and maybe they still do, but the moment you decided to hurt them, they have also decided NEVER to forgive you.

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You Are Responsible For Your Happiness.

What is happiness? People have debated this question for ages. But although you may not know how to define it, you definitely know what happiness is when you feel it.

And although happiness is not the same for everyone, there is no person alive who doesn’t strive for it. We all desire happiness, but those who know how to really achieve it, are rare.

Most of us spend our life waiting for happiness to knock on our door and for it to magically happen to us. But what we don’t know is that happiness will never choose us, until we choose it.

If you want to be happy, you are the one who has to choose to be happy. Your happiness lies in your own hands.

Happiness, although being the final goal, is not a destination. It is not a result, it is a journey and a way of life.

You live a stressful life, surrounded by different kinds of negativities and you think that it is impossible for you to be happy in these circumstances.

Your family is always criticizing you, you are not satisfied with the relationship you are in, your job doesn’t fulfill you, you have financial problems and your friends are not the best either.

And you blame destiny for everything. You think that you are simply not born to be happy and although you won’t admit this to yourself, you’ve come to terms with it.

You’ve accepted that you will have good and bad moments in your life, but that you will probably never achieve the ultimate happiness. So, you’ve given up.

You’ve decided to handle life the best way you can, without expecting to ever be truly and completely satisfied with it. You are actually just going with the flow, thinking you wouldn’t be able to change anything, even if you tried.

And I am here to tell you that this is the worst decision you could ever make.

Maybe you don’t know it, but you are the one who gave up on your own happiness. You are the one who forbids yourself to be happy, and you are the one who chose to be unhappy.

It is not that you were not born under a lucky star, it is not that the universe hates you and it is not that you suffer from bad luck.

You are the one who chooses whom and what you allow into your life. You are the only one with the power to choose how different things and people affect you.

And most importantly, you are the only one with the power to choose how you react to everything life puts you through.

It’s time to understand that you’ll never be happy until you realize your happiness is in your hands. You are the creator of your own destiny.

You are the only one who has the power to influence and to direct your own life.

I know it is probably easier for you to blame some higher force for the way you are feeling, but it’s time to carry some responsibility on your shoulders as well.

Life will always be stressful and it will always put you through difficult situations, but it is only up to you how you will let it affect you. Your attitude toward life determines your happiness.

You can choose whether you’ll focus on the bad things that are happening to you and keep yourself from being happy, or you’ll think of them as valuable lessons.

There is good and bad in everything and that is something you can’t have an impact on, but it is up to you whether you’ll choose to see the good in everything or vice versa.

It’s up to you to train your mind to think positive thoughts and when you accomplish that, you’ll be happy—not because everything is good, but because you chose to see the good in everything.

Sometimes, things will not be OK, but that is all a part of life and that is not something you should run away from.

Sometimes you’ll experience negative emotions, but it is your choice whether you’ll allow those negative emotions to take control of you and to completely consume you, turning you into a bitter, pessimistic person or you’ll face these negative things that are happening to you, embrace those emotions as a part of life and focus on making the best of things.

But remember, happiness is not something that you can just choose to feel, without working on it. It is not a gift from the universe, it requires effort and time.

Eventually, when you experience it, you’ll see that everything was worth it.

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Tantric Orgasm.

I was heartbroken having recently gone through a breakup, and I noticed the muscles in my pelvis were tight in response to the stress. My body was definitely saying ‘no’ to sex. My hope was to get some healing and able to go back to feeling some semblance of sexual desire. Little did I know, that session would change my life forever.

What emerged was a curious obsession with my cervix. Not because I had a cervical orgasm, but because I discovered my cervix was completely numb.

This puzzled me.

I knew about cervical orgasms, but what about cervical numbness? Surely if my cervix was numb, I must be a long way from feeling heavenly cervical pleasure.

So I went on a mission to awaken sensation at my cervix. I wanted my rightful cervical pleasure and, hopefully, orgasms!

While we all have had many orgasms, what I noticed mostly was an epidemic of numb or painful cervixes.

Commonly you’ll hear it’s normal for the cervix to feel uncomfortable. Normal, maybe. But not natural. This is how I learnt that the first step to feeling cervical pleasure is to actually feel something! And if that something is discomfort, that’s what you need to work with.

The rest develops over time.

This is what you can expect to feel during a cervical orgasm, for me anyway.

  1. The cervical orgasm feels like deep, pulsing pleasure that spreads across the entire abdomen…sometimes, the whole body.
  2. Unlike the clitoral orgasm that feels localised and has a build up of tension followed by a release, the cervical orgasm doesn’t follow a linear progression.
  3. Setting it as a goal just activates your sympathetic nervous system and prevents you from reaching it. When you are deeply present, a cervical orgasm takes place in a prolonged, relaxed state while you ride the waves of pleasure…

The first time it happened for me, I was in my hotel room in Rome. I was happy and my heart was completely open. This was another very important factor when deciding to practice and work with my cervix.

For about 20 minutes, I sat still with my finger in my cervix. Slowly the gentle sensations grew into a deep full body throb; my awareness of any physical limits dissolved and my senses appeared to expand.

This is what makes a cervical orgasm so special: It is spiritually profound, and that is why it is also known as the Tantric orgasm.

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Excessive Worrying.

I see your pain and my heart breaks for you. I know it feels like you have always been this way, that anxiety is part of your being and colors your thoughts, your feelings, the way you arrange your body in that chair. So often your voice is steeped in it, your eyes are tinged by it. Sometimes you become it like you are the embodiment of the word anxious, and other times it feels like a shadow that follows you, as you try to simply live. 

What would life be like for you without anxiety? Sometimes it’s hard to imagine. This is how you have lived for so long. This is what you know.

Your anxiety causes you to doubt everyone’s words, even your partner’s. Every glance you fear is disapproving. No matter how hard you try to please everyone, you fall short. And even when you do something nearly perfectly, you collapse afterward from the stress.

Your anxiety does not make you weak. There is a myth that anxious people are weaker than other people. Actually, anxious people are strong, since their anxiety makes everyday things hard, but they still push on. You walk through each day bearing a boulder of anxiety on your back. You fight to keep walking, even during your tensest moments, when your whole body is electrified with fear. You walk on.

You are not hopeless. There are methods to relax and coping skills to manage your feelings. If your anxiety is making your life difficult, there are therapists who can help you manage it. They can show you patterns of thinking that will calm your anxiety. Sometimes medications help. Sometimes choosing a different job or a healthier lifestyle will help or surrounding yourself with safe people that affirm you. 

Anxious people are usually nice people who try to do things right and want people to like them. There is some good in these qualities. The problem is when you give other people your strength. 

By trying to please people, you are giving them power over you. 

By trying to do everything perfectly, you are giving power to the person who sets the standard.

Take back control of your life. Stop letting anxiety overwhelm you. Your anxiety is not your fault, but with some work, you can find ways to manage it and stop being overtaken by it.

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Comfort Zone.

Sometimes, you need to step away from situations that make you feel comfortable. You need to decide to do the thing that sounds like the most amount of work, the most amount of effort, the most amount of time, the most amount of risk.

Sometimes, you need to escape your comfort zone. You need to challenge yourself. You need to see what you’re capable of achieving when you let your bravery take control.

Sometimes, you need to let your worries take a backseat. You need to ignore your doubts, your fears, your what-ifs. You need to take a chance on yourself, even though you’re not completely sure of yourself, even though you have doubts, even though you aren’t positive, whether you’re making the right move or making a mistake.

Sometimes, remaining in your comfort zone is a mistake. It can cause you to get too comfortable. It can cause you to settle. It can cause you to give up on your hopes and dreams because where you are right now, isn’t that bad and you would rather continue on the way you’ve been living than make your world more complicated, than take risks, than put in the effort.

Sometimes, you’re doing yourself a disservice by allowing yourself to get too cozy in your current position.

You might need a change of pace. You might need a fresh start. You might need to start moving in another direction because if you stay right there forever, you’re never going to grow, never going to evolve, never going to test your own potential.

Sometimes, you need to ask yourself whether you’re living the way you are right now because you’re happy or because you’re comfortable?? You don’t want to give up on your dreams because you’re too terrified to chase after them. You don’t want to convince yourself you’re done trying because you don’t think you can get any further. You don’t want to lose faith in yourself.

Sometimes, you need to sacrifice your comfort for something greater. For true happiness. For inner peace. For a sense of self.

You don’t want to convince yourself this, right here, is as good as it’s going to get. You always want to strive for more. You’re a work in progress — and so is your life. You should never stop learning, stop growing, stop trying. You should keep trying to better yourself and better your situation.

Sometimes, you need to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. You need to make the first move instead of sitting around and waiting for someone else to ask you out on a date. You need to apply for your dream position instead of settling for the one you have right now. You need to go out and see the world — or at least see your town. You need to really live your life instead of settling for an okay existence.

Sometimes, you need to make the scariest choice. You need to act with courage. You need to escape your comfort zone.

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Love Hurts…

When you talk about love you should speak from the heart so here is my slightly raw take on love today.

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You Are Worthy, With Flaws And All.

This is a reminder. A reminder for all of you who think they aren’t worthy of love.

I know that you have been disappointed and broken-hearted so many times that it made you give up on love. I know it, but that’s the biggest mistake anyone can make.

Giving up on love is the same as giving up on life. To love and to be loved is why life is worth living.

I know that you’re afraid. That’s okay. I’m also afraid sometimes. We all fear that we won’t ever find love or even if we find it, that we won’t be able to keep it.

I know that you still haven’t managed to gather together all those broken pieces and you think that they also make you unworthy of love.

Don’t worry. You don’t even have to try to gather them together and make your heart complete again. Each of those pieces is a part of you and that’s what makes you so special and unique.

One day, someone will come into your life and they will fall in love with that damaged, but special and quirky heart of yours.

That person will bring you back your faith in love and they’ll help you heal.

Their love will be your motive to gather up all your broken pieces and glue them back together. You have to believe me, one day that person will come.

Your heart will shine bright again. You’ll understand how much you’ve missed since you made that decision to give up on love.

You’ll realize how wrong you were when you thought that your flaws and some unresolved past issues make you undeserving of love.

You’re also afraid of your imperfections and flaws.

You can’t embrace all of them and it makes you wonder how anyone could accept and love you with all of your flaws when you aren’t even capable of doing so yourself.

The thing you should be aware of is that there is no perfect human being. We are all damaged in some way and we all have something we aren’t proud of. That doesn’t make every person unworthy of love, does it?

Because trust me, if all people possessed that same way of thinking, then love wouldn’t exist. If we all thought that our flaws make us unlovable, then this world wouldn’t exist at all.

Believe in soulmates. Believe in faith. God has someone for you and that person will find you eventually.

That person will see the real you. They’ll fall in love with you, accepting every part of you, no matter how imperfect or damaged they may be.

Your belief that you don’t deserve to be loved is actually only holding you back from finding the one who’ll love you just the way you need to be loved.

If you’ve done something you aren’t particularly proud of in the past and you think that it also makes you flawed, you’re once again wrong; it only makes you human.

We all make mistakes. Sometimes, we do some wrong things and unintentionally hurt ourself or the people we love. That’s also a part of life and I repeat, we all make mistakes.

Let go of the past. Don’t hold grudges against yourself or anyone else. Forgive yourself and others who hurt you; that’s the only way you’ll find peace.

And when you do it, you’ll see how everything will fall into place.  

That feeling of being unworthy is actually… well, it’s actually all in your head. You’ll overcome it.

You just have to find a way to quiet that annoying inner voice that only hinders you from finding pure and honest love.

No matter what that inner voice or anyone else says, you are good enough. You are good enough to be loved.

You deserve to be loved and treated right. Hell, you deserve to be treated like a queen or king, and one day you will be. Just don’t give up or lose hope.

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Long Distance Relationship.

Long-distance relationships are hard work and that’s nothing new. But they are also the best way to see if you and your partner are meant to be together. A long-distance relationship tests your love in ways you couldn’t even imagine. It’s the most difficult test you will ever take and if you pass it, you will know that you found the one.

Yes, you are prepared for a long-distance relationship to be difficult but you have no idea what it’s really like. You really can’t know how difficult it can be until you experience it in your own skin.

A long-distance relationship gives you a series of midterm tests that you have to pass with flying colors to have a true evaluation of your love.

1. Test of patience

You think that person you are with is worth the wait. So you are prepared to face whatever comes your way and wait for as long as it takes. But when you find yourself in that situation you realize time is something abstract and that one day feels like a week, a week like a month and a month like a year.

And even though you didn’t spend every waking hour together when you shared the same location, the feeling is simply not the same. It basically feels like it’s been forever since you were close to them and it can physically hurt how much you miss them.

2. Test of trust, respect, and loyalty

You are prepared for your relationship to be based on a series of long Facetime talks or any other type of online communication. They make things easier when you can’t see one another in person and want to talk about this and that. But they make it harder because you are listening to their voice and seeing their face but you are unable to hug them or to kiss them. You miss their presence.

Not to mention the physical part of a relationship. The long period of abstinence sure makes it feel like you are celibate. It’s extremely difficult but when you are waiting for the right person, infidelity doesn’t even cross your mind. You want them and only them. Cheating is totally unacceptable.

3. Test of love

If you pass the first two tests you will have no problem with the last one, which is a combination of things to show if your relationship has been strong enough to survive, to pass every obstacle it encounters on the road.

If you don’t make it and your relationship falls apart, you will at least know where you stand. It happens sometimes that you fail. Distance shows you things you didn’t see when you were too close. Maybe you realized it was wrong from the start. At least you tried.

So what if it didn’t work, it enabled you to see what you and the other person were made of. It tested your patience, your mutual trust and the limits of your love.

If your love reached the limit, it was never meant to be. Be proud of yourself for trying and giving it a chance. Be grateful for distance because it allowed it to end.

However, if love is true, there will be no limits and distance can’t do any harm. ‘Distance is just a test to see how far true love can travel’.

If your relationship survived distance, it will make you even closer when you are finally back together. It will be the most amazing feeling you have ever felt. The blessing of hugging your entire world after so much time apart is something priceless.

Yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com

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Judgement.

“Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.” ~Nancy Lopez

I used to judge people, especially men, when I learned that they had been unfaithful to their girlfriends.

As soon as I learned about the situation, I would feel resistance and anger building up inside me. I would immediately begin insulting them in my head, and sometimes would actually verbalize it if there was someone to discuss it with.

Today, I rarely react like this. I know not to judge someone based on their actions because everyone makes mistakes, and some people prefer to behave in a way not everyone else can relate to.

I still don’t find it appropriate or fair to cheat on someone, but I stopped letting that define the worth I assign to that person.

I know now where that strong negative response comes from. Someone once cheated on me, and it caused me a lot of pain. As a result, I have developed a pretty rigid mindset around that topic.

In the past, I also judged women when I felt threatened by them, especially those who I perceived to be extremely attractive.

I compared my body to other women’s bodies because I feared I didn’t look as hot as they did, which was clearly a matter of low self-esteem. The conversation in my mind went something like this:

“Oh, look at that girl in that red dress—her tight body and her perfect curves. And look how she moves. I’m sure she must get a lot of attention and admiration from the guys around here. She has to be really arrogant.”

This inner chatter made it pretty apparent what was going on inside me in those moments. First, I began comparing myself to someone who I perceived to be better than me physically, then I decided I couldn’t measure up. This, of course, made me feel threatened.

So I judged her by using a big generalization to put her down so I could feel better about myself.

I’ve noticed that my increased level of self-love has helped me judge a lot less.

Also, I’m more aware of it now when I judge because I feel threatened, and with awareness, I am able to step back and ask myself whether my initial judgment is true.

I almost always have to own up to the fact that no, just because someone is attractive, that doesn’t have to mean she’s arrogant.

I’m not saying that we all have to learn to stop judging others. Maybe it isn’t even possible to do so because of the way we’re wired as human beings.

But what we can learn is that our judgments mostly have to do with us, not the people we judge, and the same is true when others judge us.

In most cases, we judge others in order to feel better about ourselves, because we are lacking self-acceptance and self-love.

If we could learn to embrace ourselves as we truly are, would we still be so judgmental toward others? Most likely not. We would no longer need a reason to put someone else down just to raise ourselves up.

This is only one of the many reasons why self-love is so important and powerful. If we could all learn to love ourselves, we would make our world a much more compassionate and much less judgmental place.

Yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com

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The Boss Of Me…Anxiety.

Silence the voices in your head. Ignore them completely. Nothing will change if you let them upset you. You know you’re not getting anywhere if you just give in.

You’re aware of that, so stop panicking and listen to your realistic side.

You’re only making things worse… for you… and everyone around you.

I feel like I need to tell you something… something you’re probably not aware of. And it’s important for you to know.

Anxiety shows up in different ways. Every person experiences anxiety at some level multiple times during their life.

You’re aware of that, so stop panicking and listen to your realistic side.

Some live with it much more easily than others, but life is almost never fair, so don’t bother yourself trying to find out why that is so, and why you are not one of those people.

You’ve been handed the anxiety card, so live with it and stop asking: “Why me?!” The answer will never come. Let’s move on.

Believe it or not, there is a brighter side to your condition—only if you choose to see it. Anxiety is actually not a bad thing.

Yes, I said it and now listen to why!

Anxiety is not a bad thing once you learn to control it. In fact, anxiety is only a quick response from a healthy brain when you’re in danger.

Your brain is trying to find the best possible solution for the problem at hand. You’re experiencing instinctive thoughts and movements designed to save you from getting into trouble.

In other words, you’re always ready to handle whatever comes your way, whether you know it or not.

Is being prepared for the worst such an awful thing?

Well, it is when it’s ruining your life, when you have no power to restrain your thoughts. It is when you’re letting your anxiety take the wheel and be the boss of you.

Then you lose all control and that survival mode you naturally have quickly grows into panic, which leads to failing.

Please, read this every time you feel like a prisoner in your own mind…

You’ve made it through another day.

You’ve slept through the night, although you woke up several times covered in sweat. You were in a place between sleep and reality during the whole night.

This feeling of unease bothered you like you forgot to do something or like something bad was going to happen, but you didn’t know when and you didn’t know how.

The only thing that your brain was telling you was that you needed to be on the lookout. You survived that night and you woke up to live another day.

You’re scared you won’t do your best. You’re scared you’re going to fail miserably and then fail again tomorrow.

But then, you go to sleep and you wake up the next morning… knowing you’ve survived another day.

You’re scared to fail and that’s more than okay.

Your biggest mistake is striving for perfection when it’s impossible. You don’t need to be perfect and you can’t be perfect—at least not to everyone.

That’s why I want you to read this text every time this feeling overwhelms you. There is no point in beating yourself up every time you fail. You will fail and you’re not the only one.

Don’t you understand you need to fail if you want to learn from it and be smarter and better the next time? Don’t let it discourage you. You can always try one more time.

You’re meant to be flawed like any other person in this world. The only difference between you and those who don’t care about perfection, is that they understand it’s impossible to achieve it and it only pressures them, while you’re still obsessed.

Stop apologizing when you don’t need to.

It’s all happening in your head. Out of nowhere, you create a scenario which is anything but the truth. You convince yourself that the outcome is somehow your fault.

So, what if you made a mistake? No one is going to judge you solely on that. We are all human, we are all flawed and we all make mistakes.

Enough with the over analyzing of every little thing you do. Enough with the apologies for the things you aren’t even guilty of. That’s just your anxiety playing tricks on you.

Stop thinking too much… it’s killing you. You deserve your own love and understanding.

You are not alone.

Although you might feel like it often. Everyone’s dealing with something. We all have problems and issues buried deep inside, that we don’t like to talk about.

Don’t even for a second start to think you are alone in all of this mess. You are just struggling like the rest of us and you are amazing and worthy of admiration for all of it.

The only way your anxiety will win is, if you allow it to be the boss of you. So keep on fighting and never let it win. Be the only ruler of your life.

https://yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
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Dear Soulmate,

Our universe grants every soul a twin—a reflection of themselves—the kindred spirit – And no matter where they are or how far away they are from each other—even if they are in different dimensions, they will always find one another. This is destiny; this is love. – Julie Dillon

My single life was great and I don’t have any regrets at all, but I know I’m finally ready to settle down. In fact, I was ready to settle down for quite some time.

I’ve had my fair share of fun and dating. That part of my life has come to an end and I’m happy it did. Now, it’s time for me to MEET you and to LOVE you.

This whole waiting process feels like an eternity. It literally lasts FOREVER. I know that is happening because I’m in anticipation of that moment to come.

The moment when you will walk into my life and love me, for who I am and not who I have to pretend to be. I know that you will be worth the wait, that’s why I’m going to be PATIENT.

We will build our own little kingdom where our love can run free, without any judgments and restraints. That will be our Eden where our souls can be together for eternity.

We will be indestructible. Our love will be the key that opens the doors to all the locked rooms of our doubts, insecurities, and things we never had the courage to find out or face.

You will know how I feel about you from the expression on my face. When you look into my eyes, you will know exactly how I feel. There will be no need to verbally express our emotions because our body language will do the talking.

They say that our eyes are the window to our souls, and since our souls are perfectly compatible, one look into my eyes will tell you how we both feel.

I will love you by giving you constant support. I will stand by your side in every little thing that you do.

I will stick to your decisions, because I will believe in you and in what you think is right.

Even if you fail, I will be there to comfort you and encourage you to try again.

I will show you my love to you by making you feel our lives are not worth living without each other. I won’t be able to live without you, because you’re the one I’ve been waiting for so long.

You will know I love you because we will be intellectually compatible. You will get my jokes and I will get yours. We will start laughing at stupid, insignificant things that no one else finds funny, but WE do.

You will challenge me and I will challenge you, and in that way, our relationship will never be boring. It will continue to glow in the same amount as when we first met.

My soulmate, the chemistry we will have will be stronger than any explosion. It will be an electric attraction. Something will be drawing us closer and closer to each other, and we won’t be able to put our fingers on it.

We will be best friends because there won’t be a person in the world that will get you as I will. You will be able to confide in me and to tell me your biggest secrets and deepest fears. I will understand because…I will love you.

https://yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
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A Letter To My Past.

I cannot stand the way you control my thoughts and feelings!

Many times you have protected me, but at the same time you have suffocated me.

You have forced me to see things your way; but maybe now I want to see things my way.

You turn the words “you are loved” into “whats the catch?” When people say they care and support me, you make me think it’s for a price. When someone says “trust me” you make me second guess – always.

When people want to support me, you make it hard to accept, and if I do accept, you fill me with shame, guilt and regret.

You never let me have anything, without reminding me of what was behind it. It’s only when I see then, am I allowed to finally see now.

You choose what I hear, vs what I need or want. You shut down my emotions before I even have a chance to fully understand them.

You make all the decisions in my life, when all I want is the freedom to take those chances myself; without the what if, and or buts.

When I want to reach out to people in hard times, you make me feel dependent or needy. You make me believe that the only person I can depend on is myself, and sometimes that becomes too overwhelming.

No matter where I turn, you are there – right there! every minute of the day, every moment I shut my eyes, even when I sleep.

You remind me of the pain, the abandonment, the disappointments, the betrayal, the fear, the sadness and the hate!

You don’t allow me to accept anything; therefor I go without, sitting in the sadness of a deep want and need that you won’t let me have.

You make me believe that the only safe place to be is in your beliefs – which is the lies and the pain.

What about what I want?

Maybe I want to reach out for a hug and see what it feels like without numbing myself. Maybe for once I would like to get a hug without being forced to believe it’s for the other person, and not possibly for me.

Maybe I want to trust the people I love without you making me think twice.

Maybe I want to reach out whenever I want to just because, without feeling an ounce of guilt, or there having to be a reason.

Maybe I want to be with my emotions without you reminding of the fear. Maybe I just want to be me, without you being there at all.

Maybe I want to accept all the love, care and support around me, without feeling as if I have to do something in return.

You are a blessing and a curse. You hold me back from experiencing many things in life that I feel I deserve.

I realize you are there to protect me, but you also there to keep me from going forward towards the people I want to trust, and the safe things in life.

Everyday you control my thoughts and feelings, and maybe today I want to control my own thoughts and feelings.

Maybe it’s okay to cry? Did you ever think about that?

Maybe it’s ok to be angry? What could possibly be the harm in that? Don’t you think I have the right to be angry after all this time?

Maybe its okay to accept, maybe it’s okay to just BE, maybe it’s ok to feel a hug, maybe I need to feel a hug.

I cannot stand the way you keep me from the things in life I could possibly enjoy, and how will I ever know if I am constantly behind your walls?

You force me to pull me away from the people I want to be with because you make me believe that being alone is the only safe option.

You won’t allow me to trust the people I want to trust – not everyone is out to hurt me you know!

Although you have kept me safe at times, it’s time for me to take control over you now. No matter how much time that takes, I will find a way to accept, reach out, have emotions, trust, and be the way I want to be, think the way I want to think, and feel the way I want to feel.

It’s not easy living with you inside of me. It’s painful and it’s hard, and I have to find a way to talk you out of me!

And although you may never completely go away, I can surely push you aside.

Today I will accept, I will have emotions, I will walk towards, I will talk about, I will allow myself to be loved, and I will connect without you telling me that I can’t or it’s not safe.

Yes it may be scary, and yes it may be hard, but let me decide if it’s a risk I want to take, because after-all, it’s my life – right here, right now.

So maybe you are still here, and maybe at times you will be needed, and I am sure I will fall short and lean back on you in scary times… but right now, I am bigger than you are, and you are nothing but something that just stands in the way.

I want to go forward –  by my choice, not yours.

– A letter to my past.

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Let’s Talk About Depression.

I’ve thought about this a lot over the last few years in trying to find ways to talk about my mental health struggles, and I think I’ve come to the conclusion that for the moment at least, I have two go-to analogies for depression. Of course, everyone experiences it differently – I can’t even begin to say what goes on in other people’s heads, how could I know? I can’t talk about other peoples struggles or the things that hurt them, but I can try to talk about mine.

Depression worsening as it being like a glass bell jar were being hovered over her and slowly lowering around me, until it hits the ground and seals her inside. You can still sort-of see and hear the things going on around you, but you’re totally separate, it doesn’t feel real. You can’t touch those things or reach them and they can’t hear you. life goes on and you sort of just watch in this isolated, frustrated, frightening daze as days blankly drop off one after the other and everyone else moves, but you stay frozen still. It’s this incredibly strange feeling of being aware that you are still alive, somehow, but nothing in you is quite there. You aren’t LIVING. So the jar is one of mine. As are the endless blank days falling off one after the other. Depression isn’t always claustrophobic and black, it can be overwhelming, eerie expanses of white meaninglessness too.

So that’s one, and this is the other, one that’s more my own, I guess, than a found comfort in the words of someone else. (And it is a comfort, it sounds so futile and silly, but it really is).

It’s like treading water, at sea. But not a nice sea, not like a soothing rolling turquoise cove sea in Italy, I mean like and angry cold Cornish-on-a-bad-day sea. And rather than for a bit, it’s all the time.
You know how tired you used to get when they made you do that army-style treading water circuit in swimming lessons? How you desperately have to keep everything moving just to keep your head up long enough to take a breath, but it takes absolutely everything you have? It’s like that. And in both cases the breaths you manage to snatch are often short and frantic and full of seawater/other gross things. The other fun part is, you’re not even sure if you WANT to do the whole fighting thing. Sometimes it gets too much, you’re too tired, the wave is too big and you get swept up in the current. That would be one, trying to keep my head above water when it feels like everything in me and the sea itself is just trying to pull or push me under, and in some ways yes, it would be so much easier to let go.

But the important thing to understand, or for everyone else to understand too, is that you are not the sea, or the jar, the depression is.
You can’t control the sea, and when it gets too much, yes, you might get angry at yourself for not fighting harder, but in the moment you couldn’t. How can you break out of a thick glass prison-bubble if no one can reach you?

Sometimes just breathing takes everything you have, and that’s just the way it is. It’s okay. The sea is not your fault. The jar is not your fault. Depression isn’t anyone’s fault.

Yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com

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Size Something Up.

Hey All,

Go check out my online store Size Something Up where you get discounted items at low prices. New items listed everyday. Collection lists: Womens Clothing, Men’s Clothing, Womens Shoes, Men’s Shoes, Girls, Shoes, Boys Shoes, Jewelry, Health & Beauty, Fitness & Sports, Mommy & Me, Household…& much more.

Sizesomethingup.org

sizesomethingup.org

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Your Scars Tell A Story.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.”

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Mistaking For Love, 17 Things.

I write this because, at some point in my life, I have mistaken all of these things for love and/or romance. And I think, because these are the kinds of relationships and scenarios we see glamorized (no one wants to watch a movie about a happy couple just being happy in the long-term and not having terrible obstacles to overcome), it’s important to remind ourselves that these are mere mind tricks when compared to the real thing.

1. Getting isolated moments of affection or attention from someone who is otherwise very distant and, because of that, makes you hang on every move they make to see if it’s going to be one that ruins or completely makes your day.

2. Having really incredible sex with someone who proceeds to turn off like a light switch once the physical part of it is over. (This is often followed by an unceremonious re-dressing and a “I’ll call you” as they extricate themselves from the cuddle attempt.)

3. Being interested in an excessive amount of the same obscure pop culture stuff. Although, if this person happens to be Joseph Gordon-Levitt circa 500 Days Of Summer, feel free to mistake that for a real connection.

4. Thinking about someone constantly, with very little interaction in real life, so that most of your thoughts and desires about them are from what you imagine them to be in your head.

5. Finally meeting someone who fits the description of “ideal partner” you have held onto, even if they are only good on paper and you don’t really feel a connection with them.

6. Having some kind of shared experience or past that enables the two of you to feel close without ever forming a bond as a couple.

7. Spending so much time together that you start to see each other as the “default” option and become incredibly comfortable with one another without really feeling any romantic emotion towards them. (This often results in the dreaded “dating-for-convenience” syndrome” that plagues many a hometown.)

8. Meeting someone again after a long separation in the kind of circumstances that lead the more reptilian part of your brain to believe that it’s “fate,” “destiny” or “meant to be.”

9. Being treated like shit by someone who has mastered the art of tearing you down and building you back up again, so you come to associate them with the “repair and soothe” feelings they provide without ever realizing that they are the ones making you feel like crap in the first place.

10. Finally getting attention from someone you perceive to be much more attractive, popular, or worthy than you. Feeling like you are honored just by getting a bit of their time, and not really caring how reciprocated the emotions are.

11. Being with someone for so long that you assume you must still be in love with them, even if it’s been a really long time since you’ve felt anything resembling connection or desire towards them.

12. Staying in said relationship more out of loyalty, comfort, and not being a quitter than anything else.

13. Seeing someone in a way that has to be discreet and somewhat hidden — maybe because one of you is getting out of a relationship, or because you work together — and being so overwhelmed by the forbidden nature of it all that you can’t really tell how you actually feel about that person.

14. Finding someone who is very stable, responsible, and perhaps financially settled at a time in your life where you have absolutely no ties to anything and can’t keep your shit together whatsoever.

15. Lusting after someone you are hot for, but who is completely unavailable.

16. Meeting someone while you’re traveling and having that perfect week-or-so slice of a relationship that allows you to feel like you love them without really knowing them at all. (This can often lead to the weird, awkward period where you try to prolong something that should have been a fling and is thousands of miles away.)

17. Wanting so badly to get back together with an ex, mostly to prove to yourself that you can do it and get back that sense of comfort, that you completely forget all of the very valid reasons you had for breaking up in the first place. Painfully re-igniting or prolonging a relationship simply to recreate a feeling you used to have.

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Tidal Wave Of Emotions.

It is utterly overwhelming to experience so many emotions at once. Ever feel frustrated, sad, motivated, irritated, and overwhelmed at the same time? It’s okay if you do. We live in a time where our emotions feel like they spread throughout our body like wildfire. So read on if you are a tidal wave of emotions.

Your emotions are strong. At times they are overpowering. That’s okay. You are a force to be reckoned with. Don’t try to ignore these emotions, let yourself explore them instead. 

Perhaps you struggle to understand your conflicting emotions. You are terribly angry, bitterly sad, and utterly empowered all at the same time. Use this to be the change you wish to see in the world.

If you are a storm of emotions right now, channel your strength and energy towards justice. Start to actively understand the world around you and breakdown the things that are sparking your conflicting feelings. 

You are strong. You are brave. You are unapologetic. Never let anyone make you feel bad about your emotions. They are yours to express and no one’s to control. Feel angry, sad, happy, nervous, scared, or excited. Feel them all at the same time, or just once every now and again.

Let your body tackle these emotion and know that there is strength in emotionally defending yourself. You are not being dramatic. You are authentic, proud, and honorable. 

Your tears can stream down your face. Your hands can get clammy and your face can get all red and hot. Don’t hide yourself and don’t feel embarrassed. 

Don’t play dumb with your emotions. The more you are in denial about how you feel, the more your emotions will control you. You control your emotions.

Never let who you are define how you feel. Whether you are the biggest fish in the pond or the smallest of guppies, your emotions are equally valid. It doesn’t matter who you are and where you come from, you have a great strength inside you. Your feelings deserve to be heard and respected. 

Focus yourself on the eye of your emotional storm. Always search for peace throughout the tidal wave of your emotions. Find your eye and let that be your emotional home-base. 

If you are a tidal wave of emotions, know that you will experience the ups and downs of the storm. Some days will be worse than others. Whether you are a Level Five Hurricane or a calm sunshower, your emotions are always worthy. 

There is an unbelievable power in you. You can change the tide, calm the waters, move the seas, and create tornados with your words. Above all, your heart is an undeniably amazing force. So if you are a tidal wave of emotions right now that is okay…

Always remember to express your emotions, truthfully process your feelings, and love the tidal wave that is you.

yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
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A Man To Love A Broken Woman.

To her, love seems like a game of power and she’s the one who hands it over. Because love to her, is something worth living and fighting for.

Love is something she’s ready to lose herself in without even skipping a beat. It terrifies her to death, but she’d do it any day and anytime.

You can see the fear in her eyes and hear the tremble in her voice, but the strength of her love and the heat of her passion, is what knocks you off of your feet. You can see that she’s scared to the bone and she goes for it anyway.

Love her for the fact that she’s standing while she’s falling apart inside. For the fact that she gets up every morning, facing the sunshine, while fighting with the darkness in her. And for being the harbor you can seek safety in.

To her, sweet words are just a weapon to lure someone in, only to break them. To her, love is as sweet as it is terrifying.

And every time someone promises her love, she nods in agreement but deep down, the doubt is tearing her apart, warning her of another break that’s to come.

Hugs are just there to ease the pain and to make it harder for her once you’re gone. Because you ought to leave. Everyone else did, why wouldn’t you?

Love her for facing her fears every single day while she’s loving you. Love her for tumbling her walls down to show you that she trusts you.

Love her for the fact that she’s the fiercest and gentlest heart there is. Not the broken one, but the beautiful one. Because she is so much more than just broken.

To her, the idea of not loving you is way more painful than the idea of you walking away. Because she knows the pain of not being loved.

She knows how it hurts when you give everything and get so little in return. She knows how it hurts to be neglected, and how it hurts to be lied to.

So she will never, ever play with your trust. She will never leave you in the dark if she can be the light. She will never leave you in the cold if she can be the flame.

Love her for bringing color to your black and white life and warmth to the freezing caves of your mind. For putting a smile on your face and having a laugh so contagious, that you’re left wondering if sadness even exists next to her.

To her, brokenness is something she hides away with a smile. It’s not because she’s embarrassed, it’s because she’s afraid it’ll seem too much to you.

She’s afraid that you will see the woman she once was. The woman who let others take away her worth and her smile.

The woman who trusted everyone would keep her heart safe, just like she kept theirs.

She’s afraid that you will run away because you can’t fix her. But the thing is, there is no point in fixing something that doesn’t need to be fixed.

Love her for the amazing mosaic of all the battles and victories she’s had. Love her for all of the pain she endured with that smile that would put the sun to shame.

Love her for the fact that broken looks good on her.

To her, every day is the last one, so she holds nothing back. Because waiting for the people who never came, is what killed her in the end.

Hoping in vain is what destroyed her. And giving her heart is what broke her.

But you see, she lives every day, one day at a time. She gives herself completely, every second of the day.

When pain pins her down, she whispers, “We got this.” When fear tries to hold her back, she whispers, “One more time.

And when memories come hunting her, she screams, “Not today.” Being broken is part of her and if you leave her for it, you’re not the real man she deserves.

Love her for her. Breathe with her, cry with her. Wait for the sunrise next to her and appreciate every second you get to spend with her.

Admire her and watch her in awe. And if you’re not ready to do it, let her go.

To her, being set free is better than being locked in a gilded cage with no love. If you’re not ready to love all of her, then let her go.

yourlifesjournesysblog.wordpress.com
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Happiness Is A Choice, Not A Feeling.

What is happiness? People have debated this question for ages. But although you may not know how to define it, you definitely know what happiness is when you feel it.

And although happiness is not the same for everyone, there is no person alive who doesn’t strive for it. We all desire happiness but those who know how to really, achieve it are rare.

Most of us spend our life waiting for happiness to knock on our door and for it to magically happen to us. But what we don’t know is that happiness will never choose “us,” until we choose “it.”

If you want to be happy, you are the one who has to choose to be happy. Your happiness lies in your own hands.

Happiness, although being the final goal, is not a destination. It is not a result, it is a journey and a way of life.

You live a stressful life, surrounded by different kinds of negativities and you think that it is impossible for you to be happy in these circumstances.

Your family is always criticizing you, you are not satisfied with the relationship you are in, your job doesn’t fulfill you, you have financial problems and your friends are not the best either.

And you blame destiny for everything. You think that you are simply not born to be happy and although you won’t admit this to yourself, you’ve come to terms with it.

You’ve accepted that you will have good and bad moments in your life, but that you will probably never achieve the ultimate happiness. So, you’ve given up.

You’ve decided to handle life the best way you can, without expecting to ever be truly and completely satisfied with it. You are actually just going with the flow, thinking you wouldn’t be able to change anything, even if you tried.

And I am here to tell you, that this is the worst decision you could ever make.

Maybe you don’t know it but, you are the one who gave up you’re own happiness. You are the one who forbids yourself to be happy and you are the one who chose to be unhappy.

It is not that you were not born under a lucky star, it is not that the universe hates you and it is not that you suffer from bad luck.

You are the one who chooses whom and what you allow into your life. You are the only one with the power to choose how different things and people affect you.

And most importantly, you are the only one with the power to choose how you react to everything life puts you through.

It’s time to understand that you’ll never be happy until you realize your happiness is in your hands. You are the creator of your own destiny.

You are the only one who has the power to influence and to direct your own life.

I know it is probably easier for you to blame some higher force for the way you are feeling, but it’s time to carry some responsibility on your shoulders as well.

Life will always be stressful and it will always put you through difficult situations, but it is only up to you how you will let it affect you. Your attitude toward life determines your happiness.

You can choose whether you’ll focus on the bad things that are happening to you and keep youself from being happy, or you’ll think of them as valuable lessons.

There is good and bad in everything and that is something you can’t have an impact on but it is up to you whether you’ll choose to see the good in everything or vice versa.

It’s up to you to train your mind to think positive thoughts and when you accomplish that, you’ll be happy—not because everything is good, but because you chose to see the good in everything.

Sometimes, things will not be OK, but that is all a part of life and that is not something you should run away from.

Sometimes you’ll experience negative emotions, but it is your choice whether you’ll allow those negative emotions to take control of you and to completely consume you, turning you into a bitter, pessimistic person or you’ll face these negative things that are happening to you, embrace those emotions as a part of life and focus on making the best of things.

But remember, happiness is not something that you can just choose to feel, without working on it. It is not a gift from the universe, it requires effort and time.

Eventually,, when you experience it, you’ll see that everything was worth it.

yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
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Negative Coping Skills

Trigger warnings: self-harm, mental illness

Words are never really just words, and how we use them as we progress in our recovery is critical. For over two decades, I self-identified as a “cutter.” I felt this was a key part of my entire being, often describing the behavior, itself, as a coping skill; years later, it was a medical professional who helped me to adapt that cutting was a negative coping skill. Today a mentor of mine blew all previous concepts of this out of the way by simply explaining, “These aren’t negative coping skills; they are, in fact, self-destructive behaviors.”

The first issue I need to address is something, we as a community, struggle with in identifying as being mentally ill instead of a person who has a mental illness. There is in fact a difference, a huge difference, as my existence cannot be so easily simplified to a label. As long as I allow my illness to be my sole or primary identifier, I have cheated myself and others from knowing the reality of who I am. And as long as I am mentally ill verses someone with a mental illness, I am allowing that illness to take control of all that I am, as well as shirking all responsibility for any damage that may ensue.

There is power in language; part of my recovery is reclaiming that power and making it what I want it to be. Making me who I want to be. I am a person with a multitude of traits, qualities, faults and talents, yet no single one of those things can completely define all of me. I was never a cutter; I was a person who used cutting as a self-destructive behavior while claiming it was a coping skill.

Coping skills are the methods a person uses to deal with stressful situations. These may help a person face a situation, take action, and be flexible and persistent in solving problems.

The term negative coping skill seems like a bit of a contradiction. In my case, how did practicing “self-harm” help me solve any problems in my life? To put it bluntly, it didn’t. I didn’t learn conflict resolution, stronger communication skills, or ways to evolve into a better version of myself in any capacity. Explaining my behaviors as negative coping skills allowed me to alleviate some of the guilt and responsibility associated with the behaviors. It also allowed me to remain in denial that these “so-called” coping skills, were in fact, only exacerbating the very stress I was trying to resolve. When someone told me what I was doing was in reality a self-destructive behavior, I immediately went on the defense, feeling judged. It was what made sense to me, what felt safe, and to have that questioned by anyone left me in a place of vulnerability I didn’t want to confront.

Coping skills take time, patience, and a whole of a lot more effort that I’m often willing to give. These self-destructive behaviors feel good right away just about every time I do them, requiring minimal effort, if any. So I dress up my self-destructive behaviors all fancy in an effort to masquerade them around as an attempt to cope with my challenges, the justification being simply that a negative coping skill is still a coping skill, so what’s the real harm in the end? The harm is that in refusing to face my stresses in a constructive way, I am moving further away from the healthier life I ultimately want to achieve. If I chop off my leg, reasoning less of me will get there faster, the irony will be that all along I needed ALL of me to make it happen. A wounded leg will get me there faster, than no leg at all. Stopping to treat my leg and letting it heal will give me the best possibility of success.

Yourlifesjourneys.wodpress.com
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To The Rest Of The World (Part 3.)

Yet, there is so much stigma, so many misconceptions and unhelpful attitudes around suicide.  What if we likened it to cancer? Like cancer, suicide does not discriminate on the basis of gender, race, or socioeconomic status. There is no stereotypical face of it and no one single path that leads to it. For some, it is a sudden, intense phenomenon that takes life rapidly and with little warning. For others, it is a war waged internally for years. And, like with cancer, what if we did not blame the sufferers, even if their actions seemingly contributed in part to the outcome, and instead understood that they, tragically, lost their battle?

Suicide is not a selfish or cowardly act. It is not due to a lack of discipline or religion or to a weakness of character. It is caused by a number of factors, a perfect storm of biological vulnerabilities and environmental elements that results in circumstances that are beyond someone’s ability to cope. In that final moment, there is no alternative, no way out. Like when a heart no longer has the capacity to keep beating during a heart attack, they die of a brain attack.

“Suicide is just a cry for attention or a cry for help,” you may say. Maybe it is sometimes. That brave soul is fighting for their life! LISTEN TO THAT CRY! Help if you can.

I urge you to be kind to others. You can not tell by looking at someone if they are struggling with suicidal thoughts or who they’ve lost to suicide. Arm yourself with education and compassion. Suicide is a public health issue and affects us all.

Know that it’s ok to ask someone about suicide. There’s a common misconception that asking someone if they have suicidal thoughts will implant the idea. That’s a myth. If someone is not suicidal, asking about it will NOT cause them to be. And, if they are, asking about it may just save their life. By asking and listening without judgment and without anger, you’ll let them know that the door is open to talk about it, that you are a safe place for them, and that you will help them take the first steps toward preventing it.

Be in Peace,

Yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
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To The Contemplators (Part 2.)

I feel your pain…at least I want to. I want to listen, to wrap my arms around you, to tell you that you are NOT alone, that people care, that this will pass, that life CAN get better, that there IS hope, that NOTHING is unforgiveable or irreversible.

Know that brains lie, and yours is no exception! Question it. Challenge it. Fight back! You DO have worth! Things CAN get better! It will not always feel like this. These thoughts and feelings will pass if you can hang on. You are strong. The fact that you’re still here is a testament to that. Even the strongest need a hand sometime, though, so share your burden (and know that YOU as a person are NOT a burden). It will be easier to carry, possible to endure, with help.

Please find some tiny ray of hope and cling to it like the life raft that is. Things can get so much better!

Be in Peace!!

yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com

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To The Grievers (Part 1.)

I feel your pain. I, too, have lost a loved one. I know the initial shock as your mind strives to process the news that seems so unfathomable, so impossible. We know that it happens, but we just didn’t see it coming.

I know the heartbreak that sets in as the shock wears off and you realize that your person is gone. This is not a bad dream. You’re awake, and it sucks. I know the deeper layer of heartbreak that comes with the realization of just how much pain your person must have been in. The weight is crushing.

You’ll want to go down the If Only path, but don’t. That will only result in endless loops of anguish and no real clarity. Know that it is not your fault.

You may be struggling with wanting to understand WHY this happened. Know that you may never fully understand your person’s state of mind or the factors that led to their death. You may never have a satisfactory explanation.

Know that it’s ok if you feel angry, but understand what happened. In the mind of someone who dies by suicide, they are a burden to others and do not belong. You and I know that’s not true, but in their mind, riddled with the insidious lies of Depression, they did not. They believed, TRULY believed, that their existence caused pain and that the world would be better off without them. From their perspective, their last act was a selfless one or one of mercy to end suffering. That’s the tragedy of suicide.

You feel lost and stuck as the rest of the world continues on like nothing has changed…but things will never be the same. The waves of grief that crash over you now, buckling your knees and taking your breath away, will gradually slow down. They will begin to come less often and with less intensity.You’ll find yourself feeling (almost) normal for increasing periods. You’ll stop feeling like you’re drowning, but it will never completely stop hurting.

Know that you WILL be ok. It’s going to hurt…a lot and for a long time. There’s no way around it and no way to avoid it. But know that you CAN get through this loss.

Yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com

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Understanding BPD.

Today is the day that I finally say ENOUGH! Enough of the judgement, Enough of the stigma, Enough of the prejudices, Enough of whatever you say about what you clearly know nothing about!

People like me have had enough of you talking about what’s going on with us like you scholars of the internet, know everything about it. You call us dangerous, irrational, impulsive, and the worst of it all, a word we almost come to believe, HOPELESS! But it’s time to see how it’s like to walk in our shoes.

To many of you, we may just look like victims of borderline personality disorder just trying to prove something online, but I’m here to tell you what we really are and what it’s really like to be us, In Real Life. Most of the articles on the internet on Borderline Personality Disorder throw light on all our negative symptoms and characteristics and a whole lot of you out there simply buy it without question, knowledge or experience. Even we did until now, cursed and criticized ourselves for even being that way. All our dark sides were so beautifully written off on the internet that we had started becoming all of it.

The darkest of us, we had ever seen had all started coming to life, just as we had read. And before we knew it, we became our own worst enemy, trying to hurt ourselves on the outside just so that we can kill the ghosts living within. Some of us started cutting open our skin so that the light from the outside could seep through and make the darkness within disappear. We started hating ourselves every second of the day, trying out new ways to get away from ourselves.

Emotionally unstable you said, had you ever questioned why? Some called us crazy, loony, psycho, some even pitied us for being so self destructive, some feared us, some hated us, but all misunderstood us. Being around us, is like being around a ticking bomb, unaware when it would explode. Fearful. But do you even know what it feels to be us? Have you ever held a gun down your throat but then put it back in the drawer? Or popped pills and then walked to a crowded hallway to finally lose consciousness? Or have you ever cut your skin but hoped for the courage to cut deeper? That is exactly what it’s like to be us. We are constantly debating life and death, only hoping that we either had the strength to face life or the courage to just end it all at once.

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself because you couldn’t complete a task at school or because you got into a fight with a sibling? That’s the intensity of how we do things. We look at everything with extremities. Everything is either black or white, but that’s just how we perceive things, not who we are. We are filled with thoughts and ideas as colorful as it can get. But when the bad days kick in, and the ghosts start to haul, how does one knock down an enemy when it is nothing but the face in front of the mirror? This is where our struggle lies. This is what makes us fight, for our own life, against our own self.

It is like rope walking over hell. If you don’t push yourself to complete the walk, you’re bound to burn. This is how we live every single day. But even with all its miseries, there are still days like these when some of us decide to write stuff like this, wanting to show the world what we really are, something that they don’t tell you in those textbooks or on those online pages, things that can never be explained unless experienced, first hand.

Having to survive BPD every single day, what we come to learn is that we are the most resilient people, batting temptations to resort to most likely addictions like drugs and alcohol, suicidal thoughts, self harm and eating disorders. We have the ability to resist our impulses, which is why we are still fighting.

Our levels of Empathy drive us to being kind and sensitive, and make us understand everybody’s issues without judgement, irrespective of their struggles. We are the kind that wants to uplift every person who comes to us for help. We always provide a helping hand or a listening ear to those who turn to us, which often makes us attached to many people around us.

Our Creativity is directly proportional to our emotional intensity. Our constant over thinking and emotional vulnerability always gets the best of our artistic side. When we create, we are not only creating a piece but we create a part of ourselves, using the platform as a reflection of how we see the world. This is also why most of us stop the use of medications we are prescribed as we always complain about how they don’t let us feel so deeply anymore. Passion is another driving force behind our survival. We are so passionate about something that interests us, that we usually find our solace in things that interest us. We find ourselves losing sleep at night or waking up early to do tasks we love to do.

Our Passion is the only thing that motivates us to get out of bed every single day, even on the lowest of days and the only thing that keeps our mind out of things that bother us. It’s the most important driving force and energy behind our survival. We are extremely passionate about what we love. Although our hate is often feared and understated, including our fears of abandonment and attachment which are just manifestations of our unskilled way of dealing with love, we still are very loyal, trustworthy and compassionate. On our good days we could be the best of companions, most loyal friends and life of the party, full of fun, happiness, intelligence, enthusiasm and wit. But sadly, we are most often just looked upon as the textbook definitions of a disorder. Our superpowers, failed to be noticed.

We are warriors, fighting each day, and with every war won, we become survivors, and our biggest victory is finding the will to live.

I write this today, to remind you that we are lovers, we are healers, we are thinkers, we are learners, we are art brought to life, we are creators, and we are everything that they forget to scribble on our diagnosis.

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Worry Less.

There is no doubt about one thing: everything that has happened to you has turned you into an over thinker and a worrier.

You analyze every little thing, you dissect people’s moves, and you trust nobody.

You’ve learned that it’s better to always expect the worst outcome. If you don’t get your hopes up, you won’t be disappointed.

It’s better to try to predict all possible scenarios, so you aren’t caught off guard.Sounds like a heavy burden, right?

Well, you haven’t always been like this. The truth is, that you’ve been betrayed more times than you can count.

Those you sacrificed everything for stabbed you in the back when you least expected it.

They left you hanging when you needed them the most and gave you nothing in return, after everything you’d done for them.

Your exes, your friends – everyone took advantage of your kind heart. Consequently, you had no other choice but to become extra careful about absolutely everyone.

You decided that you had to change your ways before it was too late.

You had to stop letting everyone in and allowing the wrong people to enter your heart.

You had to stop believing that there is good in everyone and face the harsh reality that life is not all sunshine and rainbows.

So, instead, you’ve started worrying obsessively.

You’ve got this urge to control every detail of your life because you see it as the only way to prevent something unpredictable from happening.

Let’s be honest here: when was the last time you truly relaxed?

The last time you followed your gut, without thinking about all the possible consequences of your actions?

When was the last time you went with the flow? When you did something spontaneously and impulsively, without overthinking it first?

When was the last time you enjoyed the moment, without being overwhelmed about what the future might bring?

When was the last day you spent as if it was your last?

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you should go through life completely recklessly.

Of course, there are times when you have to think things through and when your worry comes in handy.

However, if you’re honest, you’ll admit that you’re overreacting. You’ll see that your worries have just made your life more difficult.

They stand in the way of the many beautiful things that await you. They shut out numerous people who are worthy of your love and attention.

The truth is, that your worries have changed you. You’ve become paranoid and negative.

You’ve turned into a woman who is afraid of taking chances. You’ve gotten yourself trapped in your comfort zone, out of a fear of being hurt again.

You don’t take risks and always play it safe. You think it’s the only way to rescue yourself from potential disappointments and failures.

It sounds like a plan to me. It’s definitely one way to go through life in the hope of reaching the end unharmed.

However, have you ever thought about how much you’re missing out on because of your constant worrying and overthinking?

Have you ever considered the fact that you’re actually holding yourself back, while trying to protect yourself?

That it might be better to put yourself out there and face the worst outcome rather than spend your entire life being afraid?

That by wasting all of your time and energy on building this invisible shield around yourself, you’ll end up depriving yourself of the possibility of being unhappy?

Has it ever occurred to you what lately you haven’t been living?

In fact, you’re just existing and trying to survive, which is definitely not the same.

I won’t lie to you: if you put yourself out there, nobody can guarantee that everything will go smoothly.

Nobody can predict the future and promise you that everything will be alright.

Nevertheless, even if you fail, at least you’ll know you tried. You’ll know that you were brave enough to step into the unknown.

You’ll be proud of yourself because of your courage. That you didn’t hide from a challenge.

Instead, you did your best and you risked everything.

You put away your fears, doubts, and overthinking and you stopped running away from challenges.

After all, you only have a perception that you’re in charge. Things that are meant to happen will occur, whether you worry about them or not.

So, what’s the point? It seems that you’re stressing out in vain.

Remember that everything in life is a risk. However, some risks are worth taking.

Open Topic

Milestone.

My life was turned upside down on this day at age 24, the first day I took that hit. I was hooked and had to have it 24/7 so I wouldn’t get sick. That’s when the devil 😈 entered and took over my soul and numbed all the pain, shame, guilt and anger I was feeling all my life. It was such an amazing feeling at the moment bc I was numb and didn’t feel anymore. But….before I knew it, this smart, funny, radiant, beautiful woman had turned into someone evil with a dark ugly soul 🖤. This person was my dark evil shadow that I been carrying my whole entire life and that would never leave and always encouraged me to get high and do my loved ones wrong. I heard numerous voices in my head tugging me in several directions, to a point I couldn’t handle those voices and I had to get high to make them stop, but temporarily. I was trying to drown out the voices of my inner demons. They play off of my deepest fears, of inadequacy, inferiority, abandonment, loss, rejection. They’d tell me that I’m not good enough, that I wasn’t deserving of love, I was inferior to other people, I don’t measure up. They are so convincing that I grew to believe them. I’d break down crying bc I felt so weak and helpless at the moment. I mean, it was an indescribable kind of pain. When people tell you all it takes is that one time, believe them 1000% y’all. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. But yeah, I had people try to help me get clean but, they were so forceful and pushed me to my limits that my mind was thinking a million and one things and I was confused, lost and felt like no one loved me…. I wanted to run far away and I didn’t care where, only if I can leave my shadow behind. . I had to be ready to get better, but I wasn’t ready, it only made me wanna use more and become more of an ugly monster. To make a extremely long story short…on this day today, July 5, 2011, that I remember clear as day. I made a drastic change that I thought was never possible or I couldn’t do. I had 2 choices: live or die?? I thought about it for a few hours 🧐…and in my state of mind I was in, I thought I’d be better off dead so I can not feel all this agony and pain no longer. So bad that I wished I could tear my eyeballs out and stomped on them so I can’t see all this pain I’ve caused to every loved one, including my lost self. BUT..as I was sitting on my couch crying out my eyes I weighed my options and chose lived!! So, I went through withdrawal for 2 weeks. The 2 longest weeks ever of sweating profusely, not able to sleep and eat bc I was vomiting every 2 minutes. That’s right folks my, I got clean ON MY OWN!! 👏🏻 Don’t get me wrong, I did learn a lot while in rehabs and took the tools they taught us how to get clean and applied them to my life. I’m still adjusting to the sober life, and have to face all those feelings I mentioned and then some. Feelings I’ve NEVER felt before while using. And it hurts like hell. All I think about is self medicating, but I look around me and see all I have that I don’t want to lose, especially when my dog looks up at me with his cute, loving self 😪. Life is a huge challenge for me, I know I can’t win every fight, but this one, I got it by the balls and I’ll keep on fighting the fight that I CAN win. I never was able to speak about this dark part of my life bc I was ashamed, but today, I say fuck it, I’m not ashamed of this dark path bc I grew stronger. And if y’all wanna judge, be my guest bc your words will never hurt me. I am stronger than my demons, this I now know.
I. AM. A. WARRIOR!!

iamsober #believe #beautiful #keepfighting #strong #sobrietyrocks

“𝑊ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑒𝑛𝑑 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑟𝑜𝑎𝑑 𝑤𝑒 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑤𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑛𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑓𝑢𝑛𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑎𝑠 𝑎 ℎ𝑢𝑚𝑎𝑛 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔, 𝑒𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑜𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑑𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑠, 𝑤𝑒 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑓𝑎𝑐𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑙𝑒𝑚𝑚𝑎. 𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑜? 𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑒𝑚𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑙𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑒: 𝐸𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑔𝑜 𝑜𝑛 𝑎𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑤𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑜𝑟 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑎 𝑛𝑒𝑤 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒. 𝐼𝑛 𝑦𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑠 𝑔𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑏𝑦, 𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦 𝑓𝑒𝑤 𝑎𝑑𝑑𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑠 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 ℎ𝑎𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑙𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑖𝑐𝑒. 𝑇ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑤ℎ𝑜 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑑𝑑𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜𝑑𝑎𝑦 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑢𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒. 𝐹𝑜𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑚𝑎𝑛’𝑠 𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑟𝑒 ℎ𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑦 𝑎 𝑠𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑙𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑦 ℎ𝑎𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑡𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑎𝑑𝑑𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑠. 𝐼𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑣𝑎𝑖𝑙𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑢𝑠 𝑎𝑙𝑙. 𝑇ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝑠𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑙𝑒 𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙–𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑔𝑖𝑜𝑢𝑠–𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑔𝑟𝑎𝑚, 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑎𝑠 “𝑁𝑎𝑟𝑐𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑠 𝐴𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑦𝑚𝑜𝑢𝑠”

yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
Open Topic

Old Souls, Young Bodies.

Old Soul – A spiritual person who is wise beyond their years; people of strong emotional stability. Basically, someone who has more understanding of the world around them. ~ Urban Dictionary

There are people out there who are experiencing the gap between physical age and the emotional evolvement known as ‘old souls’. Upon hearing this phrase, people often experience a negative connotation picturing a gray-haired grandma, but what they fail to realize is the fact there are also young bodies that carry old souls in them.

Why are they so different from ‘ordinary’ people? There is only one explanation for this…different life experiences. Sometimes, life can play like that with us. It gives us more curve balls that to our friends and we grow up into a more serious person than them. We look at everything from a more mature point of view.

We don’t engage in relationships that are not taking us anywhere. We see ourselves as human beings who value this life to the point where we don’t engage if we’re not looking for something that’s not serious. This is why we’re often perceived as loners. Let me tell you a secret: being a loner, is not a bad thing at all.

We’re looking for forever. This is because we understand the damage of toxic relationships and we choose not to waste our time on shallow friendships or shallow people. This often comes as a consequence of the experiences in our lives. It’s what we’ve been taught while growing up.

Not many people see their purpose and there are a lot of lost wanderers in this Universe. The catch with us, the old souls, is that we genuinely understand who we are and where we want to go in life. This has been since our young age. When everybody else wanted to be princesses or singers, we wanted to be writers, doctors, astronauts, etc. We dreamed big.

Maybe this is one of the reasons why people put a lot of trust in us. They trust us with responsibilities and, believe it or not, we like responsibilities. It’s what we’re best at. We’ve been Dr. Drew, or a shoulder to cry on, for so long that we could help others just by virtue of our experience—no degree needed.

Old souls tend to see the bigger picture in everything. We observe things in life from a bird’s-eye view and we often search for the most meaningful way to approach life.

You won’t be loved for what you have but for who you are because that’s just the way we roll. Materialism means nothing to us. We always seek the deeper bond in people and we’re restless until we get it.

You might freak out at first and search for someone to ‘have more fun with’, but that’s where you’re mistaken the most. All the people you ‘have fun with’ won’t stick around. And you’re merely having fun. You’re just doing a bunch of random things that might make somebody laugh, but often might not.

The real treasure lies within the old souls and do you know why?  Old souls are keepers. We stay when the times get rough. We are the ones who’ll be there forever because forever is what we’re aiming for. We’re a safe haven for people, a shoulder to cry on, the people whom you trust. That’s why old souls are so worth your time.

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Don’t Mistake My Kindness As A Weakness.

I’m a nice girl. In fact, I was raised by my parents to be one. I believe many girls were raised the same way.

When I was a little girl, both parents and teachers were telling me how I should behave. Respect everyone, be polite, don’t say bad words… And I did. Well, I still do.

I always try my best to be kind and not to hurt people. Honestly, I feel way better when I’m kind to others. Being mean is just not my style.

But, there is one thing that makes me freak out sometimes… I’m sick and tired of people seeing my kindness as my weakness.

No, I’m not weak if I let my friend cry on my shoulder at 2 AM. No, I’m not weak if I give my seat to an elderly person.  No, I’m not weak if I treat and respect waiters the way I respect my boss.

I always try to go through bad times with a smile on my face. I try to express my opinions without hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s just who I am.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, because nobody is. I have made so many mistakes in life, just like everyone else has. I have a bunch of flaws.

If you’d meet me more often, you’d know me better. I can be so insecure and exhausted sometimes, but that definitely doesn’t mean I’m weak.

Nice girls are much stronger than society thinks. It takes so much courage to find strength to be good around toxic people. No matter how hard people try to bring me down, I will shine brighter. I will always find strength in me.

I try to live my life to the fullest. I have goals and plans, and I’m keen about pursuing them.

Being nice doesn’t mean I will let you take advantage of me. Growing up, I learnt my lesson. I decided that I won’t let anyone be mean to me just because I’m nice. I will definitely fight back.

Just because I’m sweet, it doesn’t mean I will be quietly putting up with your bullshit.

Listen, I’m not foolish. It took me all of my life to stand up for myself. I realized that I must love and accept myself in order to be respected by others. I’m still learning to say “NO” and to stop feeling bad after I say it out loud. I have my flaws and weaknesses, just like everyone else.

Maybe this is wrong, but I tend to judge people based on their behavior towards others. I don’t like being in a company of people who seek a better position simply by walking over others.

I don’t want to be surrounded by people who are bothered with my kindness. I have no plans to change for anyone’s sake!

We need to stop treating niceness as some kind of disorder. I’m so tired of everyone’s misunderstanding.

I believe being nice doesn’t mean, you let yourself be degraded. I assure you—I’m not the one who will guard your back if you repeatedly disrespect me. I have my limits. I’m nice, but not stupid.

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Paralyzed

I know a lot of us are suffering from mental illness, addiction, Suicide, suicidal thoughts, etc. etc. etc. that we have a hard time explaining to others how we’re feeling. Especially to people who will never understand. So with all this being said, I put together this video and remember no one is better than the next. We are ALL human but with different personalities. The name of the song is Paralyzed by NF.

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Victim Of Abuse.

When you hear the words “abuse” and “victim,” you automatically connect it with getting physical.

You immediately see a picture of someone with bruises all over their face and body, with scars, open wounds, and blood all over them.

Well, I’m different and there are many just like me. When you see me, you won’t see marks or any other visible signs of abuse.

However, I was still a victim. Even though my scars are not visible, they still exist.

My wounds and bruises are hidden under my skin. They’re all over my heart and soul. I’m bleeding internally and that doesn’t make it any less painful.

For the first time ever, I’m able to say this painful sentence out loud: I’m a victim of abuse.

My ex never actually raised his hand to me, he was never physically violent, but he emotionally abused me and that doesn’t make my suffering any less important.

Even though I’m not trying to devalue anyone’s suffering, there is this trick with emotional and mental violence all abusers are perfectly aware of: People will rarely see you as a real victim until they see physical evidence of all you’ve been through.

Moreover, it will take you a long time before you, yourself acknowledge your abuse. Trust me, I’ve been there.

The first time my ex started insulting me and calling me names, he was also simultaneously convincing me that neither of these things was a big deal. It’s not abuse until he hits you, right?

With time, I started believing him. I thought I was overreacting and exaggerating.

When he began gaslighting me, I started questioning my own sanity instead of seeing this man for the hidden beast he actually was.

I thought I was imagining things and he made me think that I was the one misinterpreting everything, instead of seeing that he was actually successfully playing with my mind all along.

When he started putting me down, I didn’t see it as his attempt to reduce my worth. When he assured me that I was good for nothing, I believed him and adopted the idea that I wasn’t enough.

Nobody saw me as a victim and it took me years to acknowledge my abuse. After all, it’s not abuse until he hits you, right?

I know what you must be thinking right now. You may not say it out loud, but you can’t help but wonder why I didn’t just walk away.

No, I wasn’t financially dependent on him and we didn’t have kids. In fact, the truth is that I had somewhere to go.

However, he did make me emotionally dependent on our relationship. He did cause me to crave his approval and convince me that I was unlovable.

He did emotionally blackmail me into staying with him. He did convince me that I was completely incompetent and incapable of going through life without his guidance.

Besides, every time I tried to leave or dared accusing him of being an abuser, I was told I was looking for too much.

Even when I tried confiding in my closest ones, they didn’t see the real picture.

In fact, everyone implied that I was too sensitive. Instead of advising him to change his behavior, I was told to toughen up and grow up.

Nobody saw me as a victim and it took me years to acknowledge my abuse.

Years for me to see that I wasn’t overly emotional, that I wasn’t the one causing all of this mess because I take everything too personally.

It took me years to finally realize that I was involved with a narcissist who was ruining my life and mental health.

Years before I saw that I wasn’t weak for feeling like a victim because – guess what – I’d been a victim all along.

You see, actually abandoning your abuser is in fact the easiest step. The hardest part is seeing the reality and finding the strength to face your awful truth.

And for the rest of the world? Well, I can just say that I don’t give a damn about what anyone might think.

No, I’m not looking for people’s sympathy. I don’t want them to perceive me as a victim because I’m much more than that. I don’t expect anyone’s approval anymore.

After all, nobody has walked a mile in my shoes and nobody except me has fought my demons.

However, I do hope that one day, the hell I went through will be acknowledged. 

I hope that this pain will stop being downplayed, and that emotional abuse will finally be classified for what it really is.

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All Or Out. Not In-between.

Love isn’t just good days. Love isn’t just anniversaries and gifts. Love is everything in between.

Whoever imagines a flawless, laughter-filled relationship with cutesy couple stuff, they’re about to be disappointed.

I’m not saying that relationships are disappointing. I’m saying that people often have high expectations and weak effort.

Everything is way easier when you imagine situations and scenarios in your head. However, reality is a different story.

Strong love requires strong foundations and it isn’t found – it’s made. Love like that doesn’t childishly ignore problems, but says let’s fix this.

I want to fix what’s broken over and over again and glue it with gold. A struggle means a better foundation.

I want to make a mistake and then never make the same one again because I know better. I want to give a damn.

How many times have you rolled your eyes after something your significant other said or did because of objectively insignificant things?

Start with that and then slowly progress towards more complex problems, because that’s what relationships of any kind have – problems.

Now, what I want for myself isn’t a relationship without problems, but one with endurance and character. A relationship that doesn’t depend on anyone else but the two of us.

I don’t want to doubt my partner; I want to trust him completely.

I want to be in one of those marriages where they have been married for 20 years and are still so in love with each other, taking care of each other, and lifting each other up.

I want the father of my children to be my best friend and someone I can count on – one who’s going to constantly invest in our relationship and have the same goals as me.

I want to be immersed in my partner completely – and that includes through good times and the bad – the times when we’re full of love and happiness, and the days when I feel broken and mad.

I want to fight for love and not give up when it comes to the first little obstacle. I want passion and romance, 3 AM conversations, and feeling the love at all times – even when we fight.

I know I have the capacity to love BIG and I don’t want to pretend like that’s not something to be proud of.

I’m a ride or die, and that’s why I need to know you’re the one before I give all of myself to you.

I’m tired of almost relationships, fake relationships, and immature men – people who don’t understand me, who misunderstand my words, and who blame me for things I never did.

I need to know you’re not afraid to be vulnerable. They say men shouldn’t be vulnerable, but I disagree. A man who can address his feelings is a man who’s always in control of himself.

I need to see your actions speak louder than words. I don’t want to beg for things or constantly have to explain myself.

I need you to be proud of me and accept me as I am. A man who won’t wave his hand at me when I bring up things that interest me.

I need to know that you have the capacity to love as big as me, because that’s what I love about myself.

I love being in love with love, and wanting things to work and be the best they can be.

I don’t want halfway love. I want it whole, because I’m deserving of a whole, real love.

My work and effort deserve to be recognized. It’s crazy I ever believed I was anything less than good enough just because other people didn’t care as much as me.

I am good enough and the love I’m giving is always more than good enough. My love is refusing to give up on you, no matter what.

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Feeling Like A Burden Is The Worst Part Of Anxiety.

Having anxiety is like constantly having someone whispering thoughts into your ear. Intrusive thoughts.

They come out of nowhere and repeat themselves again and again.

You can’t do it. That’s too hard for you. Stop, you’ll just complicate things. They’re looking at you. Maybe you shouldn’t have done that. Why didn’t you do it?

It goes on and on. With anxiety, every part of your life becomes a struggle. Everything is a potential trigger.

Talking to cashiers, answering the phone, ordering food, paying the bills, small talk, going to work, bumping into people from your past and don’t let me even start on crippling 3 AM thoughts about that one time when you embarrassed yourself in fifth grade.

Every single thing takes so much time to do because you need to rewind and fast forward all of the possible scenarios in your head before you do anything… and then you worry about wasting your time.

It’s simply exhausting. It never stops. You feel like an outdated, overworked engine; using energy but for what?

At the end of the day, you’re exhausted by seemingly doing nothing. That’s where the guilt kicks in.

Anxiety makes you feel abnormal. Living with anxiety is like going through life doing everything everyone else does but for you, it’s ten times harder and you don’t know why.

Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? There must be something wrong with you.  You’re such a difficult person.

Maybe you should go and talk to someone about it? Or rather not, as they’ll think you’re just making a scene over nothing. Does this train of thought sound familiar?

Little by little, you distance yourself, start canceling events and making excuses and you end up alone in the little bubble your anxiety has created for you.

A lack of understanding, loneliness, a sudden feeling of being unlovable and forever broken all start to overwhelm you.

You feel like a burden to everyone around you… and you barely talk to them about your problems. This is where the self-hate kicks in.

For that reason, I’m writing this to tell you: Your mind is blatantly lying to you.

You are not unlovable; in fact, underneath your think-twice-before-you-speak, procrastination because of fear, letting others finish their sentences and never saying yours is an extremely lovable and very observant person.

A person who feels and notices everything; someone who is sensitive and attentive to other people’s states of mind and feelings.

Besides that, you’re very aware of yourself, introspective and living in an environment that makes you (and most other people) overstimulated.

Your mind is under pressure almost all the time and since it’s not an on/off thing, you can’t just stop feeling altogether.

What you can do is start making an effort to choose which things are worthy of your attention and your energy. Start being more selective.

Give yourself permission to slow down, relax and take things more lightly.

It’s easy to forget that life shouldn’t be so serious all the time. Try exploring your priorities and making some sort of list that’s going to remind you to be more mindful of the energy you spend on certain things or people.

Having anxiety isn’t something you’re sentenced to. You can prevent it from taking over you and for that, you need will, effort and trust in yourself—all things available.

It’s not going to be easy, but it is one hundred percent possible. Awaken your fighter spirit and fight your lying mind.

Instead of controlling your thoughts, stop them from controlling you. Let them go. Let them go and continue on your way.

Thoughts are temporary and they don’t make you. You make you.

Be gentle with yourself and thank yourself for being strong.  Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say: You’re enough.

Don’t let irrational fears kill the beautiful in you because the beauty in you is what makes the real you.

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It’s Not You, It’s Me.

It’s not you, it’s me—the biggest lie ever!

Does it ring any bells?

I bet all of you have had an awkward situation like this.

You think everything is okay. You think you have found your soulmate who is a caring and loving person.

Until he comes one evening and says: “We need to talk”.

Then, he pops up those 5 nasty words: “It’s not you, it’s me”, wearing that puppy-eyed look.

You start to feel a roller coaster of emotions overwhelming you and you start to cry.

But after he says that, he thinks everything will be okay. Yes, it will be okay if I am a fucking retard!

But with my common sense, I can’t accept the fact you are leading me on.

Why are you such a coward?

Why don’t you stand in front of me and have your heart on your sleeve?

Tell me if you are not attracted to me anymore. Tell me if I gained some weight and you don’t consider me hot anymore.

Whatever the reason is just tell me, okay?

Because I won’t buy that cliché that it’s all about you.

The relationship is made of two people (3, 4, 5…as you like it) and the point is, that each and every person has something to do with the breakup.

It’s not as simple as you think. Just pump your brakes and think about your partner for a second.

He or she would like to know where the problem was. For days to come. For partners to fall in love with.

So, just be honest. That’s the least you can do for the person you shared everything with.

You should bear in mind that everything will be revealed eventually.

Every lie, every secret.

Everything will be revealed and you can’t do anything to make it stop.

That’s the way that cookie crumbles.

So, my dear, if you don’t love me anymore just say so.

I am strong enough, and I know I can handle the truth. We were just not meant to be and that’s okay with me.

I know it was difficult to live with a girl who wanted all or nothing. And I know you were fighting badly to keep us alive.

Unfortunately, our hearts stopped beating for each other.

And the game is over now.

So go ahead, find a new love, a new sky to live under and forget about the one who didn’t know how to keep you close.

And me….I will get over it, with a strong drink and a cigarette. I will cry my heart out and start again.

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Thank You For Pulling Me Out Of The Darkness.

To the person who saved me from the dark: thank you.

Before I met you, I was messed up, depressed with nothing left to live for. I was hiding in the corner of my room, afraid to be seen or heard.

Emotionally, I was hiding in the corner of my mind afraid to be ‘touched’. I was a prisoner of my own toxic thoughts.

Each time I tried to escape that prison of mine, something pulled me back even deeper—something that reminded me how fragile and incapable of living I was.

I was helpless.

I was a spectacle of dust carried by the wind with no control over my life. I was a puppet in a theater waiting to play the role someone gave me.

The sun was shining, but in my life, it was always dark and cold until the day I met you.

So, thank you.

Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being there for me through thick and thin.

No one asked you to pick up my broken pieces and put them back together, but you did it anyway.

No one asked you to deal with my fears and frustrations, but you did it anyway.

Only you had the ‘Hercules strength’ to pull me out from the darkest corners of my mind. Only you had the power to make me believe I am my own worst enemy. You made me understand that it all began and grows inside of me.

You told me I am the one in charge of my life. You are the one who told me my thoughts cannot control me because I’m controlling them.

You were my friend when I needed one the most.

Thank you for being my lover. You are the first person I have ever blindly and entirely trusted.

Not only that you gave me shelter with your friendly embrace, but you also released me from my dark and dull prison with your love. You are the one who had the key of my cell.

You took my hand and we stepped into the light. I stepped into the light. Do you know how hard it is to accept light after all those years of darkness?

Of course, you do.

Thank you for keeping on loving me until my ‘eyes’ got used to the light. That was a dark period for you. I’m sorry my light brought you to darkness. I know you only made it through so you could save me.

Thank you for releasing me from my prison.

Thank you for teaching me how to love.

Thank you for returning my faith in people.

Thank you for being the one I love.

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Toughest Lessons, Push You Towards Greatest Blessings.

I won’t lie to you: nobody’s life is all roses and butterflies. Yes, there are some people who pretend that they have it all figured out and their every day is perfect, but that is nothing more than deception. 

In fact, the truth is that we all have bad moments, days, weeks, months, or even years. We all go through some things we would rather not experience, if we had the option.

The truth is that we all have our share of sadness. We have our battles nobody knows about, our failures we hide from the rest of the world (including ourselves), and our defeats we would love to forget. 

The worst part is that sometimes, life isn’t fair, whether we like to accept it or not. 

Sometimes, you do everything by the book, you’re extra careful about other people’s feelings, and you make sure that you don’t hurt anyone, but you simply don’t get the same treatment in return. 

As hard as you try to be the good guy, there are moments where you go through some things you don’t deserve.

You experience a tough heartbreak caused by a man you gave all of your love to. You get fired from a job you made so many sacrifices for. 

That best friend you treated like the sister you never had stabs you in the back when you least expect it.

You can’t seem to make ends meet when it comes to money, even though you’ve been working hard ever since you can remember, while it seems that other people’s cash is falling from the sky without them ever doing anything to earn it.

When you look at things from this point of view, you can’t help but see yourself as cursed.

It’s like you are some kind of a magnet for all the misfortune that exists in this world, even though you don’t deserve it.

You can’t see the point of life. Where is the justice and why do bad things have to keep on happening to good people?

Well, let me reveal to you a little secret: Everything you’re going through now, will at one point serve as a lesson.

You don’t have to see it at the moment, but eventually, when time passes, you’ll notice that each one of your experiences, including the bad ones, taught you something.

You will learn that all of your pain, sadness, and heartbreaks happened for a reason. That they all shaped you into the person you’re today.

Most importantly, one day, you’ll realize that what you initially thought of as your worst curses, actually turn out to be your toughest, yet most valuable lessons.

At the end of the day, these lessons push you towards your greatest blessings. 

They teach you to be grateful for everything faith sends to you. To be thankful for all the people who cross your path, even when their intention is to hurt you. 

These lessons shape you into a better, improved, and updated version of yourself. They build you into the woman you’ve been destined to become all along. 

All of your bad experiences make you wiser and smarter. Moreover, they make you stronger than you ever imagined yourself being. 

And that is the biggest blessing of them all: Becoming more powerful and having the strength and the capacity to get whatever you want from life.

Everything you went through will help you open your eyes. Your curses will teach you that you can live without all those people you thought you could never survive without.

It will help you take off your rose tinted glasses and see reality. It will make you realize that you’re way better off without all those toxic people in your life.

These curses will give you the most valuable lesson out there: Sometimes, when you think that you’ve lost someone or something, you’ve actually won a lot. 

After all, you can’t open your heart or your path to the ones who deserve you, until you get rid of those who don’t. 

Basically, you can’t have happiness until you go through sadness, and you can’t receive your blessings until you show that you have what it takes to truly understand your curses.

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I Should’ve Listened To My Heart.

You had me at “Hello”. To be precise, you had me as soon as our eyes locked. It was your eyes, your heavenly deep blue eyes that made me fall for you. 

It was also your smile, your charm, your perfect hair… Seriously, how could I resist you? How could anyone resist you?

Before I knew what was happening, the never-ending battle between my mind and my heart started.

I could almost hear my heart whispering that you were the one, while my brain was screaming how it was a bad idea, and that falling for you would be one terrible mistake.

It was all so intense. I knew what I had to do, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t ignore my feelings. I finally understood the power of love at first sight.

Unfortunately for me, my heart was winning. I chose to listen to my heart and I muted my mind. My heart was already doomed. It was set to be broken right from the start.

I understand that there is a good reason why we should listen to our minds over our hearts. It’s there to protect our hearts. 

I wish that I had learned that sooner. It would’ve saved me all this pain. But at least I know it now and I’ve promised myself I’ll never make such a bad choice again.

I still don’t know what the deal with you was. From that first glance until it was all over I was under your spell. I forgot all about what I wanted and who I was and I focused solely on you.

I went against my better judgment and ignored all the red flags. I was hooked on you and there was nothing I could do about it.

Really, what’s the deal with good girls and bad boys? Okay, I get that opposites attract, but why do we fall for bad boys so often?

You were so unpredictable, I never knew what you were going to do next. Every day with you was a new adventure. You gave me an adrenaline rush every single day.

You were so exciting and different from all the other men in my life. Trying to keep up with you was fun at the beginning. 

But then I realized that I need something else. Someone more serious. Someone who knows what he wants from life and who isn’t afraid to settle down one day.

Someone the complete opposite of you. I knew you liked who you were, and that you wouldn’t change. That’s why I never asked you to. It would have been wrong.

I could never control you and it made me want you even more. You always did everything the way you wanted to. You were the true alpha male.

I admit it, you were my biggest mistake. But, you’re also my most beautiful and favorite mistake. I felt so alive when I was with you and you’re definitely someone I’ll never forget.

I think you cared for me, too – more than you would ever admit. You are too afraid of commitment, though, and too used to your bad boy ways to do anything about it.

Our breakup is killing me right now, but I have to be honest and say that you’ve changed my life. You taught me that I have to appreciate life more. I’ll forever be thankful for that.

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When Anxiety Makes It Impossible To Focus.

When your anxiety makes it hard to focus, you aren’t able to accomplish as much as you would like in a single day. And that can cause even more anxiety. It can create a vicious cycle where you want to get things done and end up mad at yourself because as hard as you try, you aren’t able to get things done. You aren’t able to keep your mind focused. You aren’t able to concentrate on the right thing. All of your attention is being dragged in a different direction. Your focus is placed on something else, something you wish you could stop thinking about but is eating away at you, consuming you.

When your anxiety makes it hard to focus, it’s difficult to explain your issue to anyone else because they will act like it isn’t a big deal. They’ll simply tell you not to worry about it, to take your mind off it, but it’s not that easy for you. You can’t just turn your thoughts off like a light switch. You can’t just forget about the main thing that has been on your mind. It doesn’t matter that you know you shouldn’t be thinking about this specific problem right now. It doesn’t matter that you know you have all of these other things you should be thinking about instead. You can’t control your brain. You don’t have the power to make yourself stop caring. You’ll always care, whether you want to or not.

When your anxiety makes it hard to focus, the easiest thing to do is procrastinate. To give up. To say you’ll do it tomorrow when your mind isn’t as panicked. And sometimes, that’s the right move. Sometimes, you should give yourself a break until you feel better again. But life doesn’t always wait. Sometimes, you’re going to have to get shit done anyway. You’re going to have to push yourself. You’re going to have to prove yourself wrong. You can do this. You do have what it takes. You aren’t going to let yourself down.

When you have anxiety, you might think the worst of yourself, but the funny thing is, that you prove you are capable each and every day. You’re always surprising yourself. You’re always doing things you never thought you could.

When your anxiety makes it hard to focus, you might have moments when you feel like you are a lost cause. Like you’re never going to do anything right. Like your brain is programmed to fail you. But that is not true. Your anxiety isn’t going to stop you from succeeding. Your anxiety isn’t going to stop you from living a beautiful life. Right now, you might have a little trouble concentrating, but you’re going to get past this moment. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to accomplish whatever it is you need to accomplish — and you’re going to accomplish a million more things after that.

But for now, take it one step at a time. Breathe. Go easy on yourself. Don’t rush yourself. Believe in yourself.

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I’m Trying My Best Not To Break Down.

I might break down every once in a while, but that doesn’t mean I’m not trying. 

I’m putting in effort every single day. I’m staying hopeful. I’m staying as positive as my mind allows.

I might burst into tears at times, I might have trouble getting through the night, but I’m always going to pull myself back together again. I’m always going to continue forward. I’m not going to let my fear slow me down.

I’m mature enough to realize releasing my emotions isn’t a sign of weakness. Bottling up those emotions would be much worse. It would make my pain linger. It would breed resentment. It would make me even more miserable in the long-run.

I would much rather be open with myself about my feelings. I would rather be in touch with my emotions. I would rather feel deeply, than pretend I don’t feel anything at all.

I might break down when I give myself too much time to think, to worry, to wonder, but that doesn’t make me any less independent. It doesn’t make me any less strong. I’m allowed to have moments where I feel like I’m losing control. I’m allowed to have doubts about my past, my present, and my future. I’m allowed to fall apart sometimes.

I’m never going to be embarrassed about my low points. I’m never going to feel ashamed about my whirlwind emotions. I’m never going to act like there’s something wrong with me for feeling this much because my emotions are valid.

I’m allowed to sob. I’m allowed to complain. I’m allowed to feel sorry for myself.

But I will never allow those feelings to linger for too long. I will find a way to push past them. I will find a way to raise my hopes again. I will find a way to survive.

Even though there might be times when my heart drops, when my tears fall, when my expectations plummet, I’m doing the best I possibly can at the moment. I’m putting in as much effort as humanly possible. I’m working my ass off to better myself. I’m putting in the work. I haven’t given up faith in myself. I haven’t lost belief in my abilities.

Yes, there are times when it feels like the world is crashing down around me, when it feels like my effort has been getting me nowhere, but I’m confident I’m going to get through this negativity.

I know I’ve been in plenty of rough spots before and have made it out okay. I know I’ve been through worse and survived. I’m going to survive this, too. I’m going to survive every breakdown. Survive every question. Survive every doubt.

My breakdowns might make it impossible to get anything done today, but they aren’t going to hold me back tomorrow or the next day. I’m going to put them behind me. I’m going to keep going even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard.

There might be more moments when I break down right around the corner, but that’s okay. I’m not giving up on myself. I’m not going to stop trying. I’m not going to quit. 

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Busy Catching Blessings, No Time To Hold Grudges.

They say that you attract what you think, which basically means you’re responsible for the things that happen to you.

Well, I disagree. I say that you can’t control your surroundings.

You can’t control everything that’s happening to and going on around you. As much as you try, bad things will happen.

You can be the most careful person in the world, but toxic people will sneak up on you.

They will find a way to lure you into their spider’s web.

You can protect your heart with all of your might but somehow, it will get broken into pieces.

No matter how loving and caring you are, there will always be people who will use you.

People who will not treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and people who will break your heart.

Whether we accept it or not, life is not always fair. There are some things you simply can’t run away from.

However, even though you can’t control the world around you, you can control the way you react.

Even though you can’t control people’s behavior, you have the power to control yourself.

So, at the end of the day, everything really is up to you.

You can decide whether to let one bad thing ruin your entire life, whether one toxic person will ruin all of your potential relationships, and whether one negative thing will destroy all the positivity.

Will you be sad because of your failed relationship?

Or you will be happy that you got rid of the man who obviously wasn’t meant to be yours?

Will you see your heartbreaks as the end of the world? Or will you be grateful for the lessons it taught you?

Will you be devastated for not getting that promotion you wanted so badly?

Or will you be thankful for having a job that puts food on the table, which is a privilege many only dream about?

Let’s look at things from this perspective: if you had 1440 dollars but someone took away one dollar, would you throw away the rest? I’m sure you wouldn’t even contemplate it.

Well, one day has 1440 minutes. Therefore, every time you allow one minute of sadness and negativity to ruin your entire day, you’re actually doing the thing mentioned above.

You’re wasting the rest of your minutes. And, I’m sure you’ll agree that time is much more valuable than money.

So, I’m begging you to change your focus.

Stop overthinking everything bad going on around you, and concentrate on the good things.

Don’t allow a moment of sadness to destroy your happiness. Don’t allow one tear to ruin all of your potential laughter and smiles.

Instead of focusing on your curses, focus on your blessings.

Be thankful for all the good things and positive people you have in your life, instead of wasting your energy on the negative.

Most importantly: forget about the past. Yes, you can and should learn from it, but you can’t change it.

There is absolutely no point in holding grudges. There is no point in replaying some previous scenarios in your head.

No point in thinking about all the what ifs. No point in being angry and resentful about some events that went the way they did.

The truth is, that you can’t do anything about it now – besides allowing your past to ruin both your present and the future.

Look around you: I bet there are many things you should be grateful for.

There are many people you should consider yourself lucky to have in your life.

Focus on these things. Focus on your blessings and the little things which can make you happy.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to minimize whatever pain you might be feeling.

I’m not trying to tell you that you’re not allowed to be angry or sad.

I’m just trying to remind you that there are people out there who would love to have your bad days.

People who are struggling in battles you can’t even imagine, and who would give everything to have your worries and hardships.

https://yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
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I Am Stronger Than My Insecurities.

I know it’s cliche, but there is power in self-acceptance. In being able to look in the mirror and accept yourself for who you are.

Self-acceptance is about accepting your life for what it is, not for what you want it to be.

But it isn’t easy. Nothing worth working for is ever easy, right?

It’s easy to say “I love myself,” but at the end of the day, these are just words. It takes strength and determination to truly believe it and to be confident in spite of insecurities.

By having strength to love ourselves, flaws and all, we give ourselves the power of self-acceptance.

Everyone struggles with insecurities. Some more than others, but no one is 100% confident ALL the time. Understanding the root causes of insecurity can be helpful in figuring out how to deal with insecurities. Knowing how to deal with it is the first step to overcoming them.

I love myself, but there are days I don’t.

When I wish that I looked different or had better fashion sense, whatever that even means. When I wish I was more outgoing, or that I could actually flirt to save my life. Sometimes, I wish I was anyone other than who I am.

When these feelings creep into my mind, I have to remind myself that I am stronger than my insecurities. That what I consider to be my “quirks” are actually my biggest strengths. My looks, my personality, make me undeniably who I am. And I don’t have to be ashamed of that. I don’t have to be ashamed of who I am.

No one deserves to feel less than for simply being who they are.

We are all unique. Isn’t that amazing? Sure, we all share similarities, but at our core, there is no one else on this Earth quite like us. And when I think about that—like really, truly think about that—it’s actually really, really cool.

Growing up, I wasn’t very confident. I felt different and awkward and out of place. The funny thing is, what I didn’t realize then, is that everyone else felt the same way.

Everyone has their own battle to overcome and find self-acceptance. For some people, it’s easy. For others, it’s extremely difficult.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to look in the mirror and say that though I have my share of insecurities, I am confident, strong, and I love myself for who I am.

There is a power in being able to say that. In having strength to just live life unapologetically. To be able to say I AM ME and not worry about what others think.

I’ll be honest, it’s a daily battle. But for most people it is. Figuring out who I am and what I want out of life has helped me accept and love myself, but there’s no magic solution. It just takes time.

I’m confident, but not all the time.

I’m beautiful, but I don’t always feel that way.

I’m moving toward my dreams and goals as I try to figure this crazy life out, but sometimes it feels like I’m not going anywhere at all.

And that’s life. Some days are better than others. It’s a journey.

Life is like a novel, not a short story.

Characters take time to develop. Themes aren’t always clear until a few chapters in. I’m not even entirely sure where this plot is heading.

I’m still early on in my journey. I’m still finding my way.

But I’ve learned that’s okay.

Because everyone else is finding their way, too.

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Nothing Compares To You.

Let go of whatever and whoever hurt you. Choose to heal, choose to recover, choose happiness. You are NOT defined by the failures of your past, the people that hurt you, or the mistakes that you’ve made. You are not defined by the missed opportunities that you gave up because you were anxiously waiting for something better to arrive, that never did. You are not defined by your imperfections, insecurities, and inadequacies; they are what make you who you are, and darling, nothing compares to you.

You are more than just the continuously contemptuous demons inside your head screaming for a way out; you are more than just the insolent internal hurricanes of your self-collapsing mind and the emptiness inside your tender soul ceaselessly craving for something “more”.

You ARE allowed to feel lost, broken, and apprehensive. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to feel sad and not understand why, but you do not have to sit with your damage and make a home out of it.

Do not forget the person that you were, as it is because of those inconspicuous versions of yourself that you have grown into the resilient, daring warrior that you are today. Remember the things that once made you crave so deeply for the briefest taste, yet stung with irremediable sharp pain when you got too close.

Remember your young, naïve heart and how it felt to dive head first into the waters of the unknown to love so deeply and live so avidly without limitations. Remember each and every version of yourself that you used to be and remind yourself that without all of your faults, setbacks, and failures, you’d never be half the person that you are today.

Your past does not define your future, your scars do not determine your worth, your failures do not border your undying potential—they make you dauntless and undeniably sagacious.

You are not a tormenting weed amongst perpetual beauty, you are a winter wildflower waiting patiently to blossom when the sun reaches your roots and proclaims your time to flourish. Eclipse your hindrances, unshackle the chains of your reservations, and set free your fearlessness.

Be you—unfiltered, raw, and vulnerable.

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Tired Heart.

You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to be weak at times when you have to. You are human and you are flawed, and no one expects you to be full of bright positivity all the time. Maybe things would get worse, perhaps even heavier. But I know for a fact that all these will pass, and soon, you’ll wake up and realize your heart is strong enough to wither through its darkest nights.

I know the urge of ripping yourself apart is too strong, because the world gets too much to breathe in. The ones whom you could run to is never there for you in the ways that you need them, and the ones you used to trust have shattered all those bridges. Darling, these are some of the things that we simply can’t control in life, and whatever they did to you, is not your fault. It is tiring, so very tiring, to not have anyone be there for you the way you were for them. Sometimes, people can be disappointing.

But there are some things that won’t let us down – your favorite song, the skies, the words you write. That cup of coffee in the morning, a hug from your pet, that music from your playlist . These are things that can make our days, no matter how little they seem, somehow bearable. And that’s okay, darling. It’s a lot better than blatantly talking to a wall and expecting a pair of arms to fall into in return. You get to choose how to heal and you get to choose what heals you.

So wipe your cheeks and hug yourself. Breathe. Today is simply a day. It will never pass through you again. Once you curl yourself up to sleep and wake for dawn, you can take comfort in the fact that you’ve survived your storms for now.

Darling, I know your heart is tired. But that’s okay.

Today is just another day.

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Thing I Know Now, I Wish I Knew Then…At 16.

Dear 16-year-old me,

I’ve grown up a lot in these past few years and boy, have I learned a lot in that time. I’ve changed so much. I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I’ve cried. I’ve partied. There’s been incredible times and there’s been times when I didn’t know if I’d make it through the day. I know so much about life and about myself now, that I didn’t know then, so I’m writing to you to tell you everything I wish you knew.

1. Don’t live to work, work to live

You will spend so many hours worrying about work. About what you’re going to do—where you’re going to end up. You’ll put endless pressure on yourself to achieve and to make people proud, but in the meantime, you’ll forget to focus on things that truly make you happy.

You’re supposed to work to live—earning money to supplement a life that makes you happy. Never get in the cycle of living to work, unless your work is what truly brings you joy. You can have all the money in the world but if you’re not happy, you have nothing.

2. It’s ok to grow apart from your friends

There will be friends you have right now who you can’t ever imagine not being in your life. Sadly, you’ll grow apart from some of them. Some will change, some will have different priorities than you and some you’ll just drift apart from.

Don’t waste your time getting upset over this because it’s just a part of life. Some people don’t grow up to be who you wanted them to be and that’s fine. People grow apart; it’s sad, but it happens.

For every friend who walks out of your life, you’ll gain another incredible one at a different stage—I promise.

3. You don’t need validation from anyone but yourself

When all’s said and done, the only person you’ll have left is you.

The only person who truly needs to validate you is you. Don’t listen to fuckboys who will bring you down. Don’t listen to bitchy girls who are jealous and ignore anyone who doesn’t want the best for you.

If you’re happy, then that’s really all that matters. Pleasing you should be your number one priority.

4. It’s normal to be a little lost

There are times where you’ll feel so lost and alone with absolutely no idea where your life is headed. It will be scary and it will be hard—but here’s the secret: Absolutely everyone is lost!

You won’t realize it just yet, but everyone is in the same boat as you are, and that’s ok. Things will always work out in the end, and being lost is part of the journey.

If you don’t know what career path you want to take, what boy you like or where you see yourself next week—let alone in the next 5 years—it’s cool, you’ll work it out.

5. You’re perfect just as you are

The hours you’ll spend crying over boys hurts me to think about to this day. Thinking you’re not good enough is the worst thing you will go through, and you are—you so are good enough. You’ll do crazy fad diets trying to lose a few pounds and juice cleanses to clear your skin, and spend nights out worrying about how you look.

You are perfect and you are so loved—I promise you. The sooner you start to realize you’re amazing just as you are, the happier you will be.

You’re going to have some tough times ahead, but so many wonderful times, too. You’ll be blessed with incredible memories, and you’ll grow into someone that I think you’ll be really proud of.

Stay strong, be true to yourself, and don’t EVER Forget. Your. Worth.

www.yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
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Why Do Men Love Bitches?

Alright y’all, I’m about to change things up just a tiny bit on something. We all always say that guys fall for the girl next door, right? WELL..thats not the case here…keep reading!!

I’m sorry, but I have to be explicit here. First of all, I’m not saying ALL men like bitches, but there are a few types of men that prefer them.

It seems that being a good girl doesn’t pay off sometimes. Despite having good qualities, you’re still single. Perhaps that’s because some men go after bitches instead of nice girls.

Here are some reasons why men really like bitches, so keep reading.

They love their vibe.

Whenever an Alpha Bitch enters the room, the atmosphere gets hot. Everyone notices her presence and they try to soak up her energy.

Maybe she doesn’t look like Miss World, but there is something inexplicably attractive about her. She holds her head high and her every move is sexy. Men like that, and they will immediately try to catch her attention.

Guess what? The more she acts uninterested, the more they want her.

Nice girls are not a challenge.

Sometimes “easy” means “boring”. Men are hunters, that’s in their nature. They are competitive beings, and if you tell them they can’t have something, they will not quit.

Nice girls seem to be boring because guys don’t have to make any effort to winning these girls’ hearts. Bitches have a “Hard to Get” factor, and most men are players who will not give up until they win the prize.

Nice girls will always be there for them, but bitches, won’t. Hell no, because bitches are too busy with satisfying their own needs.

They want sex, not relationships.

They get the impression that nice girls are marriage material ONLY. But, they just want to have sex, and that’s it—no strings attached, no tears, no drama!

Nice girls usually want something more than sex and physical intimacy. They want stability and real relationships filled with love and romance. Well, some men are running away from all of that.

The only thing they want is satisfying their sexual appetite, and they are more likely to get it from women who have similar thinking. Period.

Bitches are more exciting.

Some men are addicted to excitement. There is no room for boredom in their lives, and they look for someone who can keep up with their crazy lifestyle.

Men are attracted to bitches because they are independent and free-spirited. These man-eaters don’t ask for anyone’s approval; They just do whatever they want, and that’s something which makes them so exciting.

You never know their next step; they are so unpredictable. That certainly leaves men hungry for more.

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I Loved Drugs More Than You.

My boyfriend was the one who was keeping me alive when I didn’t give a damn about my life.

Trying all possible and impossible tricks to win me over again.

To actually stay with me.

I remember him texting me and calling me thousands of times. Because he thought I would come if he says we have an emergency.

But no. He didn’t get an answer to any call or any message. Something else was more important than him.

I chose to live a life like this. I chose drugs over him.

And he was stupid enough to put up with all that crap I did to him.

He stopped thinking about himself. He stopped taking care of himself. The only thing he was thinking of, was me.

But I didn’t know I should cherish that.

My top priority was drugs and my next fix. I just wanted to feel high again no matter what he would say about that.

He hated the new me. He hated the woman I transformed into.

I wasn’t the same woman he once fell in love with.

I want her back, can you hear me?
I couldn’t see how desperate he was because I ruined everything we built so far? He doesn’t want to give up that easy. He is a fighter; I should have known that by now.

He still can’t understand how I could say that I love him and then vanish for days.

While I was crying in front of the mirror, watching the mix of mascara and my tears, I was high. And that was the best feeling ever for me.

It took him some time to actually see that I will always love drugs more than him.

And unfortunately, he couldn’t do anything about that.
He hated me, but he loved me at the same time.

Every time when I would come home, he wanted to slap me so hard but instead of that, he hugged me, telling me everything will be okay.

I was such a good actor. I deceived him so many times. But after all those years of agony, he realized no matter how much he fought for me, he couldn’t help me if I was pushing him away.

And that is what I did. I pushed away all those nice moments spent together. I didn’t give a damn about him anymore. And anything he did will not convince me of the opposite.

He couldn’t sit there any longer watching me ruin my life. And even this is breaking his heart. He had to leave me.

Maybe I will realize that I am alone when I come back to an empty home.

Maybe I will actually think about my life. And maybe I will give myself another shot.

‘Cause baby, he knows he won’t, he said!!

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This Is What Love Should Never Be Like…

It happens at times that you confuse the biggest mistake of your life for your forever person.

You lay all your hopes and dreams on him just so he could walk all over them.

You couldn’t imagine your life without him in it. However, he had other plans.

He took as much as he could from you and went on his way, leaving you crushed.

And how wouldn’t you be when you gave your best to someone who wasn’t worth it, to someone who didn’t deserve you?

But what if being severely broken is the best thing that could have happened to you?

Maybe you would never have moved from a shitty relationship if you weren’t forced out of it.

Sometimes, we get so stubborn, so persistent in holding onto something we believe is love, that it only hurts us even more in the end.

Maybe there was no other way. This was the push you needed to move from something that wasn’t meant for you.

Maybe you needed to be broken, so your pieces could be put together differently.

Maybe you needed to find yourself first, so someone right could find the real you.

What we don’t see is that our ex is there for a reason. He was the mistake you had to make, so you could learn something; so you could see what love should never be like.

Love shouldn’t be one-sided. It has to go both ways to be real. All the investments, feelings and efforts should flow between two people.

Love shouldn’t be begged for. The one who wants to be in your life will find the time—no matter how busy he is. Anything other than that, is an excuse.

Love shouldn’t be cold. It should keep you warm no matter the season. You should never be deprived of all the cuddles, hugs and kisses you desire.

Love shouldn’t be deaf to your problems. You should always have somebody who is there for you, who will at least listen even if he can’t help. You shouldn’t feel so alone in a relationship.

Love shouldn’t be torture. It shouldn’t make you cry more often than it makes you smile. It shouldn’t be violent in a physical or emotional way.

Love should hold you tight enough that you feel like you belong to another human being, but you are nevertheless free. You are free to be yourself.

Be grateful for the mistake of your life. It prepared you for what’s yet to come. It prepared you for the real deal. It prepared you for the love of your life.

Your mistake enabled you to recognize “the one” when he comes. And you will recognize him—there is no doubt about it.

Your eyes will sparkle because he just remembered to send a simple text that will make your whole day better.

When he is overwhelmed with work or life, he will take a minute to call you because you are on his mind no matter what.

You will feel that inner peace you searched for so long because you will finally be with someone who cares for you as much as you do for him.

The connection and the chemistry you will share, will be magnetic. It will pull you closer and closer together.

It will be easy to make plans and spend time together because he will want to see you as much as you want to see him.

All will be reciprocated, and you will feel like you are floating on cloud nine. At the same time, that love will keep you grounded. It will make you feel safe.

It will make you feel like you finally found your home, and you will have no doubt about it. For the first time in your life, you will be sure.

All of that will be thanks to the mistake of your life, the one who drained you emotionally, abandoned you and broke you completely.

Your mistake made you pick up those pieces and assemble them in your own unique, beautiful and stronger style—a style that only the love of your life will recognize and cherish for eternity.

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Live For Right Now.

Once we become full-fledged adults, life goes fast and we become too caught up in the hustle and bustle to stop and appreciate life and all it has to offer. Before we know it, we’re 40- somethings that don’t understand how it all happened so fast. With that said, it’s hard to slow down our brains and be utterly and wholeheartedly present. Why is it so hard to let go on the past, while we also worry too much about the future? It seems silly really, because the only thing we can control at this moment is the present. Somehow, living in the present deems to be more difficult when really, it’s easier than we all think. The point is, is that living our lives right here, right now, is a hard thing to achieve if we’re too busy looking behind us or too many steps ahead.

Ask yourself: why do we often live in the past, reminding ourselves of our regrets and our actions we wish we could change, when we can better ourselves and move on right here, right now? Why crave the future and for what’s to come when we need to get through today to even get there? Life is weird, and this is just one of those moments that all of us have been suspect of at some point in our lives.

For example, looking back on a failed relationship and how it didn’t work out won’t help you move forward alone or with somebody else. Being too focused on things like that won’t let you live in the moment and will make you miss something good that passes you by. Our minds are a beautiful thing, but it can literally trick us into thinking things that simply aren’t true. Feeling hurt in a past relationship is normal, but when you consistently beat yourself up over it, it’s not good. One of the silver linings about this transition is that we can stop and figure out how to love ourselves again, before anyone else. It may sound like some foo foo bullshit, but it’s actually true.

Living in the past or the future won’t help anyone or anything. Now, that’s not to say that those thoughts will never fully go away because they were a part of our lives at some point. Focusing on one day at a time, learning, letting go and just living our lives is the key to everything. So enjoy those precious moments, love yourself and those around you, because it’s exactly what we all need.

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The Man Who Destroyed Me.

Dear “Asshole,”

First of all, I want to thank you for showing me what I didn’t deserve.

I didn’t deserve those nasty words you screamed at me and the spitting in my face that I got. This only made you feel more of a man and it destroyed me completely.

I didn’t deserve degradation and being called names. You made me feel like I was nothing, only so you could feel the power—the power you tasted when you made me helpless to do anything to save myself.

I didn’t deserve waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat because I had nightmares with you playing the starring role. You weren’t there by my side to see me in agony. You didn’t care what happened to me. The only thing you cared about was satisfying your needs and your selfishness.

I didn’t deserve all those anxiety attacks every time I thought or heard of you.
I didn’t deserve the lack of love I got from you and most of all, I didn’t deserve you cheating on me.

Now, what I have to say to you is thank you.

Thank you for making me realize YOU didn’t deserve ME!

Thank you for that night of horror when you beat me to an emotional death. Only then was I able to be born again. That night was the night you gave me the courage to finally leave you. I know that you thought that everything that you had been doing to me was right, but you were so wrong. You don’t treat the woman you love like shit. You don’t bring her to the edge. You don’t destroy her every wish to keep on living.

Instead, you kept her like the most valuable thing in your life. Because deep down, you know that she is a woman to love and that you were one lucky bastard to win her over. With a woman like that, you don’t play mind games nor do you do all those horrible things to her. You cherish her and you thank God every day that you have her in her life. But you didn’t do that, did you? You took advantage of her and you destroyed her life forever because even when she managed to get away from you, she wasn’t the same person anymore.

You killed that woman she used to be, and you nurtured a new one, perfect for you, just the way you liked it.

You swore that you loved her. Every time you did another horrible thing and she wanted to leave, you begged her to stay. You swore on your life that you loved her and that you wanted to help her. What a bunch of lies!

But still, there is something I cannot understand. How can a person like you dare to say ‘I love you’ to anyone? Those three words represent something you can’t comprehend. I don’t even know why you said that you loved me when you didn’t feel that. Maybe you wanted to deceive me and take advantage of me. Maybe deep down, you were a broken man who didn’t know how to love a woman, so you did all those nasty things to me. Maybe you really thought you were right, that you are doing the right thing. Maybe you are that much of a psychopath.

I was always wondering where your conscious lies. I was always wondering is it hard for you when you go to sleep? Are your mind and soul at ease? But I never got an answer to those questions. I’m not even sure you ever thought about it because everything you did to me seemed so natural to you.

You DIDN’T love me. You can’t love anyone. Maybe you just liked the idea of love, so you gave it a try and I was your ‘guinea pig’. But, let me tell you something. You failed and you failed hard.

Foolishly enough, I was the one who loved you truly but I shouldn’t have loved you at all. I was the one who was prepared to move mountains for you and all I was left with was a chunk of one of them that broke off and hit me. I was the only one trying and the only one fighting for what you called ‘eternal love’. And what did I get in the end? I got emotional scars that are never going to heal. I got memories that are never going to disappear.

I still hear the echo of your harsh words in my head. I feel them haunting me and making me shiver. I get cold for no reason and then I remember I was thinking of you. Back then, I started feeling numb every time you insulted me. I thought it was because I was getting used to it. Only now, when those words from the past haunt me, I realized I was bottling up those feelings to be able to survive. I locked what was left of me deep inside, in the hope I will find it one day soon. That was my defense mechanism, and now I know what kind of horror I survived because of you. Now that I’m far away from you, I’m finally aware of how lucky I am to be able to go on living.

I finally realize how lucky I am to be getting another chance—not just for love, but for life, too. Now I realize, how strong I am and this time, I promise myself I will never let anyone hurt me the way you did.

My behavior, everything that I did and what I was, was never good enough for you. To you, I was a piece of clay ready to be molded. Today, I realize I was already a masterpiece until you ruined me by trying to ‘improve’ me.

In the past, when I loved you, I thought you were the light at the end of my dark tunnel. But, you were the darkness holding me back. You were the shadow that was pulling me deeper in, every time I reached for the light to save myself. All this time you were the man who was holding me back to reach my goals and to make my dreams come true. And the saddest part was, that you wanted me to believe that you were helping me rise up, and all that time you were shoving me deeper into a vast nothing.

Even if I thought that you were the love of my life, you were actually my worst enemy. And truth be told, I still don’t understand how you could do that to the woman you were living with. How could you tell me that you loved me if you didn’t mean that? I guess you were that kind of a man who actually doesn’t give a damn what people think about him. And in this case, you didn’t care what I thought of you because if you had, you would have thought first before doing it but when we were together, you always acted and then thought. But, then it was too late for forgiveness.

A person can take just enough. When you think you’ve reached your limit, you’re not there yet. When you think that you can’t take it anymore, you’re not there yet. But, when you don’t care anymore, when it’s all the same if you live or die, when the days and nights look completely the same, that’s when you’ve had enough.

You made me believe in things that are not real. You bullied me into trusting you. You told me I was impossible to live with. You told me I was crazy, that I needed help. You told me I was unlovable, but it was you who couldn’t handle me. You said that because you saw me doing things that you weren’t capable of. Just because I was stronger than you, you wanted to belittle me and gaslight me. You wanted to have control over me. You wanted to rule me and sadly, for a moment, you did. You were my necessary evil: the narcissist in disguise and the man who knew how to make me feel like shit only by using words. You knew exactly where to hit. You knew exactly how to destroy me.

After years have gone by, I need to tell you just one thing.

The girl you ‘molded’ into a pitiful, meaningless NOTHING has become a woman who is a powerful and unbreakable SOMETHING.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Thank you for making me realize I was the only one that could save me.

Open Topic

Infertility Warrior.

“It’s a journey I never signed up for, a journey I never in a million years saw coming. But God did. Before I was even born, he saw my life as it looks today. 45, and childless. At times I’m so angry at my body for not doing what I believe it was created to do.⠀

It’s been years of hurting at this point, and I wish I could say it’s gotten easier. But it hasn’t. I’ve just gotten accustomed to the dull ache whenever a new announcement pops up on my timeline, or a cheeky baby coos at me in church, or the beautiful glow a friend has as she touches her bump.⠀

I had gotten to a point where I was so fixated on “fixing the problem” that I wasn’t slowing down enough to listen to the lesson God might’ve been teaching.⠀

Today it still hurts. I hate this journey but I love the way Gods changing me. I hate the pain, but I love the process of detaching joy from things that aren’t promised & re-attaching it to the only fulfilling source: Jesus ️⠀

I hate that every month I’m reminded of the truth, and every month that passes, I feel my hope fading like a mist.⠀

I know God has a plan.⠀
Most days I’m so happy with where God has us in life right now. But just one day a month, I let myself fall apart, ache, mourn, hurt & sit at Jesus feet; me & Him just to listen.⠀

The pain is welcome here.⠀
Pain can be a megaphone to teach us who God is, why He sent his Son & what we were created for. It reminds me that the world is not right, it’s not how it should be and one day, there will be RESTORATION. So that in these moments when life HURTS, and my heart shatters, I can find true, eternal healing & hope renewed.⠀

It wasn’t meant to be this way, for this life to have so much pain or suffering, and that’s exactly why I can choose joy in the hardest of spaces.⠀

Heartache proves God exists, sin exists, and the gift of grace through Jesus Christ is so desperately needed, because through Him he is making all things new. I look forward to the day I don’t ache for what I can’t have & my needs will be fully met in the presence of my Creator; the way it was always meant to be.” 

Open Topic

Just When I Forgotten You.

There was this guy you loved more than anyone else in this world. And there was nothing you wouldn’t do for him.

You were not just his girlfriend—you also tried to be his best friend. You were someone who always pushed him forward, trying to make him a better man.

You knew all of his flaws but you accepted him, despite them.

You were the only person this guy always had by his side, the only one who never turned her back on him. And most of all, you loved him like he was the only man in the world.

But obviously, even that wasn’t enough for him. Obviously, he didn’t know what he had.

He didn’t appreciate everything you had to offer, so he walked away from you. He didn’t see the fact that you were one in a million and he thought he’d find someone better than you.

And that ruined you. It broke your heart and it broke you into pieces. He ruined your self-esteem, and he made you blame yourself for everything wrong in your relationship.

You wondered why you weren’t enough for him, and if there was something else you could have done to make him stay. You spent months crying and waiting for him to come back.

Although deep down, you knew this guy didn’t deserve you and you were ready to forgive him for all the pain he put you through.

And although you don’t want to admit it to anyone, you still are ready to do so.

People think you’ve forgotten all about him, but the harsh truth is completely different. You are still ready to take him back and to forget everything he did to you.

Because you hope this time will be different. And this hope is the only thing that keeps you going, the only thing that keeps you alive.

You hope that there will come a moment when he’ll realize that he loves you, when he’ll realize that he made a huge mistake by leaving you and when he’ll understand what he lost.

And that moment will come. But when it does, it will be too late.

This guy will come back to you and that is something you can be sure about. But it won’t happen now.

And when it finally happens, it will be too late.

The same way he destroyed your confidence, you boosted his ego. You were the wind to his wings and after you, he thought there was nothing he couldn’t do.

Now, he is certain that every woman will love him the way you did. He is still not aware of all the sacrifices you were making for him, and all the love you were giving him.

And most of all, he is not aware that this love was one of a kind and that he won’t find anything similar with any other woman.

And for years, he’ll search for you in every woman he encounters. But he won’t find you anywhere.

In time, he’ll think he forgot about you. But he will always have this void, this huge emptiness inside of him, reminding him that he lost the only valuable person in his life.

And that is when he’ll realize, he wants you back. That is when he’ll try to come back to you.

But it will be too late.

Because this is when you’ll be happier than you ever were. This is when you’ll finally have forgotten about this man, and when you’ll think of him as a distant bad memory.

This is when you’ll finally have moved on with your life, as if he never existed. But be careful—this man will try even the impossible just to win you over.

He will try to convince you he is a changed man and that he has become everything you always wanted him to be.

He will try to tell you that this time will be different, and that he would never do anything to hurt you again. But you should never believe him. Because he is only doing this to get back under your skin.

Yes, he is very well aware of what he lost, but that doesn’t mean he’s changed. And even if he has, he doesn’t deserve a second chance from you.

What you deserve is, a second chance in life, and that is something you will never get if you take him back.

So when this man comes back (and trust me, he will), just keep walking away from him and don’t even think of looking back. 

Open Topic

Practice Social Distancing.

Wherever you look around, everyone is pointing out the importance of social distancing.

They tell you that it’s crucial for you to keep as far away from people as possible because that’s the only way to save your own as well as others’ lives.

But I’m not here to talk to you about this. I’m not here to help you get through the lock down or inspire you to do something with your life during this time.

However, I am here to talk about social distancing regardless of the virus.

Here to tell you the significance of distancing yourself from the ones who never deserved to be near you in the first place.

For a change, stop giving access to the ones who keep on hurting you. The ones who are doing you harm and making your life miserable.

I don’t care if we’re talking about your emotional partner, about someone you think of as your best friend, or even one of your closest family members, be it your parents or siblings.

Forget about feeling guilty, because you don’t owe anyone anything. Don’t let your history with someone prevent you from making the right choice.

Stop thinking about how you kicking them out of your life would make these people feel. After all, they don’t think about the consequences of their actions when they treat you like shit, do they now?

Stop worrying whether they’ll make it without you. You’re no one’s guardian angel and it’s not your job to save others, especially those who clearly don’t want to be saved.

So please, start focusing on yourself. It’s not selfish to get rid of everyone who is upsetting your inner peace.

It’s not selfish to move away from those who are doing everything they can to put you down. Those who are holding you back from reaching your full potential.

The people who keep on telling you that you’re not enough.

Cutting toxic people off doesn’t make you an awful person. Instead, it means that you’re a woman who loves herself more than she loves others – and that is exactly how things should be.

Escaping from everyone who plays with your head and heart doesn’t make you a horrible person.

Remember: Abandoning those who don’t love you back the way they should, don’t respect you, and don’t appreciate your sacrifices is an act of self-care.

There is nothing bad in distancing yourself from their negative energy and bad vibe. In fact, it is probably the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself.

Let’s get one thing clear: Whoever is not treating you the way you deserve, needs to be cut out as soon as possible. Whoever is taking advantage of you in any way whatsoever, shouldn’t have that privilege anymore.

Now is the time to learn the importance of putting yourself first. The importance of not allowing others to have an effect on your happiness and not letting anyone who doesn’t deserve you be a part of your life.

It’s time for you to learn how to love yourself before expecting someone else to do it. To learn how to respect and appreciate yourself.

It’s right now that you have to finally realize how much you deserve, and that settling for less is not an option.

Therefore, even when this self-isolation passes, please keep on practicing social distancing. Don’t build high walls around you, but be cautious about who you give access to your heart.

Be careful who gets the entrance pass into your life. Be wary about the ones you’ll let close to you.

After all, if this lock down has taught you anything, it’s that you don’t actually need that many people to get through rough waters. Despite what you might have thought, the truth is, that you can make it by yourself just fine.

You’re capable of facing life’s difficulties without anyone holding your hand. Therefore, you certainly don’t need someone to shoot you in the foot on your path to progress.

Remember: It is always better to be alone than in bad company.

Open Topic

What Does Love Mean??

What does love mean? Many people say that the world revolves around money – and the rest of them say it’s love that makes the world spin.

Keeping that in mind, we can confidently say that love is a pretty important thing to humanity. If not the most important.

Love is something universal, known to everyone, yet unexplainable and mysterious. A generally acknowledged contradiction.

Yes, there are many definitions of love, but it’s impossible to say one definition of love is completely and utterly true and right for everyone.

It’s safe to say that love is a lot of things for a lot of people. It can’t be removed from individual experience.

Human beings know many types of love: romantic love, best friend love, family love, pet love, and other million kinds of love.

The English Oxford Dictionary defines love as a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit and deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure.

And while that sounds pretty clear at first, I know from my experience, it translates into everyday life in the form of various and somewhat poetic sayings about love we hear all the time.

So, here I wanted to gather some of the most frequent everyday sayings and try to get to the core of their true meaning.

Here’s what love is when it’s not just saying simply I love you, according to… all humankind.

1. Love is unconditional

We hear this phrase a lot, but do we know what it means?

Unconditional love means appreciating someone despite their imperfections – body or personality-wise.

It means accepting your loved one as he or she is, without looking to benefit from them.

Unconditional love doesn’t look for something in return. It supports and respects regardless of one’s success, appearance, or social status.

The most important thing is the relationship itself. Just by existing as it is.

It’s a choice to stay with someone no matter the circumstances, it means putting someone else’s needs before your own, prioritizing their happiness.

Some say that unconditional love is simply what we mean by saying love, a true love.

Unconditional love means your partner encourages you to be the best version of yourself.

They don’t shame you for your actions or needs. They don’t judge you for your choices.

Instead, they respond with empathy and care for your well-being.

It also means you can talk freely, without getting uncomfortable.

And even when you get into an argument, you try to understand each other’s points of view and have no hard time forgiving each other.

You want to find a resolution that will make both of you happy.

When you’re loved unconditionally, you’re not afraid to be yourself completely – because there’s nothing to prove, you know you’re not being judged.

There’s no expectation you need to fulfill. You can let your guard down. Even on your bad days!

There’s no mind games or compromises that make you feel bitter. Every decision is respective to your boundaries. You bring out the best in each other.

2. Love is blind

Blind love is often a theme in various types of art.

The lovers are portrayed as blind to their partners’ negative traits and with a tendency to idealize them.

Why do we so often love the idealized image of a person rather than the real one? What keeps us believing in it?

It’s strange to think that in the early stage of romantic relationships, people tend to have and maintain what is called positive illusions in regards to their partner.

It’s almost like an attempt to live out their dream, their fantasy seeing only what they perceive as desirable and ignoring the rest.

Other than that, it’s not unusual for people to tend to keep justifying something they invested so much time and put so much attention into, and disregard everything they don’t really like yet won’t admit initially.

After the original infatuation comes the reality check.

Suddenly, a person feels like they misinterpreted their partner qualities, while in reality, it’s more likely it was partly their fault for not wanting to see anything but the good qualities.

Oftentimes, romantic love is confused with plain lust, especially in a new relationship.

And while sexual desire is an important aspect if you’re in for a long-term relationship, still, sometimes it’s just an easily extinguished fire with no real meaning.

3. Love is all you need

While this saying sounds quite sentimental, for many people it’s the truth they live by.

Apart from sounding gushy, if you start thinking about it more thoroughly and really ask yourself “why is love all we need?,” some interesting answers start to appear.

It’s pretty clear that we need love to feel valuable and accepted, which then gives our lives meaning. Love isn’t just sweet words and hugging.

It’s something we need in order to go about our everyday life not feeling devastated and miserable.

We feel devastated and miserable when our needs aren’t met. It affects our quality of life.

The way we do things – the way we eat, sleep, make connections.

It all boils down to love. That’s why it is essential to us.

Love isn’t just a feeling, it’s also an action. It motivates you to do things in life. It gives you purpose.

It makes you commit. There’s nothing people can stick to if there isn’t some aspect of love involved.

4. Love is eternal

Speaking of sentimental sayings, this too is one of them. However, this one has a slightly more philosophical meaning.

Eternal love is love that has no end, obviously.

What that means is, there’s no obstacle that can stop the people who love each other from loving each other.

You might ask yourself if eternal love is really possible, but let me tell you – we all witnessed that long-lasting, Notebook-type, loving relationship at least once.

You know you saw that cute older couple holding hands and thought to yourself, “Real love exists and it doesn’t get old. I want that kind of love.”

Throughout human history, there were so many proofs of eternal love, so many legends, fairy-tales and real historical stories about undying love, so it’s most likely true.

Maybe it’s not as frequent because it requires a lot of work and sacrifices, but it’s wrong to say it doesn’t exist when it clearly does.

5. Love knows no limits

Every person has their own love language.

For one, it’s coming home from work and having dinner prepared for them. For others, it’s constant words of appreciation and encouragement or receiving a love song.

However, when you truly love someone or something, all of your personal preferences are put aside; there’s no thing that is off-limits.

Time has shown so many selfless, fascinating, almost impossible things people have done in the name of love.

From risking their lives in extraordinary situations to astonishing sacrifices they’ve made in everyday life, such as dedicating their life to greater a purpose of making the life of others more humane, healthier and happier.

Everyday, people’s lives are changed and saved solely because of love.

No interest could make a person risk their own life for somebody else’s. It can only be love.

And that’s where the mystery of love lies.

6. Love hurts

A slightly darker view on love. After I’ve said everything I’ve said about love and it’s importance in the life of a person, it’s needless to say that not having or missing it hurts like hell.

When it’s good, it’s great; but when it’s bad, it’s the worst thing you can imagine.

Pain can cause total eclipse of one’s seemingly healthy mind. There’s so many things that could go wrong.

The person you’re in love with, doesn’t love you back. The person who supposedly loves you – abuses you.

The person you loved has passed away. You’re unable to help your loved one while they are suffering from life threatening illness.

Your best friend for life, has betrayed you. Your love at first sight, turned out to be a high-functioning narcissist. You’ve been cheated on or lied to.

There are so many ways to break a heart. Sometimes it takes just one person – just one relationship to change your views on love forever. For better or worse.

A heart is so fragile that sometimes you don’t even need someone else to break it.

You can do it yourself by putting yourself in situations that cause you discomfort and pain, by not caring for yourself, by putting yourself last and being your own worst enemy.

After the trauma, it’s hard to believe in love again. Your perception of love becomes distorted.

You no longer connect love to feelings of safety or happiness, but feelings of fear and loss and at some point inevitably ask yourself: “What is love, anyway?”

7. Love is the meaning of life

As I said before, while we can write off sayings like this as being sentimental, it’s still true that when people are confronting the difficult experiences in life such as dying or surviving some type of trauma, they suddenly start asking themselves about the meaning of life.

And according to the experiences of many psychologists around the world, there’s one answer that keeps popping up in the life of many when it comes to searching for the meaning of life, and you might have already guessed what it is – it’s the love.

And so often, everything else we thought was important in life, our jobs, money, recognition, looks… it all steps aside.

For some people, that’s the first moment in their life when they actually start living.

Love is the meaning of life because only love has the power of connecting us to our true purpose.

8. Nothing is possible without love

Living in a materialistically inclined world we’re often faced with problems of materialistic nature.

It seems impossible to live life without money, without a job – without some guarantee we’re going to survive. And it’s true that we do need those things to survive.

But behind every action we take, there’s constant need for fulfillment, different from just a physical need.

Many famous and rich people admitted that at the peak of their success, they were often feeling completely unhappy and unfulfilled.

In order to feel happy, we need to fulfill the need. Something we long for. And that need is love.

It doesn’t have to be obvious. It can be masked as need for attention, need for approval, need for safety… all kinds of things.

But ultimately, it’s always love.

To wrap up this hopefully insightful and useful text, I need to say a few more things.

In today’s world where life is happening on social media, traditional dating is replaced with dating apps, everything that was considered the norm is being put on online, and people in general are becoming more closed off, it’s important to always recognize the true face of love in all its forms.

The meaning of love can’t be found in a book or heard in a class. It can’t be learned.

It can’t be magically understood in just one moment – it’s something we learn about the whole time, it’s something that has to be lived out every day of our lives.

To be in love is the need of the soul, same as food is the need of our body.

It’s important to understand that love doesn’t really need to be defined, but rather felt and given.

Feeling loved and giving love always comes from some type of thoughtful action. That’s how love expresses itself – by what we do.

What does love mean? Why does it matter?

To be moved by a song or a sentence is a wonderful thing, and there’s nothing better than seeing your action has made a world a better place – even for just one day – and you don’t need an explanation for that.

After everything I said, I just want to share a few quotes about love, hoping they will inspire you to find love in everything you do:

”I already love in you your beauty, but I am only beginning to love in you that which is eternal and ever precious – your heart, your soul. Beauty one could get to know and fall in love with in one hour and cease to love it as speedily; but the soul one must learn to know. Believe me, nothing on earth is given without labour, even love, the most beautiful and natural of feelings.” – Leo Tolstoy

‘’Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.’’ – Lao Tzu

‘’In the flush of love’s light, we dare be brave. And suddenly we see that love costs all we are, and will ever be. Yet it is only love which sets us free.’’ – Maya Angelou

‘’The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.’’ – Victor Hugo

‘’I’m not saying that love always takes you to heaven. Your life can become a nightmare. But that said, it is worth taking the risk.’’ – Paulo Coelho

‘’When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.’’
Jimi Hendrix

‘’Just in case you have forgotten today: You matter. You are loved. You are worthy. You are magical.’’ Unknown

Open Topic

Maintaining Sobriety During Quarantine.

In a Zoom meeting of Narcotics Anonymous last week, a waifish figure with rheumy eyes assumed the center of the computer screen. “I have several hours clean,” the person said, grinning and lurching screen left. “I need help.” This was my first online experience of the fellowship that has been a cornerstone of my life since 2011. Like many N.A./A.A. members, I found I needed the meetings more than ever when the coronavirus quarantine canceled the in-person ones. But internet N.A., at first glance, was uncanny. I caught my breath to see someone so addled, probably still drunk or high, make this disclosure to a crowd of internet strangers who couldn’t, not really, look one another in the eye. In my experience, N.A. is about bodies in space — hugs, pats on backs, a tissue when you need it.

“I just need help,” said the troubled person on my laptop. At that, the small streaming videos of members across the top of the Zoom interface burst into applause. It’s our habit in N.A. to heap praise on anyone courageous enough to make a start. Of course, the applause was silent, since we were all streaming the meeting and we were all on mute.
But it was a relief to see the familiar ceremony, right here, in the corner of the internet now staked out for sober addicts — and anyone, in any plague bunker, with what we call a “desire to stop using.” A quarantine is indeed a trying time. Where “people who can use/drink normally.”

Though a few days since the lockdown, its chairs spaced six feet apart, my regular ones now convene on Zoom, the same videoconferencing software many schools use. In the best of times, many N.A. members suffer from what traditionalists call “RID,” for ”restlessness, irritability and discontent,” same goes for alcoholics, and we’re now confessing to every manner of itch. Some want to use/drink. Some suddenly despise their roommates. Some are eating Lucky Charms out of the box and wondering whether, with a knack remembered from druggie days, they might snort the marshmallow dust.
In short order we have grown used to disclosing our intimate secrets into our laptop cameras, like a bunch of extremely earnest and fully dressed camgirls. It has been weird. Eight and a half years ago, I attended my first in-person meeting. It’s common at the start to try to perfume away desperation; later I learned no one is fooled. N.A. members, as their minds and lives clear up, are instructed to wear their sobriety “like a loose garment,” and on Zoom we’re in state-of-the-art loose.

Still, knowing I’m on the internet discussing the most shameful part of my life, and changing my profile hastily to delete my last name, makes me freshly nervous about how candid I can be in this setting.

But I keep going, and the online meetings are packed. In one Zoom I attended last week, a woman with a fake tropical beach background surveyed the images of the 50-plus people who’d showed up. She talked about cultivating acceptance of the pandemic, not “future-tripping,” and instead taking the “next right action.” N.A. is like a freaking cockroach,” she told the virtual assembly. “Like, you can’t kill us.” There was a pause. “I mean ‘cockroach’ in a good way.” When New York City on Sept. 11, 2001, happening, in my nightstand drawer I kept a giant shoe box — it once held knee-high boots — filled with drug paraphernalia whr others were giving their blood, I studiously adulterated mine with enough substances to cost me any trace of good judgment. What if someone mistook me for a functioning human with an idea about Al Qaeda or, worse, asked me to help? Active addicts tend to find ordinary life events intolerable. If you know your solution (a drug), you tend to retro-engineer your problem (anything) to tee that solution up. It’s a bad day, a good day, a Friday: drugs.
When I was active, especially at the end, I tended to give myself no choice but to call my dealer and imagine that my drug of choice was the only way to endure life on earth. So when something is truly intolerable, like a global pandemic, active addicts know just what to do.

Today my 9/11-caliber anxiety sends me to Zoom. Meetings that used to gather once a week offline now meet twice a day. Most of the time, we listen to speakers tell their stories — how the drugging started, how bad it got, what happened to bring them to their knees, and what their lives are like now. Barring a few jokes about the tech, these presentations are fluent, wry and moving, similar to the ones you’d hear in a traditional meeting. Many people who speak in meetings say they’re overwhelmed with relief to find these online gatherings, which are indeed coherent and powerful. “Part of me wants to shut down, to make the world as small as my bed,” said someone from a placeless quarantine the other day. “But in sobriety I find I can be of service to my mother — actually call, ask her about what interests her, make sure she’s OK.”

The quarantine in Pennsylvania is only about 1 month old, and I must have attended a dozen meetings, although I’ve shared only once. Was my diffidence because I missed the real-life meeting? The folding chairs, the musty smell, the corny “Easy Does It” placards, the hand-holding, the reliably status-leveling quality of the basements where I got sober? All the iconic N.A. machinery reminds me of my bottom — when things were so bad, and my humiliation so high, that I received what some call “the gift of desperation.” The memory of that gift, of how bad it once was and how, to my daily astonishment, good it is now, is what I get from the global network of rudimentary 3-D meeting spaces known as “the rooms.” “I’m just having trouble, during this virus, with all the change,” I said when I shared. On Zoom, an icon appeared: another “hand” was raised, and the chair of the meeting unmuted someone, who displaced me in the center of the screen. “I heard that addicts fear two things:

Change. And the way things are right now. The trick is accepting both.”
The muted videos across the top of my screen laughed. Soon after, all of us, freshly unmuted, recited a hurdy-gurdy version of the Serenity Prayer in something far less than unison. Only then did I get a little teary. I took the deepest breath of the day as if to take in — something. The sense of oneness. It occurred to me that all of us addicts— really, all humans with shortcomings, meaning everyone — were breathing in and out, our fragile mortal lungs, puffing away near our hearts, now so vulnerable to this novel virus that could stop them any minute.

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Mental Health Awareness Month.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. 1 in 5. The number of people who will be affected by mental illness in any given year. This person is sitting next to you. This person is living in your house. This person is a part of your family. This is you. Even if this disease is not yours to fight, you are impacted by knowing and loving someone who is.

A semicolon. A pause. An indication of connection between sentences. Often causing confusion yet important to empathize relationships. A pause to let the reader know there is more to the story.

The semicolon can be described as stronger than a comma but weaker than a period. An apt description. However the semicolon is more than just this. It continues the sentence where a period could be placed.

And I am stronger than depression and anxiety. I am more than what it tells me I am. It will not be my ending period. My disease makes me pause in my day. It makes me stop and care for myself. But it doesn’t end me. I have more to my story. And so do you. Share it. Talk about it. Reveal it. Display it.

There is no shame. Don’t let it become your end. Let it be a part of your story. One that you overcome everyday.

Support your 1 in 5. Show them that you see them. You hear them. You love them. Show them that their disease does not make them less of a person.

My name is Carla. I am 1 in 5.

Www.yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.com
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Fuck Love And Fuck You!!!

I am currently in a phase of my life when I don’t give a damn about love anymore. Probably because of all those bad things that have happened to me. To us. I’ve realized I am an independent woman and I can handle things alone.

So, love, I have a message for you: “Screw you for leading me on all these years!” I trusted you and you stabbed me in the back. I gave you all my youth and all I got was remorse. Remorse because of the day when I said “YES” to you. Remorse because of the life I am currently living.

Nothing is right anymore. I feel so distant from him and every single action that he does makes me believe all is in vain. But you know, we were a happy couple once. He was my first love. He was the man who made butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him. And we spent so many great years together. Years of hope, love, trust, and support. But somehow all was gone when we got married.

He didn’t like my job. He didn’t trust me. He thought I am cheating on him. He did everything to make me feel bad. Even if I spent hours and hours explaining to him that I have nothing to do with anyone except him, he didn’t trust me. One night he came back home and said he wanted a divorce. My whole world started falling apart. I just stood there in a state of a shock. Because I didn’t know he thought that way.

He was actually willing to destroy all those years of love just because he was insecure. And nothing I did could make him trust me again. I was powerless. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t cry. I was just angry at myself for marrying him.

I could have had a better life without him. With someone who was worth my stay. With a man who would support me in my job and my decisions. With a man warm enough to send me a text for good morning. With a man who is as successful as me and doesn’t have problems if I go to business lunches with my male coworkers.

I wish I had him, but unfortunately, I have someone who is totally the opposite. I have a man next to me who is jealous when I dress up. He acts like a child when I don’t answer his calls because I am in the middle of a meeting. He blackmails me that he will ask for a divorce if I don’t change.

He knows I will do anything to make them feel protected. But he also knows that in all that mess, I always forget about myself. I forget that I also have a heart. And I’m tired of all those storms that are going through my life. My heart doesn’t have any fuel to continue beating. It doesn’t have love to feed it. There is only a constant feeling of guilt and remorse.

And it is not fading away.

So, late at night when I stay alone, I sit and think about everything. I am trying to find a solution to my problems but nothing smart comes to my mind. I just think how you won in this game again. You made me feel like shit again. I am looking at my wedding ring and it doesn’t bring any nice memories. I don’t feel special because of you anymore. I just wonder if love makes us weak or it just looks like that.

I can’t stand the fact that I need a strong drink every time I see you because I know you will tell me different bullshit again. And the same story continues every day. But now I have changed my mind. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I don’t need a toxic man to destroy all my dreams.

I worked my ass off to get where I am now, and if you think you can destroy that, you are wrong dude. I don’t need you or anyone else to make me happy. I don’t need a man to make me fulfilled. I can do it myself. And thank God for giving me the common sense to leave you and start a new page in my life.

You?

You will probably know what you have lost when memories start to attack you late at night while the rest of the world is asleep. Even your strong drink and cigarettes won’t be able to help you to get over me. My signature is on your heart, but you are not aware of that, baby.

You can’t just get rid of your feelings like that. But I started that process a long time ago.

And finally, I can say: “Fuck love, I want to be single again!” And I will!

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Sincerely “The Mistress.”

This is a story from a long term mistress to a loving wife. Enjoy!

I never wanted to take him away from you. He came to me, all broken and tired, asking for some love. So, I gave him a shelter in my heart and my bed. I made all his bad dreams go away. He was so happy when he was with me but I saw in his eyes that he was not completely satisfied. I knew he was thinking about you all the time. About the pain he was doing to you. But at the same time, he didn’t want to stop. I don’t know why he is cheating on you with me. Maybe I have something that he misses about you. Maybe that is the one piece of the puzzle he needs to be completely happy. And he found it in me.

I want you to know I didn’t want to be the SECOND one. I wanted to be the one and only, but life didn’t give me that opportunity. So, I accept every invitation to be someone’s first choice, even for one night. Because being the “second” one, hurts me a lot. 

I want you to know that I have feelings too. 

I am not a cold-blooded bitch like you think. I felt frustrated when he couldn’t come because you were having your friends over. I was upset every time he canceled our meeting because the two of you had an emergency

Then I would take off my lace underwear and put out the candles. I did all that in silence.

In those moments, I became aware of the fact that I am the “second” one. Probably, I will always be in that position because I don’t know how to be monogamous. It is in my genes and I can’t do anything about it. A leopard can’t change its spots.

I am trying to fall in love with one man only, but after some time I realized he is not the one I need. I start hating him for the things he does and the ones he doesn’t do as well. And I can’t get away of that circle because I am not doing anything to escape. 

I would love to change, and I hope that I will make it one day. But until then, I will probably sleep with every man who pays attention to me. So sad, right?

You know, your man was not the only one who was cheating on his wife with me. Plenty of men went through my life and all of them left with emotional scars.

Frankly speaking, I don’t know why guys cheat.

Those are not some macho guys who jump from one bed to another, but dedicated husbands and loving fathers. There is some reason, unknown to me, that makes them sell their true love for a one-night stand.

But no matter how exciting it is to be a forbidden fruit, in the end, I get sick and tired of being the second one. Because every man in the end, chooses his wife, the mother of his kids and I always stay alone. They don’t care about my feelings and my needs, since they were with me just to please theirs.

So, I just want you to know one thing: if you ever find out that he has been cheating on you, please treat him in the same way that he treated you. It will be his wake-up call and he will realize what kind of treasure he lost just because he was thinking with his dick instead of with his head.

And me?

I will get over this alone. I am strong enough to endure all the pain and tears after he leaves me to go to comfort you. It is not my first time, and I already got used to these slaps life is giving me.

I will find a way out of this living hell. And things will get better for me.
They have to be…

The Broken One!

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Now What?

After I have sex for the first time with a guy I really like, there’s always a part of me that feels very sad. Sure, we might have had a great time together doing what we did, but I know the second that I walk out that door, it all changes.

It changes because I’m terrified that he’s not going to want to see me again. I’m terrified that I’m just another notch on his bedpost. But mostly, I’m terrified of the fact that I meant nothing to him, and that all this time that I’ve invested in him was a wasted effort.

I thought about this last night after I cuddled with my newest guy and we finished the movie we had been watching. I stared at the door, because I didn’t want to walk out, I wanted to stay there with him, because I wanted him, I had wanted him for so long. I thought about how every time before when I had slept with a guy (not that it has happened very often), how hurt I got afterwards. How they didn’t call, they acted like nothing happened, and how low I felt.

But this guy, this guy is different, and that’s what scares me as well. This is the most genuine guy I’ve come across, and I don’t want to lose him before we start something that I believe could be truly amazing. I kept thinking to myself, he’s not going to be like the other guys, he’s different, everything’s going to be fine.

So here lies the question: we just had sex, now what? What happens now? I think it’s so sad that in our generation we always have to ask ourselves that because there is a 99.9% chance we will never hear from a guy again. But, then there’s something in us that believes that this guy is going to be different, he’s going to call.

He’s not going to ghost us, leave us in the dirt, make us shed a heavy amount of tears on our pillows. On my way home last night, I decided just to be forward with this guy and tell him how I truly felt. I told him I know what we did tonight will change things, but I didn’t want them to. I told him how I liked him, and wanted to continue to see him and get to know him. He agreed with what I was saying, and we’ve been talking all day per usual, but I’m still scared. I will be perfectly honest with you all, I’m terrified. Although I got an okay answer, I still didn’t get the reassurance I wanted.

What I wanted was for him to tell me he’s not going anywhere, that he’ll call me tomorrow, and that everything will be okay. I wanted him to make me feel like we had a future since last night. And in some ways, he did, but in other ways he didn’t.

And of course, as a woman and someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, I analyzed it all day. I talked to my best friend about it, getting her opinion, and did everything I could to get my mind off it. I know guys will always have a hard time bringing up ‘the talk’ with us woman, which is why we need to bring it up ourselves. I need to know if I’m wasting my time, if this is going anywhere or if I should leave. As a woman who doesn’t sleep around, and is very cautious of her heart, it’s a scary feeling to think about right after sex with someone whom I really like. Especially someone who I didn’t expect to like this much—that’s even more scary. I don’t want to lose him, we have so much more to do.

Have you ever asked yourself the question I did last night? I know I can’t be the only woman who’s questioned it. The only woman who’s thought as she walked to her car, all right, so I guess I’ll never see him again. I can’t be the only woman who has prayed to God that things will work out, and fell asleep dreaming that it actually would. To each woman who asks themselves, we just had sex, now what, I pray that you get what you want, and that he doesn’t leave you hanging. However, if he does leave you hanging, know that he doesn’t deserve you then.

Any guy who just has sex with you for the hell of it, and decides to play with your emotions for the hell of it, is not a real man. A real man will call you back. A real man will not leave you hanging, and a real man will assure you he is not going anywhere. You may feel completely fooled and brokenhearted for the moment, but remember that as many douchebags are out there who will treat you like that, there are plenty of nice guys out there who won’t. It just might take a little longer to find one, but remember, you have time.

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Make-Up Sex.

Have you ever had make-up sex? It’s really the best way to finish the fight and reconcile all your differences.

Make-up sex doesn’t solve a fight, but it serves as a reminder that there are more important things in life than fighting. It reminds you just how close you are to that person and that a petty fight is not something that can tear you apart.

All couples fight. It’s an integral part of any relationship. Those who say they don’t care are either lying or keeping a lot of things bottled up inside, and it’s only a matter of time before they explode.

Constructive fights are even healthy, and they teach couples to put their love in front of all the differences they might have.

But there is nothing that says I am sorry as make-up sex. It’s better than flowers and all the words. It’s all about making up, but it’s also about getting down which is always a good idea.

If you are still wondering why make-up sex is so much better than regular sex keep on reading:

1. Passion overflow

Even if the anger wore off and you are all good now, there is still some rage left inside of you. That gives you an adrenaline kick like no other.

That’s why regular vanilla sex will not be on the list. You are in for something more passionate and hardcore. Something that involves hair pulling, biting, grabbing and back scratching.

2. It gives you a fresh start

Fighting can be really exhausting. It can drain you emotionally and make you feel bad even when you worked out everything. However, make-up sex will make all those feelings disappear.

The closeness of your bodies will be enough to spark the euphoria you will feel. You will enjoy one another wholeheartedly, forgetting that the fight ever happened.

3. You are concentrated on each other’s pleasure

Make-up sex is a whole different level. You will probably think of things you only saw in movies, and you will want to try them to make the whole experience better.

You will both try harder to please each other. At this point, you will feel like you are both to blame for the fight, and this will be your sweet redemption.

4. All your emotions are channeled into sex

You feel everything from love to hate. Every possible emotion runs through you and you are one big mess.

The upside of it is, if you engage in make-up sex as your solution, all your emotions will be channeled there. That sex will probably be one of the best ones you ever had because it will be filled with mutual desires and raw lust.

5. Nothing says “I am sorry” like an orgasm

All is forgiven after a good orgasm. Don’t you agree? You get into that blissful state where you really don’t care what the fight was about or why it had to happen.

All you know now is that everything is good, and that you are over the moon. The mixture of emotions made the climax even more intense than it would normally be. You are just full of happiness.

6. It brings you closer

You both could be emotional wrecks after the fight and feel like you are getting distant, but there is nothing like make-up sex to fix that and bring you closer than you ever were.

You are becoming more intimate at both physical and emotional levels. You feel as though there is nothing stronger than your bond.

And it’s no wonder you feel that way. You are experiencing all the signs of sexual tension when you’re lighting the flames of chemistry that brought you two together at the beginning.

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Why You Should Never Give Up On Him.

He’s not being clingy, it’s just that you are the best thing that happened to him so far. People hardly give up on things that make them happy and that’s the reason he holds on to you so tight.

You are everything he ever wanted. You complement him. You are his other (better) half. You attract him on the inside as well as on the outside and it’s just a perfect match.

You may have differences, but that’s not big of an issue because you are not trying to change each other’s personality. You rather enjoy each other’s differences.

And the way he looks at you- Oh my God!

You get shivers from the intense desire look in his eyes. You also melt when you catch him staring at you with eyes filled with love.

You are everything he ever wanted. You are his biggest desire and he’s not a guy that can be easily saturated.

He needs you.

He needs to see you often, to talk to you, to feel you in order to feel like a whole human with you.

Jealousy doesn’t come from his distrust in you but from his previous experiences. Only you know what kind of history he has with other girls and what have those toxic relationships done to him.

He’s dated a few wrong ones before he got to the right one. To the one he should really be dating. With whom he should spend his time (and perhaps the rest of his life).

It was an ugly path, mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood and played God knows how many times before.

It might have left him broken, but he wouldn’t be able to recognize your true worth if he hadn’t made a few wrong turns.

He holds on tight because he is afraid of losing you.

How many times did he show you he’s thrilled to have you by his side. How many time did he make you laugh and make you happy?

How many times were you his #1 priority and how many times has he gave up on his wishes just to please you?

He’d do anything in his power (and more) for you. He’d died to see you happy by his side. He feels like he can conquer the world, but only if you’re holding his hand. Only with you by his side.

He treats you right, regardless if you deserve it or not.

There is no such thing as your credit, you get it all.

And he never gave up on you. No matter what happens, leaving you is never an option. It never was and it will never be.

No matter what shit storm hits you, he’s there to withhold it with you.

This is why you shouldn’t give up on him.

His emotional damage will vanish only with the help of your love.

If you decide to stay and love him in the right way, you’ll get to the same page eventually.

Don’t withhold the love he deserves, because of a few bad days. Everybody has to have those in life occasionally. They serve to make you stronger and not to make you give up.

It’s a test to see if you’re going to pass and if you’re going to stay.

Kiss him goodnight and good morning regardless if you had a fight or not. Hold his hand. Hug him. Try to understand. Do the best you can not to judge.

Once his emotional damage vanishes and the storm is over, there will be nobody more loved than you in this world.

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Thanks For Pulling Me Out Of The Darkness.

To the person who saved me from the dark: thank you.

Before I met you, I was messed up, depressed with nothing left to live for. I was hiding in the corner of my room, afraid to be seen or heard.

Emotionally, I was hiding in the corner of my mind afraid to be ‘touched’. I was a prisoner of my own toxic thoughts.

Each time I tried to escape that prison of mine, something pulled me back even deeper—something that reminded me how fragile and incapable of living I was.

I was helpless.

I was a spectacle of dust carried by the wind with no control over my life. I was a puppet in a theater waiting to play the role someone gave me.

The sun was shining, but in my life, it was always dark and cold until the day I met you.

So, thank you.

Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being there for me through thick and thin.

No one asked you to pick up my broken pieces and put them back together, but you did it anyway.

No one asked you to deal with my fears and frustrations, but you did it anyway.

Only you had the ‘Hercules strength’ to pull me out from the darkest corners of my mind. Only you had the power to make me believe I am my own worst enemy. You made me understand that it all began and grows inside of me.

You told me I am the one in charge of my life. You are the one who told me my thoughts cannot control me because I’m controlling them.

You were my friend when I needed one the most.

Thank you for being my lover. You are the first person I have ever blindly and entirely trusted.

Not only that, you gave me shelter with your friendly embrace, but you also released me from my dark and dull prison with your love. You are the one who had the key of my cell.

You took my hand and we stepped into the light. I stepped into the light. Do you know how hard it is to accept light after all those years of darkness?

Of course, you do.

Thank you for keeping on loving me until my ‘eyes’ got used to the light. That was a dark period for you. I’m sorry my light brought you to darkness. I know you only made it through so you could save me.

Thank you for releasing me from my prison.

Thank you for teaching me how to love.

Thank you for returning my faith in people.

Thank you for being the one I love.

https://www.yourlifejournesysblog.wordpress.com
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Girls Like Me.

Girls like me get lost in this universe. Girls like me struggle to find their places in this world because we refuse to look like every other person.

We hate to be put in a box and we hate to be limited by the times we live in. We hate to be empty or have superficial feelings. We’re ‘go hard or go home’ kind of girls.

We don’t get mean people. The pain of ‘the other’ hurts us, too.

Throughout the whole of high school, we felt like outcasts because we didn’t like bullying or laughing at someone because of a few extra pounds, the funny hairstyle, or the way somebody dressed.

It’s just not fair to laugh at someone for what he is. That’s why high school was hell for us.

People take more from us than they give.

That’s why we often feel used. All the kindness is just sucked out of our bodies because ‘we’re the nice people’. Just because we’re nice doesn’t mean you get to use us.

Just because we smile often doesn’t mean you can invade our happiness. Just because we appear tough doesn’t mean you can leave us broken.

We’re always there for everybody—no matter their value in our lives and yet, in the times of our need, we have few people to rely on. Isn’t that a bit ironic?

We hate to be ignored because something on your phone is more important than the person sitting next to you.

You have us in real life—you get to ask us whatever the hell you want, you get to laugh in person with us, and you get to be as awkward as it gets and then get over it, but you refuse because you’re too busy staring at your phone.

We still believe in love, romance, and what not. We believe there are good people out there—there is a guy who’ll know how to love a woman, there are still printed books that have a unique smell, and there is a warm blanket to touch the body and cup of coffee or glass of wine to touch the soul.

Kindness is everything to us and it’s painful to see it fading from the face of the earth.

We’re always the ones to love and care more.

There is nobody out there willing to compete with us in love. There is nobody to say ‘I love you more’. We don’t even get half of the love we give. It doesn’t even matter if we’re talking about the family, friends, or the guy we’re dating.

People just don’t get our efforts.

We’d sacrifice our own happiness to see people we love happy. We’re often asked ‘Why are you so affected by x events’ or ‘What does it have to do with you?’—and it has everything to do with us. It’s just our empathy thing—we feel everything. And it’s intense.

Girls like me don’t get to be happy because we’re misunderstood.

Because we’re a disappearing species and people forgot about the existence of the girls who care and who love.

We don’t care about the size of your wallet, the car you drive, or if your daddy is famous. We care about how you behave towards others and how you treat us.

We don’t get to be happy because we love more than we’re loved.

We live in some different times with different values. We don’t get to be happy because we’d like to change the world but we can’t.

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This Is What Kind Of Girlfriend You Are (Based On Your Birth Month).

January

You are the true aloha woman. Everyone is looking at you when you enter the room. Guys think you are ambitious and strong. Your man loves you because you always motivate him to be a better person.

He looks up to you. You are always well-prepared and organized and your boyfriend must make lots of efforts to surprise you. Sometimes, you can be really stubborn and too proud, but he is lucky to have such an amazing woman like you.

February

You are a super sweet dreamy girl with an adventurous spirit. You can’t sit and do nothing and that’s why you always take your guy to do some activities.

You have a lot of interests and hobbies and you always want to try new things. You are definitely not the kind of girl for everyone. You want your man to be a free-spirit like you, so you can explore the world together. One thing is for sure—it never gets boring with you because you always have new ideas.

March

You are emotional and affectionate. Even though you may seem distant to some people, you are actually a very empathetic and sensitive girl.

You are a very determined girlfriend because you know exactly what you want from your man. When you are in love, you are a true fighter and you never give up on your man. This huge amount of love can even cause you to make quick decisions. People shouldn’t mistake your kindness for weakness, because you are very tough.

April

You are a true gem because you’re friendly, fun and intelligent. You are very picky when it comes to men, but once you fall in love, you love wholeheartedly.

You never rush into a relationship because you don’t want to get hurt. You choose wisely and that’s why you end up with good guys. In the beginning, it can be difficult for you to trust your partner and relax, but when you do, he is the happiest guy on Earth.

May

You are the artistic type of girl who enjoys beautiful things in life. You always look for someone who can inspire you and with whom you can be creative. You want a man that you can always rely on. You avoid liars and bad boys.

You want full honesty and respect. It’s difficult for your guy to impress you with anything because you have a very specific taste in everything. You are someone who wants to enjoin life to it’s fullest.

June

You are a lovely, romantic girl. You are so sweet that guys can’t help but fall in love with you. Your heart is huge and your partner always feels loved next to you. You easily get attached to your boyfriend and you can be very jealous sometimes. 

A person who is in love with you must be ready to move mountains for you because anything less wouldn’t fit you. When you love, you love like crazy.

July

You are very independent and you always listen to your inner voice when it comes to relationships. It’s very difficult to catch your attention. Your guy must be perfect for you, otherwise you want to stay single.

You have a very strong personality, but you are very protective towards people you love. If your boyfriend has a bad day, you will do anything just to cheer him up. You are something like a best friend and a girlfriend all in one.

August

You are the heart and soul of the party. Guys love your excellent sense of humor. You are very confident and observant. When you fall in love, you can turn into a very childish but super passionate woman.

Loving you is not easy, but it’s worth it because being with you is the adventure of a lifetime. Other couples like to go on double dates with you because you are so fun to be around. Your guy is such a lucky man!

September

You are a very neat and sophisticated girl. When it comes to relationships, you are the perfectionist type of girlfriend. You want your man to be a mature and intelligent guy who is ready to commit.

Since you are a very responsible and smart girl, you don’t want to date douchebags. You don’t want to settle for someone average. You are a very practical, objective, and stable person. You avoid conflicts with your boyfriend and you hate drama.

October

You are such a positive girl and spending time with you is always pleasurable. Your smile can make anyone fall for you. You always look on the bright side of life and guys love your sunny perspective.

Also, you are very opinionated and nothing can bring you down. You have very firm attitudes and your guy needs to be a strong man so he can keep up with you. Your optimism is very beneficial for your relationship.

November

You are very intuitive. You always know when is the right time to do or say something. You certainly know how to make your man happy and satisfied. But also, you know how to fight and use words as weapons. 

You always have great advice and you are very wise for a young woman. Men like you because they feel they can relax and be themselves without pretending to be someone else just to seduce you. You appreciate honest conversation more than anything.

December

You are a real fire. You easily get bored, and that’s why you always look for a guy that can make your day active and interesting. Guys are crazy about your free spirit and spontaneity. 

Your man is supposed to be someone who will always support you in your hopes and plans, because your dreams are big. You love men that are slightly different than you. You are looking for someone patient, someone who can challenge you and inspire you to be better.

https://www.yourlifesjourneysblog.wordpress.co
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Beautifully Broken.

Behind all the walls, behind the mask of a happy girl stands a woman. A woman broken by the world, we would say. Someone broken by an abuser, left by her friends and her lover whom she thought would be her saviors.

You might remember her as the little girl with the loud laugh and happy attitude, the girl who is now hiding inside of you. Behind everything you’ve become today. The person who broke you for whatever reason doesn’t matter anymore. The only thing mattering now, is yourself.

To be a beautifully broken girl means to see our brokenness not as a punishment but as someone’s misuse of our own empathy and kindness. It was never our fault! We were just too good for that person or for this world in general. It’s the only thing that can happen when you’re giving yourself away when you’re being vulnerable. It’s what makes us strong.

It’s the time he told you that you’re worthless that gave you the most worth. You might be confused now, but wasn’t it the moment you realized you were worth more than he could ever afford? It did hurt, I know dear that it did, but let me tell you that all those times he told you how ugly you look while wearing your favorite dress, the time he looked at another girl telling you how much prettier she was, were actually moments in which your brokenness was leading up to the being you are today. And you are wonderful!

It’s amazing to see what a smile can hide. To never show how hurt you are and to still live the life you want. That’s true courage. Don’t you think that that’s the main thing that makes you so beautiful? The way you tell your friends to be positive about life and to live and love like everything is OK—although you’re not OK.

Being a broken girl in this world means to learn to trust people again one day. To love again and to let someone love us is the hardest part about all of it, but we’re trying! We’re taking our time of course, because time is needed to heal all our wounds. But no matter how slow we’re going, we will still overcome all the obstacles and traps life has for us and we will rise above it all.

I know that your heart and soul are suffering, but by choosing to be kind and caring, you are better than anything that has ever come your way. No matter how many times he broke you, you stood up!

Your experience is what made you into an awesome lover, girlfriend, wife. Because you know how hard it is to not be loved, to be lied to, to be abandoned by the people you loved the most is why you will never behave like that to someone precious to you. You will love again and again with no intention to hurt anyone, because you know, too well, how terrifying it is.

One day, someone will help you on your journey to healing completely, someone who will show you how you should be loved and cared for, someone who won’t abandon you when you need them the most. That’s when all of it will pay off! All the times you chose kindness over bitterness paid off! Because you will be standing in front of a man, who came like an angel, to be there for you and to let you know that there are good people in this world. Just like you.

Open Topic

Strong, Sensitive.

Every time I walk away from an argument, I wish I could just go back. I sit on my bed and I relive the situation over and over again, thinking what would have happened if I said something different?

Or I come up with a good comeback and I hate myself for not thinking of it sooner—like at the moment of the fight. But, of course, now it’s too late.

These things get to me so hard. I even can’t remember all the dirty and disgusting things that someone said to me. I just block them out because I’m not sure I could handle them.

I don’t handle confrontations so well. I get really upset when someone is out to get me. It really makes me anxious and it bothers me to the point I can’t think straight. I’m scared.

Every time someone picks a fight with me, I lose this strong mask I’ve put on or it starts to fade. I become transparent, and my voice starts to slowly shake like I’m going to cry—and I walk away. I walk away because I am about to cry and I don’t want anyone to see how sensitive I am. They would eat me alive.

I can’t handle getting the smallest hint that someone is upset or angry with me because I never know why. How could anyone be angry with me? All I’ve ever wanted and all I ever want is good. For everyone.

It bothers me so much. I can’t sleep at night. I repeat the situation in my head millions of times. I over-analyze every little detail and I dwell on it for hours. It’s insane how much time I spend obsessing over a few details that others wouldn’t spend 2 minutes on.

I get so annoyed with the fact of how sensitive I am. I try to hide it because I won’t accept it. I cannot let others see it. Every little detail gets to me like it’s the most important thing in the world. I don’t know. Maybe I’m overreacting even now while I’m writing this. But that’s me—taking things to heart and too seriously.

Even if I’m sure that the person who offended me or verbally attacked me is a complete asshole, it will still get to me. I will feel bad like I did something wrong either way.

I hate that I want to cry and run away instead of staying and fighting for myself. I do stay for as long as I can, but I leave because I can’t take it anymore. Sensitivity is my biggest burden. It’s the first emotion that takes me over, the first one I feel—it’s my instinct.

Only after I calm myself down, anger takes over. An enormous rush of thoughts and sentences overwhelm me—the things I could have said but didn’t.

The worst thing is that I make myself look like a badass—as if nothing can touch me. But in reality, underneath this mask I’ve put on, hides a soft and sensitive heart. And when all passes, when everyone leaves, I let my soft side come to light. I let my emotions run wild.

I pretend I don’t care what others think, but I do. Hurtful things that someone says or does to me consume me. They bother me, but I make sure no one sees that.

I constantly feel this burden pressing against my chest because I have to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’ve mastered faking smiles and cracking jokes just to cover up how I really feel. And believe me, it’s an Oscar-winning performance each time.

I always ruin my chances for happiness. I scare men away and I refuse giving anyone the slightest chance of trying to get near me. I pretend I don’t care. This is how I break my own heart every time, and I’m the first one to do it because I don’t want to allow anyone to find out I’m actually completely opposite from what I pretend to be.

I’m really bad at showing how I feel. Letting my emotions out in the open scares me the most. I will never say ‘I love you’ because I’m not comfortable with it and I assume the other person knows that. So, there’s no need for me to put myself in a difficult situation.

This is why I look like I’m cold and heartless but I’m not. I know how to love and I love even a bit too much. And that is what scares me.

That’s why I pretend I’m strong because I wish I was. I wish that nothing would get to me. I wish my heart was bulletproof.

It would be easier,

It would be better.

Open Topic

Nerds.

If you like nerds, raise your hand. If you don’t, raise your standards. (Violet Haberdasher)

Before I go on about nerdy guys, here’s something that needs to be said: Not every girl dreams of a ripped bad boy on a motorcycle who’s going to sweep her off her feet.

Yeah, it sounds nice but in reality, most of those smooth-talking, sexy, smirking guys end up being players unable to have a serious and committed relationship.

If you’re looking for more than an initially promising but progressively underwhelming hookup (yes, that’s exactly how it goes 90% of the time), find yourself someone who’s interested in more than meets the eye, lives authentically and loves passionately; in other words, find yourself a nerdy man.

Firstly, let’s clear up the meaning of the word nerd. Many people use the words nerd and geek interchangeably, which is totally wrong because they don’t mean the same thing.

A nerd is someone who is seen as overly intellectual and very interested in non-mainstream activities which are generally very technical and often relate to topics of science fiction or fantasy.

Nerds are often portrayed as socially awkward, shy guys who are extremely smart.

Unlike geeks, they are more inclined toward reading books and studying science subjects such as mathematics, physics and computer science.

A geek is an enthusiast of a particular topic or field. They are collection-oriented and gather facts related to their subject of interest.

Now that you know how to correctly categorize your socially awkward high school peer who crosses your mind every time you see something Star Trek- or Star Wars-related, here are the things to show you why he also might have been a better boyfriend than your high school sweetheart but never stood a chance:

They are obsessed with the newest things that their subject has to offer and are often seen as hipsters. They are not typically studious and achievement-oriented, like nerds.

He is passionate about the things he loves

To be a nerd is to be passionate. There is no other way a man can know that much about one very specific and non-mainstream topic without being passionate.

OK, a lot of the time, those topics are video games and comic books but nevertheless, passion means curiosity, love and commitment; the same thing you are looking for in a serious relationship.

If he is passionate about the things he loves then he is passionate about you. That is one thing that makes nerdiness feel so damn sexy.

He is a person you can learn from

A nerdy boyfriend is a boyfriend you will learn a lot from. I can guarantee that you will hear about something you have never heard of before already on your first date.

I don’t know about you but to me, a knowledgeable and smart man can be the sexiest thing ever.

Suddenly, you will have so many new perspectives and things to think about. He will always challenge your views in a healthy way.

He doesn’t really care about impressing anyone, that’s just how he is.

There is the term sapiosexual that describes a person who is sexually attracted to the intellectual and mental qualities of another person and that is exactly how a nerdy boyfriend makes you feel.

He is very understanding

A person who knows a lot understands a lot. He is able to view things from more than one perspective and search for logical solutions.

Being obviously different has made him more understanding when it comes to people’s personal preferences and interests and what they do with their free time.

He is also eager to understand things he doesn’t know about, which is a very important trait!

The will to learn about things you don’t understand is very underrated and rarely talked about trait in the dating world.

Nerdy types love to grasp the true causes of things and truly understand everything they can; including you.

He is authentic

Unlike your typical fake nice guy who starts off with sweet-talking and going out of his way to do some chivalrous thing and ends up being the pettiest, most frustrating asshole ever, a nerdy guy doesn’t care about impressing you.

I already said that being nerdy means being passionate; the same goes for authenticity. There’s no way someone can call himself a nerd and fail to be authentic.

These guys don’t care about the opinions of other people, they don’t care about social media or any type of objective criteria for being successful in a field they have no interest in.

If they cared about all that stuff, they would never be a nerd in the first place. The best dating advice when it comes to dating a nerd is to be as authentic as they are.

He is serious about the relationship

He’s the type who knows what he wants. He approaches everything by giving it some thought in advance.

They’re not players and they don’t like drama, so with a nerd, you can live free of mind games and unnecessary doubt.

For example, he won’t ignore you or your calls to make you feel miserable, send double-meaning texts to upset you or tell his friends about his irritating girlfriend.

Unlike boys who are used to girls falling all over them, he will appreciate your efforts and your care.

A nerdy boyfriend will value the way you treat him and he will know he has got a good thing going on.

He prefers staying home

This is the best thing ever. The chances are you are going to spend your Friday nights cuddling and bingeing some sci-fi Netflix TV show or rewatching your favorite nerd-leading movies like Spiderman.

Yes, Spiderman is a nerd too. He is perfectly fine just being with you without having to leave the house.

It is not like he hates going out but he usually prefers spending time at home with you.

Who wouldn’t want a boyfriend who prefers spending time with you instead of going out to a club with his homies?

He is incredibly smart

He is like a walking, talking Google. He knows everything about any topic you can think of.

It is true that nerds hate being a novice at anything. This quality might be surprisingly positive unless it is about a new video game he cannot stop playing for a few days in a row.

Why is that? Well, they want to become an expert at all of their interests and hobbies and that includes your interests and hobbies too.

For example, they will read your favorite books and listen to the discography of your favorite band so they can understand you better and have a meaningful conversation about it with you.

That’s pretty adorable, right?

He is dedicated

He remembers all the details you share with him so he never forgets important dates and always remembers the first time you did something.

He has a great sense of humor

If you’re into dry humor and lots of puns and references, you need a nerd in your life. Nerds are not always serious or studious, they like to have fun but they’re specific about what they find funny.

Researchers discovered that funny people, especially ones who enjoy dark humor, have a higher IQ than their less funny peers.

Apparently, it is argued that one has to have both a cognitive and emotional ability to understand and produce humor.

The analysis shows that funny people have higher verbal and nonverbal intelligence and they are less aggressive.

Not only are funny people smart but they’re also good company.

Having a good sense of humor is linked to high emotional intelligence, which is obviously a highly desirable quality in a partner.

In studies about attractiveness, both men and women rate funny people as more attractive and claim that having a good sense of humor is one of the most important traits in a long-term partner.

He has skills other people don’t have

A nerd guy is basically, along with being a great boyfriend, free 24/7 tech support. He might be a little bit socially awkward but when it comes to the things he knows, he is like a superhero.

He always knows how to fix stuff and you don’t have to worry about anything technology related.

Not only that, but he is also handy when it comes to mechanical things. Even if he doesn’t know something, you can be sure he will learn about it faster than anyone else.

A bonus is that he always has some kind of useful gadgets you will have never seen before, but they make a big difference to your everyday life.

He won’t find your weird interests weird

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for nerdy people to be bullied throughout school. Being called a nerd, geek or dork really affects your life in many ways.

One of them is learning to be open and understanding of other people with atypical interests—the same reason they were once bullied for.

You can look forward to receiving no judgy comments from him when it comes to your guilty pleasures.

He’ll probably take some time to understand them and maybe even eventually adopt your guilty pleasures. Now that is always a win.

He will adore you

If he is really set on being with you, that means he really, REALLY likes you.

Nerds do not waste time on something or someone they find uninteresting. In order to be dedicated, they have to be passionate, so basically, he is your fan.

All in all, nerdy guys make fantastic boyfriends! If you’re bored with empty relationships, people who don’t treat you right, online dating and meaningless hookups, find yourself a nerdy boyfriend.

If you want to keep learning new things and seeing life in a whole new way, he is the one for you.

Don’t let preconceptions of what your boyfriend should be like drive you away from a nerdy boyfriend. Let go of prejudice, broaden your horizons and see what you’ve been missing out on.

Underneath their shyness and awkwardness, nerdy guys are real husband material and incredibly sexy.

Open Topic

The Power Of Kindness.

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.” — Desmond Tutu

Wired For Kindness

Can you recall a time somebody was kind to you?

Now change the scenario and think of a time you were kind to another person? Call to mind their reaction and how you responded.

Move into your heart and notice the feelings there.

If you read no further than this point, you know that kindness affects the user and the experiencer – leaving a lasting impression.

In this fast pace world, kindness and compassion takes a back seat to selfies, self-interest and expendable human interactions.

Every person is waiting to be discovered or become rich, believing that holds the key to their happiness. Yet when they attain success, they long for their former life having underestimated the trappings of fame and celebrity.

“The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.”—David W. Orr

Kindness is fundamental to human existence. We are thrust into the world as newborns and enriched with the kindness of our parents’ nurturing for the following years.

Humans are the only mammals with a prolonged gestation period. Other creatures rely on support for a brief time before becoming self-reliant. We are powerless at birth and depend on our caregivers to provide for our needs.

Therefore, kindness is sewn into the framework of our DNA. We are literally wired for kindness.

Each individual has opinions on how to improve the world, though no one wants to practice kindness.

Do No Harm

World peace will not arise from overthrowing dictatorial powers or ending conflicts between nations. It will happen when humanity raises its consciousness beyond that of fear and hatred.

I’ve often repeated that Peace Is Only A Thought Away. Its motives emerge through kind thoughts towards oneself and others.

“Unconditional love flows through specific channels of respect, integrity, purpose, meaning, value, response-ability, forgiveness, kindness, and compassion — and these form the foundation of our new, naturally ethical lives.”

Kindness is not something that demands hard work. It originates from the simple act of doing no harm to others.

It involves judging less, however compelled you might be to do so.

The ego is quick to judge because it is victimized and hurt, so it retaliates in revenge.

Kindness, however, bites its tongue. It does not seek to be right but rather to preserve peace of mind.

You gain little by giving someone a piece of your mind, other than inciting conflict and separation.

“I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.” —Khalil Gibran

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”— Mark Twain

It might be clear to you that fighting force with force is not the way towards peace. But you might ask, does that mean allowing others to treat me unfairly?

No, not by any means. Though you needn’t retaliate with overwhelming force. I’m not implying you become a doormat, however I urge you to accept the lessons contained within the experience. Are you letting others treat you unfairly on some level? Or unconsciously giving them permission to do so?

“No matter how anyone responds to your kindness, just by repeating out loud the words you didn’t hear often enough or never heard at all, you guarantee yourself to be the one who exits each scene of life more healed, aligned and expanded than the moment before,” affirms author Matt Kahn in Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins with You.

Benefits of Kindness

Kindness has many benefits including increased happiness and a healthy heart. It slows down the aging process and improves relationships and connections, which indirectly boosts your health.

People believe kindness is particular to those of religious faith because of their moral vows. Kindness does not require you to be of religious faith or even spiritual. Demonstrations of kindness are observed in man’s best friend, the dog. Cats show kindness and are treasured for their emotional connection.

Kindness broadens your life’s frame of reference and is a symbol of respect to value the receiver.

It influences the giver more than the receiver and has correlations with enhanced mental, emotional and physical well-being.

People believe kindness signifies weakness and being taken advantage of. It’s important to delineate between kindness and being a doormat to others. You can be kind and assertive when others attempt to profit from your kindness.”

You should in no way undermine your self-worth at the expense of others, but simply practice kindness while upholding your integrity.

“When human interactions become a way of practicing self-acceptance by treating others with more patience, kindness, and respect, a constant need to be heard shifts into listening as an act of love.”—Matt Kahn

Be Kind Anyway

It’s no surprise wicked acts have a greater impression on us than acts of kindness. We are alerted to fear more than goodness.

Psychologists believe we are wired to detect that which threatens our survival and happiness. We give attention to acts of cruelty in the news because it is perceived as a threat to our survival.

In these times of disingenuous social media interactions, unkindness abounds as people hide behind screens.

This does not make it appropriate to abuse others. There is a person on the other side of the screen with feelings we must take into account.

An important lesson in kindness involves asking yourself: ‘How would I handle being the recipient of this?’ If it doesn’t feel good avoid the behavior.

“Hurt is hurt, and every time we honour our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.” —Brené Brown

I wish to leave you with a passage from Mother Teresa’s poem titled Anyway, in which she states: “People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centred; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.”

Incorporate the smallest acts of kindness into your everyday life and notice the ripple effects. The Butterfly Effect in Chaos Theory asserts that a tiny event in one region of the globe can have a substantial effect somewhere else.

Armed with this knowledge, it is the Dalai Lama who reminds us that if you can’t be kind, avoid harming others.

Open Topic

My Impulsive Moments.

I suspect that desire starts as a warmth in the hands. Or at least it does for me. Not that my hands themselves are warm, but a warm energy kind of passes over my palms. I feel it before I even realize what it is that I’m drawn to. I think that in this sense the word ‘impulse’ does a good job of defining itself (and I’m usually not so quick to acknowledge a word for sufficiently encompassing meaning). Impulse. ‘Im’ as it’s used here is a root for ‘from’ or ‘before’ and then coupled with ‘pulse’- a word emulating the heart pumping blood, giving life. Could this feeling be a desire from our inner pulse, the heart, a feeling maybe of life before logic? And even beyond its roots, the word itself takes on impulsive character- quickly moving from inside you through the back of your mouth a brief moment the lips close before it almost seems to spit itself out into the air.

We can’t quiet all noises, stars won’t hide their fires, and to a certain extent, I have to believe that if impulse stews beneath the surface it can start to burn us from the inside. But like most things, I can’t claim this to be a black and white issue. I’m not here to tell you that acting on every impulse won’t get you into trouble. I won’t say that throwing logic to the wind is always healthy, or this sort of thing will certainly better your life. Honestly, I don’t know much.

Rather, I’m here to take the space for a brief love letter to my impulses, right or wrong. Because I love the tingly warm energy that blows over my palms. I love biting into a buttery soft chocolate cake, or dancing in the street, or the crash of an uncontrollable belly laugh. I love spending the money I was going to save on something I might never have seen again. I love the kisses and ‘I love you’s’ that could have waited for a more perfect moment (or maybe should have been avoided altogether). I remorsefully love the middle fingers and ‘what the hell’s’ that I probably would have fizzled with a deep breath or a good night’s sleep. I love the free falls, and a part of me even loves the crashes… gosh, some of them are so stupid, but hey here we are.

Impulse doesn’t always steer me in the ‘right direction’. In fact, I would argue that it has royally fucked us all over at one point or another. So yeah it should probably be loved from a distance. But even so, this is me providing a space for that feeling. This is me sitting down for a coffee with my inner desire in hopes that if I treat it gently, with just enough love and empathy, it will grow to be kinder to me and the outcomes it dawns.

Open Topic

Overcoming Fear.

So here’s how I overcame my fear…

Not my fear of heights, not my fear of demonic horror film children, but the fear of day to day life.

My story starts as a young girl. Always anxious, always afraid of the “what if’s.”

So much so that I missed out on so many opportunities that I might not get again.

I was so anxious every second of the day even before I knew what “anxiety” was or that the feeling even had a name.

I remember thinking to myself “I’ll always feel this way,” afraid and feeling lonely. It seemed impossible to me that I could ever change, mainly because anxious thoughts were all I had ever known.

I became so fearful through school, college and eventually at work. Always feeling down about myself and unconfident.

One day I’d had enough.

I didn’t know how I’d change the way I was, but I knew there must be a way. Anyone can change right?

My ultimate fear was living a life of anxiety and depression.

The Fear Was Motivation Enough

I knew that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life the way I had been and so that fear motivated me to change.

Instead of letting it cripple me, I harnessed it to swing my mind back around and into a productive state.

Here’s how I saw it. There were these two options;

Be depressed forever

Or

Use the fear

The compounding effect of nearly 40 years of anxiety on my brain reached a critical mass where I didn’t care about feeling stupid or exposed anymore.

I was going to overcome my fear one way or the other. I was determined.

You see, I think everyone needs to reach what I call a ‘critical mass’ where the way you feel goes beyond depressed and into ridiculousness. When you reach that point like I did, it becomes a joke that you’ve lived that way for so long.

Not a “haha” joke but more a “Do I seriously wanna live that way forever?” kind of joke.

When you can step back and look at yourself you can start to get a bit of perspective on things.

I overcame my fear of a life of anxiety by doubling down on productive activities. It was only when I took the “risk” to do what I truely wanted that I felt mentally free.

I started to learn that most people are afraid of being judged by others and so they never really try for what they really want.

We Get Suppressed Everyday

I realized when I stepped back to look at my life, I had become side-tracked. I was living on autopilot ignoring what my mind craved.

It craved the soul food that it needed to fill its belly.

This meant making time for what I was passionate about.

Not going to bed late, waking early, going to work, watching TV all evening and repeating the cycle.

You have to say enough is enough.

A mundane cycle of life is enough to give anyone an anxiety disorder.

Yes, we have responsibilities, however; when I remembered back to my childhood self, I didn’t have the same levels of fear that I ended up having in my early teens.

I’d forgotten how to play.

So that was it. I was going to carve out the life I wanted because I knew that no-one could change my life but me. Not my mom, not my dad, not my boss.

Only you can do that. But you have to want it.

And why wouldn’t you? Why wouldn’t you want a fulfilled life? Surely that’s what it’s all about?

I wasn’t going to let my passions in life be suppressed and not be a priority anymore. The things that made me come alive and simply “feel” needed air time of their own if I was going to find meaning in my life.

Here’s what I did;

I listened to my heart and;

Embraced the fear of an anxious life to use it to motivate me

Starting blogging

Started to appreciate the small things

Started practicing mindfulness

Started to educate myself in what I’d always wanted to learn about

There’s so much more to it though. When I started to make time for myself and stopped pushing down on what my mind craved, I found meaning and became more fulfilled in my life.

I also set goals. I started to understand that setting goals and milestones was something powerful in the battle against anxiety and fear.

It gives you something to aim for, something in the future to get excited about but also gives you a long term feeling of productivity.

It All Starts From Within

The journey from fearful to productive started from within me. It started by making a decision by saying “enough to this.”

Open Topic

You Saved Me From My Demons, Only To Become One.

I have to admit something-for most of my life, I’ve been unhappy. It’s not that I’ve experienced tragedies most people would consider significant, I just wasn’t happy.

Most of my misery came from the one thing that should have made life more beautiful, it came from love.

Maybe it’s my fault but ever since I can remember, I’ve made the wrong choices when it comes to men.

I haven’t been perfect in my relationships but I didn’t deserve the cheating, abuse, emotional neglect, or any of the other mistreatment I’ve been through.

Most of all, I didn’t deserve all the consequences that it left behind. I didn’t deserve to go through life as a zombie, constantly on the lookout for who is going to hurt me next.

The catch is, that barely anyone knows this about me.

In fact, most people in my life will tell you that I’m a strong woman who isn’t bothered by a simple breakup.

They don’t see the deep scars on my soul, they don’t see the rooted traumas, the insecurities, the depression, and the anxiety.

They don’t see the pain hidden behind my smile, nor do they notice the big hole where my heart should be.

However, you knew. Somehow, you made me open up to you.

For the first time in ages, when I met you, I thought I’d found someone I could trust.

Someone I could expose my vulnerabilities to and someone I could show my true self to.

You made me tell you about the demons which haunt me. You got me to reveal the little, naive girl who I managed to hide from the rest of the world.

No, I never asked you to save me. I never wanted you to take over my burden or to fight my battles.

However, you promised to be there for me.

You promised that you’d be my guardian angel – the man who would heal my heart, fix my mind, and chase away my demons.

You were the one who saved me from my past. The one who got me to face my inner fears and who showed me that I was stronger than I thought.

For a while, I saw you as the light at the end of the tunnel. I saw you as a gift sent from heaven, as the compensation for everything I’ve been through.

I believed every single word you said. I thought that you were the silver lining to my cloud.

Remember how you kept convincing me that you would never leave my side? That you would hold my hand through all the storms?

Remember how you promised to be there for me through both the good and bad days? That you would help me build myself back up and that you would never do anything to hurt me?

However, what did you do? You abandoned me when I needed you the most and left me alone in the wind.

So, I guess you didn’t mean to save me from my demons all along, your intention was to become one.

You didn’t cure my wounds, you just made them deeper. You didn’t heal my shattered heart, you just crushed it into even more pieces.

You didn’t fix me, you broke me even more.

However, I forgive you for that. I forgive you for the way you left and for walking away on me. After all, that’s exactly what I’m used to.

Nevertheless, there is one thing I can’t forgive you for. I can’t forgive you for all the pretense, lies, and deception.

I can never forget how you tricked me into believing that you were someone you’re not. How you made me think that you were different, only to prove that you’re actually worse than everyone from my past.

I will never forgive you for raising me up to the stars just so you could knock me down to the bottom.

I will never forgive you for giving me hope just so you could later kill it.

At least all those other people who did me harm, never gave me false hope. They never pretended to be my savior only to end up being my destroyer.

That is exactly what you did, you pretended to be my blessing, when in fact you were my curse.

Open Topic

Always Choose Losing A Man Over Losing Your Mind.

I’ll be honest with you here: Love is important. Whether someone likes to admit this or not, it’s nice having a man whom you care for and who cares for you back.

It won’t magically put your life in perfect order, but a healthy romantic relationship will make you happier – there is no doubt about that.

However, you know what is even more important? The relationship you have with yourself.

That is the relationship that simply must be healthy, successful, and fulfilling if you want to even think about romance.

So, why exactly do you keep on putting your man in front of yourself and how long do you plan on continuing to do so?

I know you think of yourself as tough. You’re strong and, at first glance, it appears that you’re handling this awful situation you got yourself dragged into surprisingly well.

Somehow you manage to deal with all the breakups and makeups.

You keep your head above the surface despite all the insults, arguments, and toxicity. But let’s be real.

You can’t go on like this forever. Sooner or later, you’ll see the damage all of this is leaving on you and you’ll start feeling the consequences of this hell you’re going through.

So, ask yourself if it’s really worth it. Is keeping a guy worth losing your mind?

You see, there will be plenty of men in your life, even though you probably don’t think that way now.

Sooner or later, you will forget about this man and start loving someone new with the same intensity you loved him.

However, you can never replace yourself. Time will do its trick and heal your broken heart. Sooner or later, you’ll stop missing this guy.

But you can’t find a new woman to live your life, once you lose yourself.

I promise you one thing: You can make it without anyone, including this guy. But you can’t make it without yourself.

Remember that you don’t need him – you chose to give him a place in your heart – but you do need yourself.

You will survive even if you let him go, even though things might not appear that way at this moment.

I know that right now you want to keep this man by your side.

You’re ready to do whatever it takes just for him to remain in your life.

However, instead of doing that, for a change, focus on keeping yourself sane. Focus on preserving your mental and emotional health.

Focus on making yourself happy and see your inner peace as the number one priority.

Please, be smart enough to choose losing a man over losing your mind.

Trust me, nobody – and especially not someone who doesn’t appreciate you – is worth you going crazy over him.

That is exactly how things will go on if you stay trapped in this never-ending circle.

That’s what will happen if you stay in this toxic relationship, full of emotional abuse, gaslighting, and constant fights.

You know, if it happens, he won’t stick around to help you.

He won’t be there to give you a hand or pull you out of your darkness.

He won’t put an effort into fixing your heart, even though he’s the one who broke it.

He won’t be there to glue you back together, even though he’s the one who crushed you.

He won’t have your back to catch you when you start falling.

He won’t stand by your side to help you heal, even though he is the one who destroyed you.

He won’t be there to bring you back to life, even though he’s the one who spiritually killed you.

Before you know it, this man will be gone and you’ll be left all alone to fight with your demons and traumas.

You won’t just lose precious years of your life, you’ll also have to deal with depression, insecurities, and anxiety, which is much worse.

Sooner than you might think, you’ll look around and see that the girl you used to be is nowhere to be found.

She’ll be replaced by a negative and bitter woman who’ll need ages to fully recover from everything she’s been through.

So please, save yourself on time. Ditch his sorry ass and pull yourself out of this misery before it’s too late to be sorry.

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Something So Wrong, Seems So Right.

Whenever something you didn’t wish for happens in your life, you see it as the worst thing in the world.

You see it as failure and misery. After all, you’ve always tried to be a good person.

You’ve played by the rules and done your best not to hurt anyone along the way.

So, why exactly do you have to face all of these hardships?

Isn’t there a thing called karma that should repay you for all of your good deeds?

It’s like this with everything bad you experience in life.

You feel as if everything is pointless when a guy you cared for dumps you, when you lose a friend you trusted, or when you don’t get that promotion you worked so hard for.

You can’t help but get the impression that life is simply unfair.

Bad things happen to good people and vice versa and you don’t have the power required to fight it.

After all, who could blame you for feeling like this? In fact, it’s perfectly natural for you to be shaken by the world’s injustice.

However, I’m here to ask you to reconsider your point of view.

I’m here to beg you to look at the bigger picture and bear in mind that everything happens for a reason.

You see, sometimes, certain things have to go wrong so better things can go right.

A man who doesn’t deserve you has to walk away from you in order to clear the way for the right one.

He has to show you what you don’t want and need so you are able to recognize true love when you see it.

Maybe you didn’t get that job you applied for because your dream career is waiting for you.

Or it would only have ended up being a distraction from something greater?

It’s possible that your best friend stabbed you in the back because it was the only way for you to see her true colors.

The only way for you to finally kick her out of your life and to realize that you shouldn’t trust everybody.

Sometimes, you have to go through darkness to see the true colors of the stars.

You have to lose something unworthy of you so you can get much more valuable things.

Besides, all of this provides a lesson and a new experience.

Every storm you go through is there to prepare you for the sunshine that’s about to come.

Every challenge is an opportunity to be better and every battle a chance to become stronger.

It’s there to build you into a mature, self-sufficient woman. There to show you that you can make it without anyone’s help.

It’s there to test your faith. To help you believe and always hope for the best, even when everything looks hopeless.

So the next time you think that you’ve had it rough, remember that every curse can actually be a blessing.

It’s simply up to you how you perceive it. Sometimes the things you see as the worst, turn out to be the best.

You just have to be patient enough to let time work its magic and make you see everything for yourself.

I promise you one thing: every tear you cry will be rewarded with tons of smiles.

Sadness will be replaced with so much happiness you can’t even imagine it. You just have to be ready for it.

The timing has to be right, and everything will fall into place. Sooner or later, good things will start happening.

Once they do, you’ll finally understand my words – that you probably don’t believe right now.

When you get everything you deserve, you’ll understand that this was the only way to acquire happiness.

You’ll realize why you had to go through all of your hardships and why you had to experience so much pain.

Finally, you’ll perceive that your entire life was actually a sequence of events that were meant to bring you exactly to the point you are at now.

You’ll figure out that all the bad things you went through, happened for a reason.

Just like that, in one instant, everything will make perfect sense.

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Can’t Forgive Once More Because You’re Hurt.

No matter what someone does to you, everyone advises you to be the bigger person and to forgive.

People put you through hell, which you have to find a way out of alone, and then everyone expects you to just get over it, as if nothing has happened.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not talking about giving second chances or letting the people who hurt you back into your life.

I’m talking about the kind act of forgiveness.

Well, when you’re the victim of abuse, cheating, backstabbing, or manipulation, or when the person you trusted the most broke your heart or abandoned you, this is much easier said than done.

In fact, in this case, forgiveness looks like mission impossible. It’s not that you’re unaware of its perks.

It’s not that you are deliberately refusing to forget everything that you’ve been through or that you are actively seeking revenge against those who broke your heart and hurt you.

You know everything that should be done. After all, you’ve heard it a million times.

You should forgive the ones who’ve done you harm because it’s the only way towards your personal liberation.

It’s the only way to free yourself from the chains these evil people put on you.

Everyone keeps telling you that it is the only way to live in peace with yourself.

That the ability to forgive is the attribute the strongest among us have.

They even advise you to accept the apologies you never got.

That forgiving is the only way to truly let go of the past and move on with your life.

People will tell you that you don’t stand a chance against your demons if you hold onto anger.

That you can’t expect to heal and retake control over your life if you hold on to grudges from the past.

All of this is true, there is no doubt about that.

Forgiveness is something you should definitely strive for, despite the magnitude of someone’s misdeeds towards you.

However, what happens when you simply can’t forgive, as much as you try?

What if you don’t have the strength to forgive those who have done you harm, despite all of your efforts?

Well, in that case: just don’t.

Yes, you heard me right: don’t forgive someone unless you feel the need to do so deep inside of you.

Don’t do it because it’s the right thing to do, because others expect you to, or because you want to prove that you are a nicer person than those who ask for your forgiveness.

This is nothing but a sign that you’re still not ready for this merciful act.

It means that you still need time to process and accept everything you’ve been through.

Most importantly – it means that you still haven’t understood your abusers.

You can’t find a reason for their toxic behavior, nor do you have an explanation for it.

And that is perfectly okay. It doesn’t make you weak and it definitely doesn’t make you a bad person.

Remember: you’re the victim here and you’re allowed to feel whatever you might be feeling.

Yes, the emotional baggage you carry around probably makes your life more difficult.

However, you can’t forcefully get rid of it if you still feel it’s tied on your chest.

So please, don’t feel guilty for your inability to forgive. Don’t judge your pain and let time do its magic.

Don’t forget that we all heal at a different pace.

Therefore, just because it’s taking you longer to reach your goal, it doesn’t mean that you won’t get there.

Nevertheless, I want you to know that this is not permanent.

In fact, I promise you one thing: the moment you have enough strength to forgive whoever broke your heart will come when you’re completely ready for it.

No, you don’t have to give your abuser a taste of their own medicine for this moment to come.

You don’t have to seek revenge, nor do you have to enjoy their suffering in order to feel like you got even.

You’ll just wake up one morning and there will be no more bitterness and no more anger.

Just like that, you’ll see that you successfully let go of every negative emotion you had and that is when you’ll be completely cured.

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On Days I Do Not Love Myself.

On days I do not love myself, grief shows up at my front door like an uninvited guest. It touches the walls of my house, disrupts the silence that once existed in its confines and tries to break into it.

It sits through lunch with me and offers to buy me coffee. It won’t seem to go away and for some reason; I find myself being unable to say no. Suddenly, waffles don’t taste as good as they did. Coffee tasted a lot more bitter than it did yesterday.

On days I do not love myself, a wounded heart carries itself inside my home. Like a soldier who just arrived from the battlefield. It tells me that there are wounds inside each one of us no one knows about. Some days, great stories of valor are born from it. Other days, there is the lingering trauma of the war that dwindles. I learned something that day.

Loneliness comes after, making its presence known in the cold, flamless fireplace. Its presence is so prominent I can feel it crawl under my skin. Sadness seeps right through the walls, banging against my heart like a loud song on repeat.

They say it’s supposed to bring me a sensation of searing pain. And I try. I try to absorb the pain it brings but I am just numb to the core. I walk the corridors of memories in an attempt to steal all the sunshine. But I’m left with only streaks of light.

Nothing about this is beautiful.

On days I do not love myself, I wake up feeling afraid of myself. This body sometimes still feels like an intruder in the same home it built. I attempt to breathe, but my lungs give out. I try to say something, but words fail me. The walls I have created for myself, have betrayed me.

On days I do not love myself, I watch as hours tick by until music becomes a dying symphony. I’ve decided that the presence of it has always been alive, but when the time comes and it dies, I do not know how to grieve for it. I do not know how to become without music. So when my own existence corrupts my love for it, it breaks me twice as much.

On days I do not love myself, love no longer fits me like my favorite hoodie. My cereal tastes like insecurity. When I look at my reflection in the mirror, I see an enemy. And it tries to rage a war inside my head. I despise it now more than ever. The shadow has grown larger than me.

Etched into my skin like tattoos are all the words that attempted to tear me down, all written on my skin like an art piece on canvas. My torso splits in half and you can see all the curves, all my valleys, the entire journey this body has been through.

On days I do not love myself, I write.

I write and write until my body has collapsed. I write and write until flowers are drawn in and they dance to the beat of every stroke of my pen. I write and write until words are beautiful again. Until they do not try to hurt me again. I write and write until I learn to love myself again.

I am not proud of this pain. But I am proud of my battles. Loving myself was never easy, but sometimes just being alive is all that matters. Just waking up, even with a heavy heart, is all that matters. Just knowing everything is going to be okay, is all that matters.

And even though the process is slow and agonizing at times, I’m realizing that I could handle it. Even when there are days when grief shows up at my doorstep unanticipated, when loneliness stays by the fireplace just to make me cry, or even when the mirror is my enemy and my body never seemed enough, I still matter.

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Fall Back In Love With Yourself.

It’s time to take your love back from those who hurt you; from those who never understood how to protect someone who cared as deeply as you did. It’s time to take those pieces, the shards of heart and hope, from the hands of those who do not deserve to hold them any longer. It is time to believe that you are worthy of being whole again; that you are worthy of knitting yourself back together, day by day, fragment by fragment.

It is time to understand that you never had any say in how long someone stayed; you never had any say in how long someone loved you. There was nothing you could have done to stop them from walking away. Whether you silenced the thud of your heart against your rib cage, whether you spoke in a softer tone or made yourself fit into their lives like a square peg in a round hole, you never had any say in how long they were going to appreciate you. How long they were going to try.

However, you do have a say in how you rise; in how you pick yourself up from the debris of it all. You do have control over how you grow, how you build yourself from a foundation of ash and flame, from charred pieces of past and weathered old names.

So take it slowly. Start by taking back your favorite songs, the ones that always made you cry when they left. Take back your favorite coffee shop, the one you always went to together. Take back your favorite sweater, the one that always smelled like them. Then, calmly, take back your quiet — the thoughts you have when you are asleep, the conversations you share with the moon. Take back your beauty, the confidence that was once built on the bedrock of their approval. Take back your heart, no matter how battered and bruised it is, no matter how much it hurts.

I promise you will bloom again. I promise you will flourish. Trust me when I say that wildflowers grow in the oddest of places, between the cracks of memories, they gather strength within scar tissue, stretching toward the light, saying “We deserve to be here, no matter where we have come from.” Now it’s your turn.

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When You’re Scared Of Being Vulnerable.

Sometimes people mistake vulnerability for weakness, because while others build walls up to prevent anyone from coming in, you bring walls down to let yourself be free.

But it takes more strength to free yourself than it does to stay caged in.

And while those who consider themselves strong, tough, or hard, carry on as though nothing bothers them, as though nothing can break them or make them waver, you wear it on your face that you’re no stranger to being broken. And although you let others see the fact that you’ve been hurt before, you still carry on.

Because you don’t let vulnerability defeat you or define you, you let it guide you.

And you’re in a place where you’re susceptible to be hurt again, because that’s the position you put yourself in when you acknowledge that your head and your heart are of equal importance, but the benefit of being vulnerable is that you don’t allow the fear of how others will respond to prevent you from showing them a part of who you are.

Vulnerability is such a fragile term, but while those who are vulnerable are easily broken, they are also fearless. Because it takes a tremendous amount of courage to put yourself out there. Vulnerability involves taking chances. It means you’re willing to risk destruction for something greater.

You’re aware that everything could fall apart, but you do it for love, you do it for life itself, because you’d rather be fragile if pretending to be strong means constantly wondering, ‘what if?’

But being vulnerable is being strong, because if everything does fall apart, you realize there’s nothing left to do but clean up and start over. It takes strength to admit you’re not indestructible.

Being strong isn’t being fearless, it’s admitting fear’s presence and allowing it to push you forward rather than hold you back.

Vulnerability uses fear as fuel because you sacrifice hurt for haven. And in acknowledging your fears, you’re acknowledging a part of who you are that maybe you’re reluctant to express.

Because all the times you wish you could convey the things you’re feeling and say the thoughts you’re thinking, vulnerability comes in and gives those thoughts the voice they didn’t have. Vulnerability is insecurity’s microphone.

Vulnerability is accepting the part of yourself that you buried the deepest, and it’s an attempt to share that part with someone else. The benefit of being vulnerable is that you finally begin to realize no one expects you to be perfect, and you begin to understand that you don’t have to be.

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Hero’s Journey.

This post is about a story. It’s a story that changed my life, and throughout history has changed the lives of many other human beings. This story has been told since the beginning of time. It has appeared in different forms in every culture and country of the world, but the essence of the story always remains the same. The story is about a hero who undertakes a courageous journey on planet Earth.

The setting of planet Earth is an exquisitely beautiful one – filled with vast oceans, mountains, jungles, breathtaking coastlines, sweeping plains, and spectacular animals and creatures of every kind – and along with the beauty of the natural world, is all of the joy that is experienced by the human beings who inhabit it. But as the hero discovers, life is also very challenging for human beings on earth. Growth is painful, from childhood to adolescence, adulthood, and eventually old age, and there are the experiences of physical suffering, poverty, and grief, and eventually death for everyone.

There is both joy and suffering on planet Earth because this beautiful world is a world of duality – a world of opposites. There is an opposite side to everything. There’s light and there’s darkness, near and far, up and down, left and right, hot and cold, and these opposites are experienced at every level of life. There are friends and enemies, falling in love and falling out of love, security and uncertainty, wealth and poverty, bliss and despair, and in every human there are positive and negative qualities. On planet Earth, everything has its opposite.

And it’s this world with its equal potential for great joy, great love, great challenges, and great suffering that you wanted to come to. It’s you who wanted to come here and experience the adventure of living in such a beautiful but challenging place. It’s you who were determined that there was no difficulty so great it would stop you from discovering the hero within you. It’s you who wanted to take the Hero’s Journey… for you are the hero of this story.

You are not left unequipped when you undertake the Hero’s Journey. You were born with immensely powerful abilities within you that would enable you to realize your dreams and overcome every trial, obstacle, and challenge you would encounter. But in being born into the limited material world of planet Earth, your mind and consciousness became limited too, which meant you wouldn’t remember your true nature, and you wouldn’t remember the powerful abilities within you. You would have to discover them for yourself.

Only through completing the Hero’s Journey and allowing your highest human qualities to arise within you, will you finally become the hero. And then a new purpose will overtake your heart – to help those who are beginning their own Hero’s Journey, with everything you discovered on the path.

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The Aftermath Of Emotional Abuse.

Even if he used words instead of fists, it was still abuse.

Maybe he never hit you but his words hurt you more than any slap in your face or any kick with his leg. And the worst thing was that you thought that he would change.

You thought that you were just having a crisis in your relationship and that after some time, he would figure out how much he loved you. But you know what? He never did. You were never important to him and that’s why he abused you so much. For every problem that he had in his life, you were the guilty one.

For every slap that life gave him, you were the guilty one. For all his moments of sorrow, you were there for him to put the blame on you.

And you, blind in love, put up with all his shit for years.

The day when you left him, was the worst one of your life because he always told you that you wouldn’t make it unless he was there. He brainwashed you and all you could see in the mirror was just a shell of the girl you had been before.

I just want you to know that I can understand how you feel. Just like you, I’ve been there. Just like you, I gave second chances. And just like you, I ended up broken and in tears. It took me some time to recover from that abuse and to settle down. But I was no longer the same me. I could still love, but this time I loved differently. And that is something that you will go through too.

You will constantly live in a state of being on-guard.

For a long time, you won’t be able to relax because you will think that every man who comes into your life will do you the same thing as your abuser. It will be hard to win you over and most of all, it will be hard for you to trust people again. You will feel that something is wrong every time someone approaches you, so you will pull back.

You will wonder how you are coming across.

While you were being emotionally abused, you had the constant feeling that your partner didn’t understand your actions or your words. That made you so confused but the truth was, that he was telling you to do what he thought was right.

He never took care of your feelings and needs. For him, you were just a doll and he was the master of puppets, controlling you the way he liked.

Now, after everything has finished, you will realize that people around you understand you perfectly well and that only one man couldn’t do that.

You will feel that something is wrong with you.

After you break free from your abuser, you will feel that you are too damaged to love someone again. But when you spend some time with the people you love, you will see in the end that you are not so broken.

Of course, you will have emotional bruises but all people who have been fighting have them. The most important thing, after all, is that you were still standing and that you never gave up.

You will wonder what went wrong.

Every victim of an emotional abuse will think about the things that she was doing in the last relationship and how they affected it. You will sometimes ask yourself if things could have been better if you’d had a different defense mechanism.

You will think about things that you did or didn’t do and you will have a constant feeling that you could have done things better. Please, stop doing this because it wasn’t your fault. Not a second of your relationship with him was your problem because your abuser was guilty of everything.

You will be anxious and depressed. And frankly speaking, this is something that every victim of emotional abuse goes through.

At some point, you will think that you are crazy but that feeling will soon fade away. The only person who was crazy in that relationship was him. So stay strong when going through this period of your life and bear in mind, that you finally saved yourself from the one who could have ruined you.

You will have distrust in future relationships.

It is not that simple to give your heart to someone new, not knowing if he will hurt you like the man before him. That’s why you will look like someone who plays hard to get but inside, your world will be falling apart and you will crave the love that you need so much.

This feeling is a constant battle but somewhere along the road, you will see that not all men are equal.

Nothing about your healing process will be easy.

The aftermath of emotional abuse is characterized by different behavior moods. One day you will be happy and cheerful and the next you will feel depressed and you won’t get out of bed. You will think that nobody will ever love you again because you are broken.

You will have a rush of negative thoughts here and there and they will dictate your life. Only when some time passes will you see that things are not so bad after all and that there is some hope for you.

You will wish that you were not so sensitive.

After any trauma, a person will feel bad. Every single comment can hurt them because they are so sensitive. This will happen to you too. Sometimes, you won’t be able to react to the simplest situation and you will just run away from all those things that make you feel like that.

You will want to be alone because in that way people won’t be able to hurt you. I just want you to know that you should take all the time in the world to heal. If you don’t like going out, don’t do it. Do things that you feel comfortable with.

You were putting up with someone’s wishes for a hell of a long time and it is time to finally put yourself first.

I know that you are an amazing person who just met a guy who ruined your life. If you could have been amazing before, I am sure that you can bring your old spark back. I won’t lie to you and tell you that the healing process will be fast; it won’t.

You will need a lot of time for yourself to fight those nasty demons of yours. You will cry yourself to sleep every night until you see that after that you will feel much better. And when you least expect it, you will meet someone who will bring you faith in love again. You just need to be patient because good things don’t happen overnight.

And your abuser?

You will probably never forget him. After all, he was a part of your life for a long time but all that he did to you made you the person you are today—strong, independent and definitely not ready to settle for less than she deserves.

In the end, I ask you for one thing only—forgive him for all that he did to you. Not because he deserves that forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.

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Never Apologize For Feeling Too Much.

You are a beautiful piece of art. You know why I’m saying this? Art always shows us parts of the world which can’t be seen by everyone, understood by everyone or even be present in everyone’s mind as something worth exploring. It’s the same with you and your emotions.

Emotions, emotions, emotions.

They keep the world spinning, although you can’t see them.

In relationships, you might encounter someone who doesn’t appreciate your way of feeling things so deeply. Please, don’t be ashamed of that. Run away from those kinds of people. If they don’t love you as much as you’re prepared to love them, leave them. They don’t deserve the universe inside of you.

I want to see you running barefoot when the sun is rising above the horizon. I want to see you cry in front of the TV because your favorite character has found the love of his life. I want you to laugh – loudly, fully, happily. Where every word and every action goes straight to your heart, you shouldn’t deny that.

I want you to love.

If that’s what you are feeling, embrace it and acknowledge it! You deserve so much credit for all those times you cried in the corner of a room because you were too afraid to show your tears to anyone. But now, you see, you don’t need to do that. PLEASE! Listen to me.

You are a wonderful piece of art. You deserve to feel alive.

You are not too much. You are not too little. You are just enough. So don’t ever apologize for your loud, uncontrolled laughter. It’s something that makes you so special and lovable.

Too much is always better than too little.

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Follow Your Heart.

Throughout my life I’ve often heard people say ‘Follow your heart.’ I have to admit, looking back I never really knew what this meant. I was taught to use my head; to think about things rationally and logically. I was taught to use perspective and weigh things out before making decisions. I was also conditioned to follow the crowd and do what other people do. I see now that my guidance system was out of alignment with my true self and my passion, purpose, and calling. I see now what following your heart really means and why this is so important.

Your true guidance system is your heart as we say. If you truly want to follow your passion, purpose, and calling and connect with the happiness and success you will always be searching for elsewhere; then follow your heart. Following your heart means following what FEELS good, and what FEELS right. Throw logic out the window. Just kidding, no but seriously, logistical and realistic thinking is based on your subjective perspective and cannot see the bigger picture. Your heart seems to be connected to universal intelligence and therefore can guide you more accurately; and then your thoughts can help get you there.

When you are in alignment with your true self life happens naturally and with ease. There are minimal struggles, everything feels right, everything works out great, and new opportunities present themselves constantly. When you are out of alignment you will find yourself forcing things, struggling with conflicts and frustrations left and right, and nothing you want to happen is happening very easily. When you ignore your heart you will only get side-tracked longer making your journey more of a struggle until you listen. To stay in alignment simply follow your heart.

To follow your heart you feel your way through life. You can literally ask yourself, “What does my heart say?” Or you can pay attention to what feels right. If you become resistant to things, or irritated and frustrated easily, your heart is telling you no, don’t go that way. If you are happy, or laughing, full of positive emotion, your body is relaxed and excited, and everything feels right- your heart is saying yes this way. It is easy to confuse your unwavering determination to be, do, or have something, when the right choice sits in opposition. You are told to be strong and persevere through anything in pursuit of your goals. This can make it difficult to distinguish between an obstacle in the road and a sign telling you to turn around. This is why it is even more important to listen to your heart, so you can tell the difference between a normal obstacle and a sign saying no don’t bother.

Summary: If you ever question the path you’re on or a decision you are making, ask your heart. It gives an immediate answer and you instantly know it is right. You just have to remember to ask and then listen to your inner guidance system, your heart. Your heart knows the way; your mind will get you there.

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I Want To Feel Peace Within.

You know, when I was younger I had so many New Year’s resolutions. All the way from losing a couple of pounds to making myself look more beautiful.

Then, somewhere down the road I realized life is not about the things that I can affect. Life is all about the things I can’t affect. So, this year I only want things that money can’t buy.

First of all, I want to feel peace within. I want to feel good in my own skin. I want to be a woman who can accept a compliment and not blush because I deserve it. I want to walk proudly down the street knowing that I didn’t do harm to anybody. I want to feel that I am worthy.

I want to feel that I am enough. And no matter how much time has to pass for that to happen, I will be patient because that is important to me.

Secondly, I want to feel love so deep an ocean would be jealous of it. I want to be loved and respected because I deserve that.

Every time I love, I give myself all in. This time, I want others to show me how much they love me and appreciate me because I am not going to sell myself short anymore.

This year I will put myself first.

Thirdly, I want to feel happiness in my heart. For some reason, there isn’t much happiness in my life.

I was thinking that maybe I didn’t have enough time for my private life and that’s why I didn’t feel that happiness. But when I think twice about it, I don’t think that was the problem.

The problem is much deeper inside of me. The problem might be all those calls I never got while I deserved them. The problem might be all those messages nobody sent me while I never forget them.

The problem might be all those kisses and hugs I never got. And finally, the problem might be all those warm words that I never had a chance to hear. But I want to leave all that in the past because it belongs there.

I want to get rid of all those people who pretended to be my friends and who betrayed me in the first bumps in the road. This year, I want to dedicate more to myself and find that happiness in my heart and my soul that is fighting so hard to come out.

So, this year, my only resolution will be things that I am hungry for. I am hungry for love, peace, hope, care, happiness, harmony and all those positive feelings I craved so much.

No matter what happens, I will try to give my heart and my soul everything that they need. Because just like our body needs food to be healthy, our soul and our heart needs spiritual food to be alive.

And believe it or not, I want peace within more than love. You probably wonder why, right? Well, in order to be good to someone else, I first need to be good to myself.

And I won’t be able to do that if I don’t have peace inside of me.

Once I decide to give myself all in to someone new, I want to be okay with myself. I want to be a woman who accepts all my pros and cons.

I want to know that I am not perfect, but that I am trying to be. I want to know that I did everything in my power to be satisfied in my own skin.

And most of all, I want to be a woman with self-worth. I want to tell myself every day that I should be happy because I am doing something good for myself.

I want to tell myself that I am doing much better than I think and that no matter how much some people want to see me down, I will never be there. Because I am a fighter and heaven helps those who fight.

And in the end, when I get that peace within that I crave so much, I won’t selfishly keep it only for myself.

I want to share it with my family and friends. I want to help all people to feel this blessing that I will feel and I want us to enjoy it forever.

So, 2020, here I come—more beautiful, more stubborn, more goal-oriented and much smarter. I hope you are ready for me because I am sure as hell ready for you!

Open Topic

Just Because You Love Them, Don’t Allow Someone To Treat You Poorly.

Everyone’s common sense tells them they shouldn’t tolerate people hurting them.

If your friend was in a bad relationship where a guy treated her poorly, you’d be the first to tell her to call it quits.

No matter how much she loved the guy, you’d know that her place is not next to him.

Why is it so hard then to notice that the person you love is treating you badly, and why is it even harder to stop allowing that from happening?

Love can make us blind, that’s true. Loving someone can make us idealize everything good they do. And then when they do something wrong, we end up making excuses for them.

You weren’t born into this world to waste your energy, good heart, and love on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

Start loving yourself and caring for your own well-being, and things will begin to unfold for you.

Let’s take off the blindfold love has put over our eyes and try to see things clearly for once.

If they don’t answer when you call them and never even apologize, that’s not right.

If you wait for hours before they answer a simple message, that’s not right.

If they’re never there for you, no matter the reason you need them, that’s not right.

If they can’t find the time or energy to participate in your life, that’s not right.

If the person you’re with can’t seem to respect, support, and love you the way they’re supposed to – that sure isn’t right.

We don’t want to think badly of the person we’ve given so much to. We want them good, pure, and perfect in our minds.

That’s why we never let ourselves confess they are actually treating us quite poorly.

Realizing and confessing that someone is hurting you with their behavior is step one in solving this huge issue.

No matter how much you love someone, you can’t let them break you apart.

Love can’t be one-sided. If you love them, they should love you back, right? If they loved you, would they hurt you? Absolutely not.

The person who truly loves you will always have your best interests at heart. The one who cares will never intentionally hurt you.

If someone keeps treating you the way you would never treat them and you keep forgiving them, now is the time to break that vicious cycle.

No one gets to hurt you, no matter how much they mean to you.

Would you ever do bad things to someone you love? Sure you wouldn’t. Then, why do you let someone do that to you?

I know you find many reasons to explain them hurting you in a way that makes it seem less important and like it’s not even their fault.

Not only are those malicious actions important, but they are also crucial to your self-esteem and for your future happiness.

They take your trust and sincerity and they toss it all away, making it seem like you’re the less important person in the relationship.

I wonder how they would feel if you did the same thing to them?! Would they forgive you? I’m pretty sure not.

I’m quite sure they’re constantly apologizing to you, asking your forgiveness. Well, let me tell you something: An apology that doesn’t come with changed behavior is just lip service.

I’m also guessing that if by any chance you choose to actually stand your ground and show them you’re no longer putting up with their shit, they will make you feel bad for being angry at them.

This is the kind of toxic person you don’t want in your life. They might have you believing they will change, but they won’t!

You might be thinking about giving them a second chance, but I can tell you right now, that any chance you give them, will be wasted.

Someone who claims that they love you, yet, still decides to treat you poorly isn’t worth a second chance.

Yes, forgiveness is a beautiful path to choose, and sure you can choose to forgive them for every way they’ve harmed you.

I’ve said forgive, not forget.

Don’t let them treat you like you are unworthy of love, and don’t let them ever harm you again.

Open Topic

A Woman Who Silently Fights With Illness Everyday.

Before I say anything, I want to apologize for all those times I hurt your feelings because I didn’t know better.

If I assumed you were healthy just because your illness is not visible – I’m sorry.

If I told you that you looked tired when you were suffering from chronic fatigue – I’m sorry.

If I reminded you of something you had to say goodbye to because of your illness – I’m sorry.

If I acted recklessly regarding something your illness has taught you is valuable – I’m sorry.

If I said something to bring you down instead of lifting you up – I’m sorry.

If I thought of the worst when I didn’t know better – I’m sorry.

It took me some time to realize what it means to confront the fact that your body’s working against you; what it means when your body simply refuses to listen to you and you can do nothing about it.

I still can’t comprehend it fully, but I’ve learned so much by listening to what you say instead of making assumptions and listening to those who don’t know what you’re going through.

Even though I can’t know everything you’re going through, I understand that the moment you realized you were ill, your life changed forever.

Your illness gave you new eyes and now through you, I too have started to see life differently.

Through you, I’ve realized there are so many things I pay attention to daily that are not worth my attention at all.

Instead of being thankful for everything I have and living my life to the fullest, I’m concerned about unimportant things.

An ill person once told me that for her illness was a blessing in disguise and, at the time, I didn’t understand why, so I asked in confusion: but how?

This is what she explained:

‘’My illness, for the first time in life, has helped me realize how much unnecessary pain I was inflicting on myself daily, by choice. I let myself be hurt by the things that didn’t matter and now, when I’m faced with something I cannot control, I have learned to stop inflicting pain on myself because that’s one thing I can control. Everything else I can’t control I must accept anyway.’’

She chose not to be her own enemy.

That’s something I want to share with everyone else. Stop postponing things and stop accumulating pain.

Don’t be your own enemy. In every given moment you can choose to stop hurting yourself.

Don’t let your mind bring you down and don’t let other people control your life either. You’re not here for them.

Let go of resentment and let go of guilt. Stop poisoning your soul with something you are not.

You are not your pain, you are not your shame, you are not your jealousy or your sadness.

You may be experiencing those feelings, but they don’t define you and they shouldn’t control your life.

Show respect for your life, show respect for the person you are. This is done by choosing everything you can do, instead of everything you can’t.

It’s scary how easily we forget how fragile we are, yet at the same time, don’t let ourselves be strong either.

It might be because we never know how strong we are until being strong is our only option.

However tragic, sad, and hard it may seem, life is indeed something miraculous.

I’m not saying this to spread nonsense positivity, but to remind myself and others there’s more to life – something we all feel once our life is somehow threatened, physically or emotionally.

I want to thank all the loved ones in my life who have suffered from illness for reminding me what life is about.

While fighting your silent battles, you didn’t give up on life but let it flourish.

Whatever your fate may be, know that with your courage you brought peace to other people’s lives, and for that reason alone, you will never be forgotten.

Thank you for proving that life is, after all, a miracle.